Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Friday, December 24, 2010

It's a baby! :-)

The baby's fine.  Thank goodness.  Our big ultrasound went great.  All body parts accounted for, in the right place, and seeming to be functioning well.  I'm even measuring two days ahead, which ironically (or aptly, depending on how you choose to look at it) is the 14th.  Everyone in my family (except Mike) was born on a multiple of 7.  I'm the 21, my niece and nephew are both the 7th, my sisters are the 14th, the 14th, and the 28th, my brother is the 21st, and my brother in law is the 7th.  It'd be kindof cool for my little chicklet to follow suit.

On a side note....We found out on Wednesday, the 22nd....and we're waiting until Christmas morning to tell family, then Christmas afternoon/evening to tell everyone else...it's really hard!  Since it's Christmas time, I've seen my family several times, and it's incredibly hard to NOT use a pronoun...or a name!  We've had names picked out since LAST September, so we know the baby's name....and I can't tell anyone!  *sigh*  One more day...I keep telling myself that telling everyone will bring SO much satisfaction tomorrow.  Let's hope we get good reactions...especially since we haven't yet told Mike's parents our name choices.  *gulp*

Lastly, I come out on facebook tomorrow.  I'm revealing EVERYTHING, from the fact that I'm pregnant (yup, most don't know that) to the fact that it's a ____ (a few of my friends have access to this blog, and I don't want to inadvertently spill the beans should they happen to read this on Christmas Eve...PS--if you're reading this on Christmas Eve, go watch a holiday movie or bake cookies or something!  I'm not that interesting!!)

Merry Christmas!

Sunday, December 12, 2010

Picking a team...

All of the message boards have women sporting banners that say "Team Blue", "Team Pink", or "Team Green", signifying whether they're having a boy, a girl, or a surprise.  I'm team yet to be determined.  We have our level two ultrasound on the 22nd...three days before Christmas.  I'm pretty psyched about it, but I'm also incredibly nervous...This would be the ultrasound when they'd pick up any genetic anomolies, and a part of me is terrified that they'll tell us something is wrong.  I know that I hear the heartbeat every day, and I've even felt him move a few times (when I'm very still and very focused), but I'm very scared that something may be wrong with him regardless.  I know I've said it many times already throughout this pregnancy, but if I can JUST get past this ultrasound, I'll start to relax.

Friday, December 3, 2010

Anybody home?

I may or may not possibly maybe be starting to feel the Chicklet move.  Maybe.  I was standing in the library today after school, after what was a very long, tiring, and stressful day.  All of a sudden, I felt a little *POP* in my lower abdomen.  I thought it might just be a gas bubble...but that always leads to gas, and it didn't that time.  I didn't get the feeling of anything moving through, like I do with gas, but more that something was moving in place...like I would imagine the baby would do. 

It's funny, too.  I've been saying since September that I think it's a boy...and now, suddenly, in the last week or so, I can't help thinking that it's a girl.  I was reading online, and, while "he" is usually the default personal pronoun, they kept referring to the babies as "she".  Also, my sister is DEAD SET that it's a girl.  She wants to call her Amelia Bedilia, after the series of children's books that she read to me as a little girl (she's thirteen years older).  Who knows!

I have my next doctor's appointment on Tuesday.  I'll be seventeen weeks and one day at that point.  That means that I should be able to schedule my 20-week ultrasound.  I am exceedingly excited about this.  I'm also a little nervous.  I know that Chicklet's alive and well, and that he's growing just fine, but I have vague paranoia that there will be something wrong with him.  Hopefully not, and the doppler has really helped me to stay calm, but I'm still a little scared.  I'm very thankful I get to listen to the heartbeat every night, because otherwise I would have completely lost my mind by now...hopefully, when and if I start feeling him move consistantly, I'll be able to relax that much more.

I really am just loving every minute of being pregnant...though I still feel funny SAYING that I'm pregnant.  Silly Kait.

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Things I'm thankful for....

It's Thanksgiving (though barely...I waited too long to write this!) and I actually am just overwhelmed by the number of things I have to be thankful for.

I'm thankful for my wonderful husband, who tries so hard to make me happy, who loves me unconditionally (even when I don't deserve it), and who makes me feel lucky every single day.

