Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sooo....

Feeling REALLY good about this cycle.   :-)


I'm currently trying NOT to get my hopes up....I'd only be 3 weeks 2 days, so I don't want to believe it yet....but it looks good!  This was a FRER, not an internet cheapie test, so.....seriously, it looks good!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Over-testing as a coping mechanism

A friend recently helped me to realize the extent to which my over-testing is in fact a thinly veiled coping mechanism. Allow me to explain....

1.  I start testing at 4-5 dpo, which is ridiculous.  It's not even possible to get a positive that early.  It's simply not.  That means, when I see a big fat negative, it's not really a bad thing.  It's SUPPOSED to be negative.  In that was I allow myself to be OK with seeing negative tests.

2.  After 8dpo, the threshold at which I might actually see a positive, I start testing twice a day.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes I start two-a-days even earlier than that.  As I get closer to the definitive yes or no answer, I take twice as many tests, and see twice as many negatives.  It's almost as though I'm building up an immunity to disappointment.

3.  As I cross the threshold of 11-13 days post ovulation, the time in which I really SHOULD see something if there were something to see, I've seen so many negatives already that it's no big shock.  At the same time, each additional negative test brings my hope down just a little lower. 

4.  When AF actually rings the doorbell, I'm expecting it, because I've had 3,536 negative tests.  At that point, I'm almost GLAD that AF has shown up so that I can start on the next month, all fresh and shiny.

So you see, over-testing isn't just an addiction.  It's a (relatively) logical answer to depression and a coping mechanism for repeated failure to conceive. 

PS--am currently at 7.5 dpo, and am firmly on step two of the coping plan for this month.  I'm not going to lie, I'd really love to skip steps three and four. 

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Fighting bitterness

So, yet another of my friends has announced her pregnancy today.  I knew this one was coming, but it doesn't make seeing ultrasound pictures on facebook any easier.  She and her husband were trying for approximately three and a half minutes...or at least, that's the way it feels to me.  I'm having a hard time not being bitter at the apparent ease of her fertility.  What's the deal with us?  Why are we the ones who are dealing with all the struggles and seemingly endless disappointment?  Sometimes life really seems unfair.  Is it so wrong that I want to be someone's mother?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Is it 8 days yet?

Currently at 4dpo....hating it.  The 2ww is always awful.  On the bright side, this one is going by slightly faster...since I'll be testing the week I have to go back to school, which I am dreading more than I'm looking forward to 8dpo, the strange time-warp that is my relative perception is going very quickly right now.  If I get a positive, I'll be more than happy to go back and teach, thank you. :-)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Last 2WW of the summer

Wow.  I'm now two days into my last two week wait of the summer.  Time flies by way too fast sometimes.  I plan to test for "real" starting on Monday, which puts me at 8 dpo...it'd be nice to start the school year off with a positive, so that I have something to look forward to.  *sigh(

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Am I old, or....

Just found out that a child for whom I used to babysit is having her first child this year.  How is that fair?  Am I really that old?  I'm only 28?!  I've been trying to have a baby for over a year now; she's just barely 21!  Ugh.  Kindof disgruntled about this whole shenanigans.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Smiley #2!

I tried the internet cheapie ovulation sticks for a few months, and I never got a positive reading.  I was shooting in the dark....so to speak (I'm enjoying my own pun on that one a little too much!)

So last month I switched over to the clear blue easy digital OPKs and I LOVE them.  They're so much more clear than the ICs were, and they're actually POSITIVE!  I got my smiley face for the second month in a row today, which means I'll be ovulating in the next 12-36 (ish) hours! Yay!

That also means that I'll be at 10(ish) dpo on September 1st!  This is the anniversary of our engagement (4 years!) and it also happens to be the week BEFORE school starts!  How fabulous is that?!

Loving life right now. :-)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thoughts on sperm

So I watched pieces of a documentary yesterday about sperm.  In order to get people to understand how arduous a sperm's journey is, they had men and women dressed in white standing in as mock sperm and running a super marathon through a mountain range/swamp/etc, which was meant to symbolize the rugged terrain of the vagina/cervix/etc.  Now, granted, I understand the importance of explaining to people how the spermtastic journey occurs.  I get that, I do.

