I've been considering what to write for a few days.
I've really enjoyed the last week with Mia. I loved watching her open her presents. I loved getting to hold her on Christmas morning. I loved waking up and snugggling together while watching Sesame Street. In so many ways I feel so lucky this last week. Mia is happy and healthy and so very wonderful. I love her so much.
I got to walk with her in the snow on Christmas Eve. I got to help her open her stocking. I got to help her leave out cookies for Santa. I got to dress her in her Christmas dress. I got to watch my favorite Christmas specials with her. I got to enjoy all the best of the holidays with my little girl, and it was wonderful.
Dear God, I miss Charlotte.
There have been so many hard moments this last week.
At church on Christmas Eve, a girl sat in front of me with a small, purple, rhindstone butterfly barrette in her hair...and then the priest said something about loved ones who we wish were here with us this holiday but were in heaven...
It's been windy...but there were a couple of days when I didn't hear the chimes.
It was the testing week again. If this was our month, we could have gotten a positive test on Christmas day. I believed it this month. I think maybe I believe it every month...but I believed it so much. I thought...she'd come back to us...as least in part. I thought I'd get to feel her with us on Christmas.
It's a no for this month. I'm so tired.
I feel guilty for being sad...being upset. I know I am blessed in so many ways. I have the most amazing, perfect, smart little girl...and I lost the most amazing, perfect little girl. How do you feel when you have everything and you've lost everything at the same time?
I'm going to attempt to start pulling my head out of the sand today. It scares me...but I think the world may be starting to notice that, in everything except Mia, I've just been treading water since July. I'm mot sure where I'll swim to...but I think I have to move. At least I hear the chimes today.
Wish me luck...and love. I can always use more love.