I'm thankful that everyone I love and care about is healthy and (at least relatively) happy this holiday season.

I'm thankful that I have a wonderful home, sweet and loving pets, and a job that pays the bills (and that I even like sometimes).

I'm thankful that I have so many people in my life who want good things for me and are happy to celebrate them with me.

I'm thankful that my Chicklet is strong and healthy, and that I'm going to get to be the mother I've always wanted to be very soon....

I'm very blessed...I recognize that and am thankful today...

Out of the closet

So I'm starting to tell people...I mean, really, I'm about four months in...the jig is up.  My belly's starting to show, and I'll know if he's a boy or a girl within the month.  It had to happen.  I am not, however, "out" on facebook.  I was thinking about it after I woke up this morning (from the strangest dream....I was in labor, but I wasn't me...I was Mike....so I saw the whole thing from his perspective...and it grossed me out).  I think I may wait to tell facebook until after the next ultrasound, then share news along with the new pics and the gender...I think that would be fun...maybe....ish.  *shrug*  I'm hoping this isn't my subconscious trying to put it off a little longer...it does that sometimes!

Tuesday, November 23, 2010

What's poppin'?

Oh yeah...that'd be me!  Belly's getting bigger, and I've now made the permanent switch to maternity pants...it was just uncomfortable.  Yeah, I could kinda sorta still wear my old pants now, but...it just isn't pretty.  I also started taking the weekly belly photos last week...and was shocked to see a marked difference in just the first two weeks, even!  Awesome.  It's still a little scary though...it's a wierd feeling.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The pudge mask

I'm not the most svelte person on the planet...hello understatement.  That being said, I'm not grossly overweight or obese.  I do, however, have this annoying icky pudge on my lower abdomen...it's been there for as long as I can remember.  I think I got it before I knew how to take care of myself and/or exercise...and it's simply never gone away.  So now, when I'm desperate for a baby bump, I have a pudge mask.  If I poke my pudge, it's harder, and you can feel that there's something underneath it, but I look pretty much the same.  My belly has grown, but it doesn't look like a baby belly...it looks like my same old pudge.  I'm disgruntled that my pudge is masking my chicklet.  He's right there!!  Is it so wrong that I want other people to see it?  That being said, I turn fourteen weeks tomorrow, and I haven't told (or had to tell) anyone at work yet.  I guess that's the positive side of the pudge?

Sunday, November 7, 2010

Making a big deal...

So, a friend recently told me that I'm downplaying everything too much...I don't like making a big deal about my pregnancy symptoms, I get embarrassed when people talk about the baby, and I'm just generally trying to keep my emotions in check.  I know that this is a huge, big deal to me, but women are pregnant all the time, and it's not the center of everyone else's worlds.  That being said, I'm still having problems with reactions.  People are taking my downplayed attitude as though I'm not excited and I don't want people to say even congratulations.  That's not it.  At all.  So what should I be doing?  Should I scream it from the mountain tops and beg people to be happy for me?  Should I keep on the same path and just take everything as it comes? 

I just don't understand...how can people (especially people who know my past and what I've gone through) not be excited for me?  And, really, if not excited, at least congratulatory.  I went through a massive heartbreak and then almost a year of trying to have a baby.  Now, when I actually AM having a baby, when everything is actually going well, and when it looks like I may actually get to meet this child, people won't share my happiness?

Maybe it's my own fault, in part.  When I went through the miscarriage (it's hard to write that, I'm not going to lie), I didn't want to talk about it.  I am a ridiculously private person when it comes to my emotions and my body, and I just didn't have the energy to talk about it.  I think people took that to mean that I didn't want to talk about anything....ever.  I don't know. 

If you know me, and you're reading this, please....please just be happy and enthusiastic for me, ok? 

Friday, November 5, 2010

So close....