That being said, the absurdity of this visual is beyond words.  Here's a screen shot of the "sperm" racing through the mountain range of the vagina...I kid you not.

 
I'm left torn by what my emotions should be with regards to sperm.  Should I feel bad for them as they participate in their epic journeys?  Should I be nervous because so many don't survive the quest?  Should I be pissed that my men and women in white pants-suits haven't seemed to make it across my mountain range yet?

This documentary (which was a good hour or so long) also did little to clear up confusion about when to have sex to optimize healthy white pants-suited people.  Wait too long, and your men and women are old and immobile.  You can't get a wheelchair through the mountain range.  Don't wait long enough and you'll release too few men and women.  It's like the Oregon Trail....the more settlers you take in your covered wagon, the more likely you'll get farther than Iowa.  I'm mixing my metaphors (or similes...but that's just the English teacher talking), but you get the point.

Can't I just buy the sperm a plane ticket or a hummer or something??

Thursday, August 19, 2010

General Thoughts on Whining

I'm going to start by acknowledging the irony of my ranting whine about people whining.  Yes, I realize I'm being hypocritical.   My bad.

Pregnant people need to stop whining to me about how much pregnancy sucks. Really?  You're going to try to tell me about how awful you have it?  Right, sure.  You have everything that I want in the world, and you want me to feel sorry for you because you threw up this morning?  Sorry babe, I'm just not that good natured.  I'm at the point where I would relish nausea and vomiting, I'd embrace weird cravings wholeheartedly, and I'd love to have swollen sausage fingers.  I went through three months of a rather rocky pregnancy...this is NOT a case of, "if she knew what it was 'really' like...." No, no....I know.  I'm at the point that I would do or accept just about anything in order to have a child.  If someone told me that for the next nine months I had to speak in rhyming sentences and only eat burned rye bread, I'd be all over it.  I've had over a year at this point to realize just how much I want to have a baby....and right now, how much I'd just like to be pregnant...so there's not much that I wouldn't take to have that.

Stop whining.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

BD scheduling...

My husband is a police officer.  He loves his job, and I love that it makes him happy.  I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the danger element, and everything works out just fine. 

HOWEVER...

He works 4pm-2am.  I'm a teacher.  I work 7am-3:30pm.  Do the math.  Not a lot of overlap when we're both working.  Now, for the last three cycles, I've been on summer break, and it's been fabulous.  I just adjusted to his sleep schedule (hence me blogging at 3:30am) and we BD before we go to sleep like all the normal people do...it just happens to be at 3 or 4 in the morning. 

That being said, after this cycle I'm back to my normal work schedule, and then....

How does one justify to a classroom of teenagers (yeah, it's high school....that makes it worse, I think) why I look like death warmed over first thing in the morning for a solid week per month?!  "Sorry class, my husband woke me up at 3am so that we could have sex. Oh, and he's going to do it again tonight.  But don't worry, I'll be back to normal next week."

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ugh, really?

Having the worst heartburn right now.

So, I'm once again on the "Maybe I should test again...just in case...even though I had AF last week" train.  I think this is a large dose of delusion on my part...though I do have some wonky symptoms going on.  Massive heartburn.  Emotionally ridiculous and uncontrollably swinging.  Bloated like it's NOBODY'S business.  General feelings of nausea and ickyness. 

I'm just plain crazy.  *sigh*

I will say, though, that this is one of the lightest AFs I've ever had.  Weird.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The start of cycle ten

I can't believe I'm on cycle ten already.  Wow.  I'm remembering that if I'd gotten pregnant at the beginning of this trying to concieve journey I would have a baby right now.  Seems a little crazy.

I've finally gotten a bit of my zen back this weekend.  The first day or two of AF were rough this cycle.  Once again, I drank the Kool-Aid and totally believed that this was it.  It wasn't.  That sucks.  I think that it was hard since it was on the exact same time table as last year, which would have been kindof cool.  It would have been nice to start on that same track at the same starting point.  Oh well, I guess it just wasn't the month. 

