Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

New tests

So I just got some more tests in the mail....I ordered 25 for $20...I'm going to attempt to limit myself to two a day, which would then make them last until the day AFTER AF is supposed to get here. I really strongly feel like I Oed on Thursday or Friday of last week, which means I SHOULD be able to get a positive test (if it's a go for this month) within the next week or so. We'll see how that goes.

I have a really good feeling about this month. First, the psychic said so. There's this psychic that all the women on my message boards use, and she said we'd find out July from a cycle that started in June...so here goes! I just hope she meant this year!! Also, after this one particular BDing session while in Atlantic City, I suddenly got very calm and very centered, and I remember thinking, "That was it. In nine months, I'm going to have a baby. This was the one." That's never happened before...I really hope it's right! I'm REALLY ready for some good news.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I forgot to smile!

I bought the digital opks this month...simple right? When you are about to O, the digital test has a little smiley face on it....the other days it's just an empty circle. HOWEVER...

I went to Atlantic City this week. Lots of fun, and I think Mike and I needed it to reconnect....the sex-pressure doesn't feel so strong this month...THANK GOD....BUT it totally messed up my schedule, so I didn't test at the right times and I drank way too much caffeine, which could mess up my results...so now I'm worried I may have missed my smiley. There was still plenty of BDing to go around, so it I DID O, I didn't miss it....but now I have no idea if I should keep testing or not. Should I save my surplus tests for next month when I'm not so distracted, or should I keep testing "just in case".....What IS it with me and "just in case"???

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Cycle 8 BD Commencing...

So it's about that time again...the OPKs still say no...I caved and bought the digital ones with the smiley face...but it's time to start regardless...just in case.

We're leaving for Atlantic City tomorrow...this seems like deja vu. Check out my blog entry here to see why. Last time my luck took a vacation all together...this time, I would like either a major jackpot or a baby please. How big of a good luck charm do I need?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Thoughts on Father's Day

It's Father's Day today. Mother's Day was decidedly difficult for me. I kept thinking about the child I wanted to have in my arms, not just in my heart, and it made me very sad that NO ONE saw me as a mother, though I have an angel baby somewhere out there. So now it's Father's Day...and I want to feel that same anger for Mike. He should be a father right now. His child should be breathing and smiling in his arms today, and it's not. At the same time, I know that he doesn't want to make it a big deal, so I've held back...I wanted to get him a card and acknowledge him as the father of my children (past and future...no present), but he doesn't want that. So I say it here: On this Father's Day, I want to thank my husband for being the father I needed him to be in times past, and I want to thank him for the hope he gives me of seeing him be the amazing father he can be in the future. Happy Father's Day MooBear.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Message board addict

I've been a fan of the whattoexpect.com message boards since I started this whole process in August...first I was on the "Due April 2010" board, then the "Grief and Loss" board, and now "Trying to Conceive".

My addiction to these message boards is getting worse. For the first two boards, I never actually had a signature...it seemed too complicated, and I didn't want to bother. I now have a banner for the "Green Girls" (girls who POAS the same week as me), an anniversary ticker, a cycle ticker, two stickers (1 TTC after loss and 1 police wife), a pikistrip (row of fun pictures), AND a link to my blog. It's getting obnoxious. Not only that, but I started this month's Green Girls thread, so I'm the one making and updating the banner....this is getting serious.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well that's different.

So a weird version of AF came last night...watery as all get out and bright pinky/orange rather than red. Weird. I also tested this morning "just in case" (again, I'm a fan of just in case...) using a brand of test I don't usually use, and I got a weird result that I don't quite know how to interpret...it's just weird. Why can't anything ever just be clear? Do I have to second-guess this entire process?!

Ah...there it is.

So, apparently I just had a 30 day cycle for no apparent reason. Still planning to test tomorrow, just in case (I'm a big fan of just in case), but at least I know what the deal is now. On to cycle 8...I grow tired of this activity.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Still...

Still nothing.
Still frustrated.
Still waiting.
Still trying to be pessimistic.
Still fighting hope.
Still on cycle 7...30 days later.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Now what?

