Thursday, January 22, 2015
Sunday, January 18, 2015
I think I'm starting to feel like my old self again.
That's a strange thought, because I'm not sure what my old self is, or when the last time I felt it was. I'm not even sure if it is my old self, because I have no real, clear conscious memory of it.
I wrote this post two months after Charlotte died, now over two years ago. Since then I've been absolutely blessed to have a happy, healthy, beautiful little rainbow baby, my son, Ethan, and Mia, my little princess, continues to be healthy and happy and smart and beautiful. I still have a husband who loves and supports me and makes me feel special and important. I have a million things to be thankful for. It's overwhelming how lucky I feel every day....but I've been living as the embittered woman in mourning from the above mentioned post.
For....wait for it...OVER FIVE YEARS I have been giving myself permission to feel overwhelmed and depressed and defeatist. I really truly believed that I wasn't capable of doing better. Allow me to give you a few examples...
1) Working Out: Since Mia was born, which was 2011, I allowed myself to believe that I didn't have time to work out. It makes logical sense, and I could easily explain it away. I can only work out when she's asleep (still true). This means I can work out during nap time or after bedtime. During nap time I'm either still at school and/or on my way home, and after bedtime is my ME time...and everyone deserves me time, right? Especially working moms whose husbands work night shift.
2. Cleaning: While I am always happier when the house is clean, again, I told myself I just didn't have time. Cleaning takes a lot of time, and I just didn't have that time with Mia (and then Ethan) running around and just undoing it anyway. I did only what was absolutely necessary as late as was absolutely possible. When we ran out of forks and/or there was no more room in the sink, I did dishes. When the playroom was unnavigable I put away the toys. When the bathrooms were on the edge of total embarrassment, I cleaned them. And so on and so forth. For the last few years, my housekeeping has been walking the edge of eww. I am not proud of this.
3. Laundry: This one is bad. As with housekeeping, laundry has been done in this house as a matter of necessity. When we run out of underwear, I do laundry. Unfortunately, unlike forks, I didn't do ALL the laundry. I just did enough to keep us in underwear. This means the clothes on the bottom of my laundry pile have been there for a while. As in over a year. At one point i bought my husband more underwear to further put off how much laundry I had to do. I am not proud of this. I am confessing this to serve as a cautionary tale.
4. Food: As said in the above-mentioned post, I am a comfort eater. I am conscious of this. Since my first miscarriage in 2009 (hence the six years) I had gained up to...wait for it...70 pounds. Now, to be fair, some of this is pregnancy weight that never went away (as though it is the weight's job to go away and not mine to send it on its way). For the last six years, I have mostly considered myself a lost cause. I'm a mess no matter what...bring on the cheesecake.
I have been vaguely surprised that my husband hasn't had more reaction to this. I think a part of me had been waiting for him to say something...like I wanted him to be the catalyst for my changes. This is dumb.
Now, I have had brief flirtation with not failing at life over the last six years. They usually last about two weeks, during which I shift into gear and briefly remember what it's like to be a functional human being. At the end of those two weeks....I kid you not....I have gotten pregnant. Every time. First with Mia, then with Charlotte, then with Ethan. Tomorrow marks two weeks since I have been actively trying to be a real person again. I had my tubes tied after Ethan, so, barring an act of God, I won't have an excuse to back down this time.
They say it takes 21 days to make something habit. If I can make it one more week, maybe this new lifestyle will become habit.
Here's a typical day in the new Life of Kait:
5:30-6am-Wake, shower, and dress in the clothes I organized by outfit on Sunday night so it is ready to go.
6:00-6:30am-Wake and dress kids and grab premade lunch and breakfast from fridge. Grab kids' cups and granola bars, also set out in advance. Take kids to daycare.
2:30-3pm-Work out with other teachers.
3:30-5pm-Tidy house and put away toys.
5-8:30pm-Time with kids
8:30-11:30pm-Put away toys and tidy, do dishes and fold laundry, deep clean one room, set out things for tomorrow, and relax.
Ironically, I feel like I have more time and energy now than I did before. I feel more confident and content because I'm not going home to a house that embarrasses me and makes me feel like I have a million things to do.
