Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, October 4, 2012

Considering Posting on Oct 15

I'm considering posting this on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day:


I bought this postcard online HERE when I started to consider sharing this.  

To be honest, I'm scared to share this.  I'm not ashamed of Charlotte.  I'm so very proud to be her mother.  She is not a secret.  She has a place of honor in my home that anyone close enough to me to enter my house would see.

And yet...

I never announced to the world that I was pregnant.  I don't know why.  I was scared.  So it becomes very difficult to go back now and say that not only was I pregnant, I gave birth to a little girl who died.

I don't want people to think that I am doing this for attention.  That isn't what I want.  I know that seems a little hard to believe, considering my varied blog rants about no one caring about me, but it's the truth.  I don't want or need the people I'm "friends" with to do or be anything.

So why would I post it?  Mike wouldn't like it.  So why would I post it?  I have nothing to gain.  So why would I post it? I don't have interest in the placating remarks of the people I know only tangentially on facebook.  So why would I post it?

It's infant and pregnancy loss awareness day.  Shouldn't I be brave enough to make people aware?  Aren't I brave enough to say to the world that my baby girl existed?  Isn't that the day, if I ever would, that I should be brave enough to say, "this happened to my family"?

There's a part of me who is bursting to say something...all the time.  Some times the voice in my head is screaming, "ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DAUGHTER."  I haven't listened.  I haven't told anyone new about Charlotte since the week after she died, when I told a few "friends" (see this post to see how well that went).

I don't know if I will or not.  What do you think, silent people who may or may not read my blog? 

2 comments:

  1. Hi Kait,

    I thought I should let you know I've been reading your blog for about a month now. I saw it posted on WTE and I've been addicted to the way you write. (I hope that's not creepy).

    I'm so sorry for everything you went through. I can't say I understand, but I certainly do wish there was something I could do to help you. I hope it helps to know that I'm someone out there who does care enough to at least read how you're feeling. I have two little girls myself and your blog has reminded me over and over how important it is to hug them so close everyday. I wanted to thank you so much for that reminder of how important it is to cherish your children every single day, like you have both of your girls.

    I ache for you with every post and i always wish do badly that I was able to do something to help. I'm listening.

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    1. Thank you, really, so very much. I keep telling myself that I'm just writing this for me, to have a place to say the things that the people in my life aren't equipped to listen to...but it's incredibly soothing and helpful to see a response like this and know that someone really does care. I feel so often let down by a lot of the people that are in my life, so it really helps to have a little, relatively anonymous boost like this. Thank you.

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