On to cycle ten.  I wouldn't mind having a May baby.  That's where I'd be if this were the month.  The nice thing about April and May is the transition into the summer on maternity leave.  I could handle that. 

Fingers crossed, yet again.

Monday, August 9, 2010

BFN...again

AF is bad in the best of circumstances.  AF at the beach, with my whole family around, and exactly one year after I got my first BFP is decidedly not the best of circumstances.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Decidedly grumpy

I quit.  No AF yet (not due until Monday at the EARLIEST...likely Tues or Wed), but I tested several times today and I got nothing.  Was it a fluke, or was it misread, or was it chemical, or will I get a positive tomorrow?  Bah.  I quit.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A little frustrated...

So, OK, I have my abnormal hpt result...now, in EVERYTHING I've read, if it shows up in the time frame, WHATEVER it looks like, it's a good thing.  So I had SOMETHING...it wasn't the clearest of lines, but it was SOMETHING....and I posted it to my message board.

I was somewhat disappointed in the responses I got.  Rather than saying yes or no as to whether or not they saw something, most just said "test tomorrow with FMU".  Well DUH I'm going to test tomorrow with FMU....I test multiple times a day!  Of COURSE I'll be testing tomorrow morning.  The question was what do you think of THIS test today??  Tomorrow morning is HOURS away.  Bah.

Wanting to be cautiously hopeful and optimistic, and feeling defeated.  Bah.

No, no, I mean it this time....maaaaybe??

So, I'm pretty sure Tuesday's test was an evap line...I let it sit for too long...but on my third test for today I got this:
Maaaaaybe??  Maybe?  Panic.  Sheer panic.  Maybe?????

At this point I'm remembering getting one of these and having it turn into a chemical pregnancy...that was back in....what, February??  March??  I have no idea.

Maaaaaybe??

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Feeling discouraged

So I tested again today and nothing...so I think it had to have been an evap line.  Damn.  I was pretty hopeful.  HOWEVER....I am only at 9 dpo today, so it's still super early.  Trying not to give up hope on this yet.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

No, no, really....maaaaaybe??

So, since I'm currently 8-9 dpo, I'm currently taking 2 tests a day...just in case. 

I decide to take one this afternoon at about 4, then I jump in the shower, completely forgetting to check it.  So when I looked later, there was DEFINITELY something there.  Now, I left it for too long, so it could TOTALLY be an evap line....but maybe not?  I don't know!

I'm DESPERATE to test again, but I don't want to be disappointed.  I'm worried I'm getting my hopes up for no good reason. :-/

Monday, August 2, 2010

Maaaaaybe?

So, I'm at 6-7 dpo.  I got my smiley last Sunday morning, and it's supposed to be 12-36 hours after that.

So, last night, I go to the bathroom (if you have issues with TMI, stop reading here...if you don't, don't blame me if you don't like it!).  When I wiped my normal cm looked wierd and orange.  Not in a bloody orange color...orange like the blogspot logo orange.  So I wipe again...the orange went away.  I think nothing of it.  Later that night, I went again, and THIS time it's brown...as in the color brown that I get at the very end or very beginning of AF...but it's too early for AF.

Implantation bleeding?!  Anyone?!  Maybe?!

Last time I didn't notice any ib, but last time I was on the pill, we weren't trying, and I highly doubt that I would have noticed anything if there was anything...if it was faint and vague like this, I'm sure I'd have just blown it off.  So what is it?!

I'm torn about whether or  not to talk to Mike about it.  On the one hand, I really really don't want to get his hopes up if I'm wrong.  I love it when he's positive and optimistic, but I hate telling him it's a no with a passion, especially when he's positive and optimistic.  On the other hand...what if it is?!  Don't I want to give him this hope so that these next few days seem a little brighter?  Shouldn't we be celebrating what could be? 

So torn...

As a side note, as I'm leaving for a week at the beach on Saturday, I would REALLY appreciate getting my BFP...AF on a good day really sucks, but AF at the beach is a major bummer.