I am only three days from the second trimester...I'm so very close...This week has me a little freaked out, though.  Last time, I was at 12 weeks 5 days (read: today) when I started spotting, 12 weeks 6 days when I had the ultrasound to confirm it, and 13 weeks 0 days when I had my D&C.  I know it's incredibly supersticious, but something about the next three days really freaks me out.  I remember having that same feeling of relaxing...feeling that the coming of the second trimester meant that I could stop worrying, at least to an extent...and then it go worse.  I'm really hopeful that when I hit 13 weeks 0 days with no spotting, and hearing the heartbeat, it'll seem ok.  I would love to stop worrying so much.  I haven't even told most people yet.  Even some of my family members don't know.  It seems silly, and yet it terrifies me to tell people...last time I told people about a week before I had to un-tell them.  I know it was just coincidence, but it still scares me.  *sigh*  So close...

Monday, October 18, 2010

It just wears off so fast!

So, thank GOD I have the fetal doppler (aka heartbeat monitor).  I have minor panic attacks at least once daily that Chicklet's just going to suddenly stop living...I don't know why, I just do.  So, I've been listening to Chicklet's little heartbeat at LEAST once a day to reassure myself that he's doing fine.  I just wish that sense of "aaaah....he's ok" would last longer than an hour!

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Oh, thank God!

Chicklet---9weeks1day
Chicklet's OK!  We FINALLY had our ultrasound today, and he seems to be just about perfect!  He's measuring RIGHT on track (actually measured a day ahead, but she said they would keep the due date at May 16) with a heart rate of 171 beats/minute.  I'm so ridiculously relieved...I held my breath until we saw the little flickering of the heart. 

PS--I say he, but we have no idea what the actual gender is...we figure, if he turns out to be a girl, she'd probably prefer "he" to "it" just like we do. :-)

Monday, October 11, 2010

Nervous

My ultrasound's tomorrow at 11am.  I'm a little nervous about it.  The only other experience I have with ultrasound was last year when they told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat....traumatic to say the least.  If I hadn't been able to listen to the heartbeat intermittently over the last four days, I would have had a panic attack by now. 

Here's the scary part: 
My ultrasound last year, the bad one, was on October 12.
Tomorrow is October 12.
My ultrasound was at some place 20-30 miles away, even though there are closer places.
My appointment tomorrow is in the same place.

The coincidence of this nonsense is freaking me out a bit.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

Oh wow!!!

So, last time I was pregnant, I bought a fetal doppler...a little wand you use to hear the baby's heartbeat.  See, at my first doctor's appointment, the doctor said she heard the heartbeat...but I couldn't.  I only heard my own.  I had a meltdown in the car on the way home.  Poor Mike, in an effort to make me feel better, let me buy my OWN doppler online....never did hear the heartbeat last time.

Fast forward to now.  I'm currently 8weeks 4days preggo.  I've been using the doppler for about 5 minutes a day, just in case.  (I'm a HUGE fan of just in case)  So, tonight, I'm getting ready to call it quits, when I toot.  Yeah, yeah, silly and gross....BUT....when that gas left my tummy, I heard a little rumble...so I waited, and reangled....and I heard it!!! I heard Chicklet's heartbeat!!  He's ALIVE!!!!!  It sounds JUST like it's supposed to sound and, while it's still super-faint (he's only a raspberry, for crying out loud!), it was really clear!  SOOOOOO unbelievably excited.  I think I'm more excited now than I was when I got my positive pregnancy test. 

THIS IS IT!!!  I'm going to be a mama!!!  :-) :-) :-) :-)

Monday, September 27, 2010

Achoo, achoo, eheh, eheh

I have a cold. :-(  I read somewhere about having a lowered immune system at the moment, which, coupled with school starting up (gotta love the germy kids), has definitely taken its toll this week.  Not pretty.  Eww.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

Hungry or nauseated??

OK, new symptom:  I can't tell the difference between hungry and queasy.  Around meal times, I start to feel sick, but the hunger never comes....I'm wondering: Is my brain now interpreting hunger as nausea??  Can I not tell the difference any more??  Or am I really just NOT hungry.  I feel like you feel when you have the flu and you REALLY don't want to eat anything because nothing sounds good....but I have to eat, because I can't just NOT eat, and I think I SHOULD be hungry....right?

Not complaining, by the way....just confused.  I refuse to complain about being pregnant because 1. I've waited almost a whole year to BECOME pregnant, so I'm determined to enjoy every minute, and 2. I still have several friends on the TTC boards who would LOVE to be confused about hunger/queasiness right now. 

