Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Feel like I cheated...

So, at my 33 week appointment, my doctor said she'd stop my working at my next appointment, 36 weeks, which was during spring break.  OK, fine.  So I do all my sub plans, make preparations, tell the people at school I'm leaving, etc. etc. etc.   I'm also changing schools this year, so it's actually my last week at that school...ever.  Crazy.  So I go to my 36 week appointment (five days into spring break) and my doctor said, eh, you can keep working until your 37 week appointment since your swelling isn't that bad now.  Well, my swelling isn't bad because I've been off work and off my feet for the last FIVE DAYS...ugh.

So I go into work yesterday morning (what would be my first day "back" before leaving again after school on Wednesday...we're talking three days here) and I go up to the sub coordinator...and I didn't say anything.  I let her lead, and she told me that my sub was scheduled to start that day.  I didn't correct her.  I didn't tell them my doctor had given me three more days to work.  I totally feel like I'm cheating.  Does this make me a COMPLETELY horrible person?  I mean, seriously, being there for ONE hour Monday morning caused me to have more swelling than I did the entirety of spring break (stress!!), and I KNOW I'm better off at home...but I feel like I'm cheating.  *sigh* 

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Almost there...when did that happen?!?!

OK, so I've been freaking out this week.  It's my last week of work this week.  I'm a teacher, and the stress is making me blow up like a balloon...SO not the doctor told me this is it. I'm also changing schools for next year, which means that this is my last week at this school...where I've been for seven years.  So, lots of changes...which has made me feel a little off balance to begin with...

...but then I realized (as the pool for the baby's birthday was being taken at work) that I could feasibly and realistically have a child in a week or two.  Whoa, whoa, whoa...when did that happen??  I mean, intellectually, yes, I know that there is a child hanging out in there...and I know that this is a finite time in which she needs to grow...but wasn't I just thinking about hitting 20 weeks?  Didn't I just wonder last week whether or not I looked pregnant or just fat?  I see my nursery coming together...and we finally bought diapers...and...all of that...but it could actually HAPPEN soon...up until now it's just been kindof a vague, theoretical concept!

Now, don't get me wrong...I am beyond excited to meet her.  I can't wait to take care of her, and see her face, and watch my husband hold her for the first time, and read her some of the books I got for my shower (PS--we did the thing where you ask people to bring their favorite children's book in lieu of a idea EVER.  We now have a whole library of books filled with inscriptions of love!!). 

...BUT...I think what's freaking me out is that I know it's going to be a huge change, and I'm going to have a huge emotional reaction, and there is absolutely NO WAY to prepare for that!  I can buy diapers, and pack my bag, and clean the house, but I can't prepare myself to feel....whatever it is I'm going to feel.  It's FREAKING ME OUT. 

I feel really bad about it, because I don't want poor DH thinking I'm not happy (because I am) or for people to not think I'm excited (because I'm that, too)....but the incessant planner in me is FREAKING OUT about being unprepared!!  I know that once she's here and I see her that it will make sense...but it just seems so UNREAL at this point.