I don't remember the last time I felt like this. That is not, in any way, a hyperbole. I don't even know if this is my old self. At some point in the six years of relative apathy, did the counterfeit, lazy me become the "real" me?
Please note: While I have been lazy and apathetic, I have loved my husband and my children with reckless abandon. I have never taken time with my family for granted, and I value every day spent with them.
How long does the current me, the one I'm actually PROUD of, have to last to become the new me? This is NOT a New Year's resolution. This is just a new start with a new set of priorities. It's socially acceptable to allow New Year's reolutioms to lapse. I don't want to do this.
One more week, I hope, will make it a habit to care about what my life is like.
Dear faceless community of people I hope are reading my words. Yes, you. I need you to care. While I should be able to sustain a good lifestyle for my own sake, and that of my family, it's hard. I need external support.
There are no meetings for Apathetic Anonymous. Hi, my name is Kait, and I am bad at existing.
Nope. Not a thing.
I've shared a lot of things here that I'm not proud of. Things that I am downright ashamed of. I did that to make myself accountable to someone. You now have a window into my motivation and my excuses. Don't let me slide, faceless readers.
I am starting to feel like my old self again. I think. Or maybe, I'm starting to feel like the self I want to be. I think that's ok, too.
Thursday, January 15, 2015
Everyone thinks they are special...how many really are?
They call a child conceived after a loss a rainbow baby. It's the beauty after the storm. I embrace that terminology, mostly because it's the commonly accepted vernacular.
I don't think it's the baby himself, though . The death is the storm, but not the baby. No stillbirth mother, to my knowledge, views her child as a storm. The death is the storm. The chance of new life, the happiness and joy being, at least in part, restored by a new pregnancy, a new baby, that is the rainbow. The Mama finally feels the rainbow. To be clear, the rainbow doesn't erase the storm, nor does it make us forget. The rainbow is simply a moment of beauty and grace.
I hate, with a passion, when people, consciously or not, dampen the spirits and happiness of a rainbow mother.
A "normal" mother is showered in love and happiness and excitement. If anyone even thinks of miscarriage or loss, they would never say it. You just don't say that to a pregnant woman. Ignorance is bliss. It's all hugs, and kisses, and congratulations, and tears.
A rainbow mama, particularly a stillbirth rainbow mama, doesn't get that. She's scared, but this is her rainbow. She deserves celebration and joy as much, if not more, than the "normal". Why, then, is it so hard to come by?
Voices are hushed. In lieu of exuberance and excitement there is a quiet promise to pray for you. In lieu of congratulations and hugs there is a worried look in the eye, a tightening of the mouth, a pitying tilt of the head. In lieu of joy there is doubt. In lieu of hugs there is a distant arm pat.
This is bullshit.
We are not broken. A rainbow Mama NEEDS to celebrate. A rainbow Mama has already lost a child. Why must she lose her hope and joy as well? Why must she be made to fear more than she already does? Why must she get less? Why must it be this way?
Please, just hug the rainbow Mama. Tell her congratulations and MEAN it. It's not that hard.
Wednesday, January 14, 2015
Right after Charlotte died, in the midst of all of the haze of anger and sadness, I got this feeling that I was embarking on a long journey. Like each day living with and coping with my grief was a footstep that was taking me somewhere. Months later, I started to feel like you do on a trip....so anxious to get there so that you can enjoy the beach or wherever it is you're headed.
I've recently realized that this journey doesn't end. There is no beach, not really. I did set out on a journey, but it's one that just goes on. The scenery has gotten nicer. The drive has become more comfortable. But there is no destination. (I am illogical bothered that in my last paragraph I talked about it as a journey of steps but have now mixed my metaphor by placing myself in a car. Once an English major, always...)
I don't mean this as bleak as it may sound. It's not that life is this unending journey of pain. Far from it. It's just that there is no end point. There is no point at which I will arrive at the end of my daughter's death and say, "I'm here!" The journey of grief is one that becomes a part of my journey of life, and that's ok.