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Seriously??

I got poison ivy.  Mike's a cop, and he, for some reason, was tromping through the woods earlier this week.  When he gets home, he always crawls into bed with me, puts his arm around me, and lets me know he's home.  Normally this is great....HOWEVER....he apparently came home with ivy juice on his hands!  I now have a seriously itchy patch on my tummy and....get this...another patch on my boobage!  Seriously?!  Who gets poison ivy on the boobs?  Like they weren't sore to begin with, right?

And my FAVORITE part of this is that I can't use the steroid creme that cuts the healing time because of the Chicklet!  It doesn't appear to be getting better any time soon. :-(

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Worried about making others feel bad....

So, I spent a LOT of time on the TTC message boards in the last few months, and there are several women whose stories I've been following fairly closely...they've supported me, and I've done my best to support them. 

Now that I'm actually pregnant (still weird to write that), I worry that my presence on that board might make people unhappy.  I mean, I went through some struggles to conceive this little Chicklet, but the women on the TTC boards are still waiting...I don't want to make them feel bad, or sad, or angry....but I want to support the women that I care about!

Feeling torn.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Feeling euphoric....and freaking myself out!

I'm so happy it's scary...literally.  I'm usually a relatively upbeat person (though you probably wouldn't know that from reading this blog....sorry!), but I'm not generally euphoric and/or manic....but I'm DEFINITELY feeling that tonight.  My "Due in May" message board started color threads (I'm a green girl....due May 15-21), and so I feel like I've finally found my niche on the May board.  I'm also feeling queasy, which, ironically, makes me ecstatic, because it means my hormones are increasing appropriately...I should be feeling some symptoms right about now.  I also ordered some new maternity clothes today....Old Navy was having their traditional September sale, so I bought a few things.  I already HAVE a few things, but it'll be nice to have something new...even though I didn't wear the vast majority of it last year!

I'm enjoying the crazy happy feeling for the moment....loving life.

...Mama loves you Chicklet!!

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Thoughts on the naming ritual

We picked out names the last time we were pregnant (I say we, even though technically I am the only one that's pregnant, because Mike is an amazing husband who deserves to be included on that....seriously, he's fantastic, and I love him....more on that later).

I want to briefly share how we picked out our names, and then comment on names in general.

Kait and Mike's Name Choice Ritual:
  • Step 1---Buy a huge name book (I picked 10,000 baby names, but any will do, I suppose)
  • Step 2---Read every single name in said huge baby book (this step takes a while)
  • Step 3---As you're reading through the book, write down every name that you would consider (for first or middle names).  If you wouldn't consider it, it won't be the baby's name, so it doesn't MATTER if your husband might have liked it!  This usually results in somewhere around 100 names.
  • Step 4---Read the resulting list to the husband.  Any that he would NOT consider is stricken from the list.  This decreases the list substantially, and left us with approximately 20 names of each gender.
  • Step 5---Individually (you and husband both) rank the names in order of preference. 
  • Step 6---Compare rankings
  • Step 7---Create combinations of these favorite names that you BOTH like.

Reasons why I like this process better than the general discussion/argument over names and/or the skimming of baby name books:
  • You KNOW that you didn't miss any name that you LOVE and just didn't think of for whatever reason.
  • You have less arguments over a name that one of you loves but the other not so much.
  • You are working together, and it becomes a much more joyful process.
  • You don't accidentally name your daughter something that sounds pretty but means "valley of sorrow" or something similar (this happened to us, and we're big into meanings, so it got nixed)
So here are OUR names...announced at week 11 with our last pregnancy, but being used for the first time with this little Chicklet:

William Alexander LaPlant (William is Mike's middle name, and it means strong-willed warrior. Alexander means defender of the people.  Mike is a police officer, and so it seems very fitting for his son to have a name with that meaning.)
or
Amelia Sophia LaPlant (Amelia means determined and hard working and Sophia means wise.  Those are really the characteristics I'd most like my daughter to have, and I think the names sound beautiful together.)

We'd like the nicknames to be Mia or Will (Mike and I both HATE Willy, Bill, and Billy.)

