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Monday, August 30, 2010

Over-testing as a coping mechanism

A friend recently helped me to realize the extent to which my over-testing is in fact a thinly veiled coping mechanism. Allow me to explain....

1.  I start testing at 4-5 dpo, which is ridiculous.  It's not even possible to get a positive that early.  It's simply not.  That means, when I see a big fat negative, it's not really a bad thing.  It's SUPPOSED to be negative.  In that was I allow myself to be OK with seeing negative tests.

2.  After 8dpo, the threshold at which I might actually see a positive, I start testing twice a day.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes I start two-a-days even earlier than that.  As I get closer to the definitive yes or no answer, I take twice as many tests, and see twice as many negatives.  It's almost as though I'm building up an immunity to disappointment.

3.  As I cross the threshold of 11-13 days post ovulation, the time in which I really SHOULD see something if there were something to see, I've seen so many negatives already that it's no big shock.  At the same time, each additional negative test brings my hope down just a little lower. 

4.  When AF actually rings the doorbell, I'm expecting it, because I've had 3,536 negative tests.  At that point, I'm almost GLAD that AF has shown up so that I can start on the next month, all fresh and shiny.

So you see, over-testing isn't just an addiction.  It's a (relatively) logical answer to depression and a coping mechanism for repeated failure to conceive. 

PS--am currently at 7.5 dpo, and am firmly on step two of the coping plan for this month.  I'm not going to lie, I'd really love to skip steps three and four. 

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