I still miss Charlotte every day. I still think of her every day. She's my daughter, and being her mother is as much a part of me as the color of my eyes.
I love being her mother.
That said, some days the journey is still hard. Some days I need someone to remind me that I'm still moving. Some days it's harder to appreciate the scenery.
The journey doesn't end. It just goes on. I'm learning to embrace that.
Tuesday, January 13, 2015
When I feel really down, there's almost always a tiny moment that redeems me.
It was cold, windy, and damp this morning. I'd stayed up too late to finish The Fault in Our Stars, with which I was thoroughly underwhelmed. I was assured over and over again (granted, by students, but still...) that it was wonderful and would make me cry SO hard...and, despite a few quiet tears, I just found it a little depressing. No real cathartic sobbing, as I was promised. I had a bit of a tiring day yesterday, so two hours sleep felt pretty paltry. We had four delayed openings right on the heels of a two week winter break, so the 5am alarm was even more jarring. Long story short (too late) it was a rough morning.
In the dark of the driveway in front of the day care lady's house, Mia asked, "Is Charlotte watching out for me, Mama?" So simply, as if she'd asked why it's dark out or where is her grandma. It's too cold for butterflies. I don't know what her little head was thinking about. I quickly answered, "Of course, sweetheart. She's always looking out for us, isn't she?"
She nodded. "Yeah," she said, "Charlotte's nice."
Yes, she is, Mia. You're right.
Friday, January 2, 2015
I got a Kindle book yesterday. Have been reading more over winter break. Since I have amazon Prime, I decided to try the free book borrow feature, and I found one that was a stillbirth mommy memoir. This is apparently a genre. A small genre, but a genre none the less.
The book begins with the funeral. Here is where I need to own up to my assumptions. I jumped to the conclusion that, since they were having a funeral (casket, readings, burial, etc), she was a full-term stillborn momma. She wasn't. She was just like me. Well, not just like me, but like me in duration of pregnancy....two weeks less, actually, which is technically a late term miscarriage instead of stillbirth. No one will ever say that to her, but it's accurate. I don't know why. It's a stupid distinction, if you ask me, and I maintain that mothers be allowed to feel and mourn however they want. But that's not the point...
We didn't have a funeral for Charlotte. I didn't want to. There is no decision more painful and surreal than deciding what to do with the body of your dead child. It was literally a consious step-back moment that I remember from that day in the hospital. How do you even explain that to a funeral home? No one ever expects to make that decision, so it's a very absurdist situation. Or it at least feels it.
I felt like no one really knew her or loved her the way Mike and I did. I didn't think people would understand. I didn't think people would understand how to mourn for her in the way I needed to mourn, so I didn't want to see them screw it up. No one ever questioned our decision.
I found myself jealous of this random writer-woman and her funeral with a tiny casket. Charlotte was cremated. That was my choice. I couldn't understand or handle the thought of having her be away from us. I wanted to keep her with me. The first few days were the hardest, when we waited for all the paperwork to process and her body to be sent to the funeral home for cremation. I just wanted her with me. I brought her cremains to the beach with us when we went to the beach two weeks later. I just wanted her nearby. The closest we had to a funeral was placing her cremains in the silver heart box I picked out and later arranging her shelf on the curio cabinet. No mourners, besides her parents. No casket, just a little box. As a side note, there is a catalogue of urns that the funeral home had of all shapes and sizes, including cremain jewelry: keep your loved one with you (quite literally) every day. Nope. Not me. I considered a tattoo, but that's as far as it went. She's with me beyond physical, I know.
But still...I was jealous of this woman and her funeral. I wonder now if our reticence to have a funeral made it seem like we didn't want to mourn in a traditional sense. I wonder, if we had a funeral, if people might have understood more. I wonder, if we had a funeral, if maybe it would have legitimized or at least formalized our pain that I'm still so surprised people just didn't understand. I wonder, if we had a funeral, if things might not have been so lonely and disappointing.
I wonder, if we had a funeral, if people still wouldn't care or wouldn't get it. I wonder if people would even come. I wonder if that would be worse.
I don't know if I'll read the rest of the book.