Here are my thoughts on names in general....why is it cool to have weird names just for the sake of being weird?  Yes, it's nice to not be one of three Katies in your first grade class, but do you really want your child to be named Atiya?  Abass? LaRen?  Really??

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Go for launch!

Got my blood test results today.  We're a go for a May Chicklet!! :-)

Monday, September 6, 2010

I was hoping for a little more....

So we told my family today.  It seemed like a good opportunity.  Everyone was together for a Labor Day barbeque, and we were ready to share.

I did not get the response I was hoping for.  It's because the last pregnancy ended in miscarriage.  My whole family just acted very nonchalant about it.  No one really acted excited.  I think they were reserving their excitement in case something bad happens again.

I DON'T WANT MY PREGNANCY TO GO THAT WAY!!!

I'm SO happy.  I want to be happy about this baby.  I want other people, ESPECIALLY my family, to be excited about this baby.  I want to celebrate this child that I feel so blessed to have in my life right now.  I do NOT want to reserve my happiness or excitement.  If the worst happens again, which I hope to God it won't, I want to look back on the time I DID have with this child and see that I enjoyed every second out of it.  I KNOW how fleeting this kind of happiness can be, and I don't want to WASTE it on fears and worries.  I want to soak in happiness until my fingers get all pruny. 

So, yeah, not what I was looking for tonight.  Broke down in tears on the way home.  Trying to move on from being disappointed.  I don't want this disappointment to take away that happiness either.

Sunday, September 5, 2010

Emotionally messy

OK, I'm at 4 weeks on the nose...it REALLY should be too soon for me to have symptoms, but my emotions just came unhinged last night.  This didn't happen last time.   If I'm even the SLIGHTEST bit sad/upset/worried, I'm crying...like, half a breath away from sobbing, crying. 

What's the deal with that?!

Friday, September 3, 2010

Acceptance vs. Fear

So, I'm mostly accepted the fact that I'm pregnant.  Whoa.  Weird to write that. 

HOWEVER....

I can't quite shake my fear that this is going to turn chemical or end in an early miscarriage at any given second.  I'm focusing on relaxing and being as calm and non-stressed as possible...but MAN I want this.  I want this SO bad.  It's hard not to worry about it.

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Testing, testing

Taken many test in the last few days.  Not going to display the internet cheapies, but here's a series of first response tests.  The one on the right is from two days ago, the one in the center is from yesterday, and the one on the left is from today....notice how the line is getting darker??
 
This one here is also from this afternoon:
OK, I believe it now...however, I'm incredibly nervous about chemical pregnancy.  I'm hoping that I went through enough nonsense, and this baby I'll get to keep.

PS--MASSIVE back pain tonight.  Ow.  I'll take it though!  :-)

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Sooo....

Feeling REALLY good about this cycle.   :-)


I'm currently trying NOT to get my hopes up....I'd only be 3 weeks 2 days, so I don't want to believe it yet....but it looks good!  This was a FRER, not an internet cheapie test, so.....seriously, it looks good!

Monday, August 30, 2010

Over-testing as a coping mechanism

A friend recently helped me to realize the extent to which my over-testing is in fact a thinly veiled coping mechanism. Allow me to explain....

1.  I start testing at 4-5 dpo, which is ridiculous.  It's not even possible to get a positive that early.  It's simply not.  That means, when I see a big fat negative, it's not really a bad thing.  It's SUPPOSED to be negative.  In that was I allow myself to be OK with seeing negative tests.

2.  After 8dpo, the threshold at which I might actually see a positive, I start testing twice a day.  I'm not going to lie, sometimes I start two-a-days even earlier than that.  As I get closer to the definitive yes or no answer, I take twice as many tests, and see twice as many negatives.  It's almost as though I'm building up an immunity to disappointment.

3.  As I cross the threshold of 11-13 days post ovulation, the time in which I really SHOULD see something if there were something to see, I've seen so many negatives already that it's no big shock.  At the same time, each additional negative test brings my hope down just a little lower. 

4.  When AF actually rings the doorbell, I'm expecting it, because I've had 3,536 negative tests.  At that point, I'm almost GLAD that AF has shown up so that I can start on the next month, all fresh and shiny.