So, after the mc, my cycles wandered from 3 to 5 weeks in length...but the last three have all been EXACTLY 28 days, even starting at the same TIME of day in exactly the same way....ok, it's the 28th day...now what? I've been testing every single morning...BIG no every time. So I accepted the inevitable, "OK, this isn't the month...let's move on." ...and no AF. Unfortunately, this gives me undue hope, and I know that when she eventually DOES rear her ugly head, I'll be more crushed than I would have been if she'd just shown up on time. Hope, in this case, is not a good thing.

That's reason #2 of why I test early...there's a time between 3 days before AF and 2 days before AF when my hope starts to dim. Every negative just brings it down a little bit more...it gets to the point that, when AF does actually show, it's almost a relief. It means that I get to try again. I need that hope to fade so that I'm not CRUSHED...and being late just gets my hopes up. Not good....because I start thinking about last time. Last time, I didn't test until 5 days AFTER my period was due...I was on birth control, so it didn't really SERIOUSLY cross my mind until four days later...and then I waited another day, just in case. So then I start thinking to myself...maybe it just takes a long time for the HCG to work its way from my blood to my urine...maybe I'm just one of those people who has a harder time with the POAS tests...maybe tomorrow will be my positive...maybe a lot of things.

...trying VERY hard to be pessimistic. I need to protect myself.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How many and how much?

I was one of those people who watched Titanic in the theater several (read:many) times. Whenever I told someone the exact number, they always wanted to try to figure out either how long I sat in the theater, or how much money I spent on tickets...

So now for the conception version of this party game. It's called "How many and how much?" I'm on my 7th cycle...for each cycle, I've gone through 15-40 internet cheapies, worth approximately $.50 each. I also have taken at LEAST two FRER tests with each cycle, worth $4-5 each. With my cycle that turned chemical, I think I went through about 15 FRERs...not good.

Numbers first:

averaging 25 ICs/cycle x 7 cycles = 175 ICs
averaging 2 FRERs/cycle x 7 cycles = 14 FRERs
additional FRERs (cycle 3) = 12
Approximate number of tests taken = 200


Cost second:

175 ICs x $.50 = $62.50
26 FRERs x $4.50 = $117
Approximate total cost = $180

...wow.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I should probably feel guilty about that...

I had brunch with some friends today, and mimosas were the drink of the day. Now, I'm at about 10-11 (ish) dpo, and it's possible to be preggo at this point and still be testing negative...I should probably feel guilty about drinking today...but I don't. You see, I'm usually, by the end of a cycle, feeling like a moron because I cut back on all the bad stuff "just in case" when there was no case...so, if all my friends were going to have mimosas, I was going to have mimosas too!

There's a part of me that's kindof goading fate...like, haha fate, you won't let me get knocked up, I'm going to drink...so spite me by giving me a baby! Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, so I suppose that'll have to do!

Friday, June 4, 2010

A List of Imagined Symptoms

1. My nose...it's suddenly good again. That was one of my most pronounced pregnancy symptoms the first time around. I stuck my head in my husband's office this afternoon, and I could smell his cologne PAINFULLY clearly...did I mention that he's exceedingly stingy with cologne?
2. My chest...it doesn't HURT exactly...but that's not normal. Seriously.
3. Cramps...it's 3-4 days early to be AF cramps, and it's actually supposed to be a GOOD sign this early.
4. TIRED. Took a 3 hour nap on Tuesday, sleep-walked through most of Wednesday, and went to bed at 9 last night. Am currently exhausted.
5. TMI, but take my word for it, it's a good sign.

So, am I imagining things again? Probably. But at least I care again! Haven't cared too much in the last cycle and a half!
:-)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I think I'm just lazy...

So yesterday after school (teacher, not student), I lay on my couch to read for a few minutes, and I fell asleep for about three hours. There's a part of me that wants to count that (and the cookie dough that was my dinner) as an exceedingly early pregnancy symptom...I can't even legitimately test for another week or so...so, yeah, right.

I think I'm just lazy. This happens to me every month. I get psycho-somatic symptoms for pregnancies that don't exist. I'm extra tired and take a nap (that's just lazy), or I have a craving for cookie dough/salsa/cheese/whatever (I'm just piggy), or my chest hurts (from chest presses with free weights and/or from poking myself to see if I'm sore)....all kinds of fictional nonsense.

The two-week-wait is a killer. The mind can play all kinds of tricks on you if you're looking for signs that don't exist.

*sigh*