So you see, over-testing isn't just an addiction.  It's a (relatively) logical answer to depression and a coping mechanism for repeated failure to conceive. 

PS--am currently at 7.5 dpo, and am firmly on step two of the coping plan for this month.  I'm not going to lie, I'd really love to skip steps three and four. 

Saturday, August 28, 2010

Fighting bitterness

So, yet another of my friends has announced her pregnancy today.  I knew this one was coming, but it doesn't make seeing ultrasound pictures on facebook any easier.  She and her husband were trying for approximately three and a half minutes...or at least, that's the way it feels to me.  I'm having a hard time not being bitter at the apparent ease of her fertility.  What's the deal with us?  Why are we the ones who are dealing with all the struggles and seemingly endless disappointment?  Sometimes life really seems unfair.  Is it so wrong that I want to be someone's mother?

Thursday, August 26, 2010

Is it 8 days yet?

Currently at 4dpo....hating it.  The 2ww is always awful.  On the bright side, this one is going by slightly faster...since I'll be testing the week I have to go back to school, which I am dreading more than I'm looking forward to 8dpo, the strange time-warp that is my relative perception is going very quickly right now.  If I get a positive, I'll be more than happy to go back and teach, thank you. :-)

Tuesday, August 24, 2010

Last 2WW of the summer

Wow.  I'm now two days into my last two week wait of the summer.  Time flies by way too fast sometimes.  I plan to test for "real" starting on Monday, which puts me at 8 dpo...it'd be nice to start the school year off with a positive, so that I have something to look forward to.  *sigh(

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Am I old, or....

Just found out that a child for whom I used to babysit is having her first child this year.  How is that fair?  Am I really that old?  I'm only 28?!  I've been trying to have a baby for over a year now; she's just barely 21!  Ugh.  Kindof disgruntled about this whole shenanigans.

Saturday, August 21, 2010

Smiley #2!

I tried the internet cheapie ovulation sticks for a few months, and I never got a positive reading.  I was shooting in the dark....so to speak (I'm enjoying my own pun on that one a little too much!)

So last month I switched over to the clear blue easy digital OPKs and I LOVE them.  They're so much more clear than the ICs were, and they're actually POSITIVE!  I got my smiley face for the second month in a row today, which means I'll be ovulating in the next 12-36 (ish) hours! Yay!

That also means that I'll be at 10(ish) dpo on September 1st!  This is the anniversary of our engagement (4 years!) and it also happens to be the week BEFORE school starts!  How fabulous is that?!

Loving life right now. :-)

Friday, August 20, 2010

Thoughts on sperm

So I watched pieces of a documentary yesterday about sperm.  In order to get people to understand how arduous a sperm's journey is, they had men and women dressed in white standing in as mock sperm and running a super marathon through a mountain range/swamp/etc, which was meant to symbolize the rugged terrain of the vagina/cervix/etc.  Now, granted, I understand the importance of explaining to people how the spermtastic journey occurs.  I get that, I do.

That being said, the absurdity of this visual is beyond words.  Here's a screen shot of the "sperm" racing through the mountain range of the vagina...I kid you not.

 
I'm left torn by what my emotions should be with regards to sperm.  Should I feel bad for them as they participate in their epic journeys?  Should I be nervous because so many don't survive the quest?  Should I be pissed that my men and women in white pants-suits haven't seemed to make it across my mountain range yet?

This documentary (which was a good hour or so long) also did little to clear up confusion about when to have sex to optimize healthy white pants-suited people.  Wait too long, and your men and women are old and immobile.  You can't get a wheelchair through the mountain range.  Don't wait long enough and you'll release too few men and women.  It's like the Oregon Trail....the more settlers you take in your covered wagon, the more likely you'll get farther than Iowa.  I'm mixing my metaphors (or similes...but that's just the English teacher talking), but you get the point.

Can't I just buy the sperm a plane ticket or a hummer or something??

Thursday, August 19, 2010

General Thoughts on Whining

I'm going to start by acknowledging the irony of my ranting whine about people whining.  Yes, I realize I'm being hypocritical.   My bad.

Pregnant people need to stop whining to me about how much pregnancy sucks. Really?  You're going to try to tell me about how awful you have it?  Right, sure.  You have everything that I want in the world, and you want me to feel sorry for you because you threw up this morning?  Sorry babe, I'm just not that good natured.  I'm at the point where I would relish nausea and vomiting, I'd embrace weird cravings wholeheartedly, and I'd love to have swollen sausage fingers.  I went through three months of a rather rocky pregnancy...this is NOT a case of, "if she knew what it was 'really' like...." No, no....I know.  I'm at the point that I would do or accept just about anything in order to have a child.  If someone told me that for the next nine months I had to speak in rhyming sentences and only eat burned rye bread, I'd be all over it.  I've had over a year at this point to realize just how much I want to have a baby....and right now, how much I'd just like to be pregnant...so there's not much that I wouldn't take to have that.

Stop whining.

Wednesday, August 18, 2010

BD scheduling...

My husband is a police officer.  He loves his job, and I love that it makes him happy.  I have gotten pretty good at ignoring the danger element, and everything works out just fine. 

HOWEVER...

He works 4pm-2am.  I'm a teacher.  I work 7am-3:30pm.  Do the math.  Not a lot of overlap when we're both working.  Now, for the last three cycles, I've been on summer break, and it's been fabulous.  I just adjusted to his sleep schedule (hence me blogging at 3:30am) and we BD before we go to sleep like all the normal people do...it just happens to be at 3 or 4 in the morning. 

That being said, after this cycle I'm back to my normal work schedule, and then....

How does one justify to a classroom of teenagers (yeah, it's high school....that makes it worse, I think) why I look like death warmed over first thing in the morning for a solid week per month?!  "Sorry class, my husband woke me up at 3am so that we could have sex. Oh, and he's going to do it again tonight.  But don't worry, I'll be back to normal next week."

Tuesday, August 17, 2010

Ugh, really?

Having the worst heartburn right now.

So, I'm once again on the "Maybe I should test again...just in case...even though I had AF last week" train.  I think this is a large dose of delusion on my part...though I do have some wonky symptoms going on.  Massive heartburn.  Emotionally ridiculous and uncontrollably swinging.  Bloated like it's NOBODY'S business.  General feelings of nausea and ickyness. 

I'm just plain crazy.  *sigh*

I will say, though, that this is one of the lightest AFs I've ever had.  Weird.

Sunday, August 15, 2010

The start of cycle ten

I can't believe I'm on cycle ten already.  Wow.  I'm remembering that if I'd gotten pregnant at the beginning of this trying to concieve journey I would have a baby right now.  Seems a little crazy.

I've finally gotten a bit of my zen back this weekend.  The first day or two of AF were rough this cycle.  Once again, I drank the Kool-Aid and totally believed that this was it.  It wasn't.  That sucks.  I think that it was hard since it was on the exact same time table as last year, which would have been kindof cool.  It would have been nice to start on that same track at the same starting point.  Oh well, I guess it just wasn't the month. 

On to cycle ten.  I wouldn't mind having a May baby.  That's where I'd be if this were the month.  The nice thing about April and May is the transition into the summer on maternity leave.  I could handle that. 

Fingers crossed, yet again.

Monday, August 9, 2010

BFN...again

AF is bad in the best of circumstances.  AF at the beach, with my whole family around, and exactly one year after I got my first BFP is decidedly not the best of circumstances.

Friday, August 6, 2010

Decidedly grumpy

I quit.  No AF yet (not due until Monday at the EARLIEST...likely Tues or Wed), but I tested several times today and I got nothing.  Was it a fluke, or was it misread, or was it chemical, or will I get a positive tomorrow?  Bah.  I quit.

Thursday, August 5, 2010

A little frustrated...

So, OK, I have my abnormal hpt result...now, in EVERYTHING I've read, if it shows up in the time frame, WHATEVER it looks like, it's a good thing.  So I had SOMETHING...it wasn't the clearest of lines, but it was SOMETHING....and I posted it to my message board.

I was somewhat disappointed in the responses I got.  Rather than saying yes or no as to whether or not they saw something, most just said "test tomorrow with FMU".  Well DUH I'm going to test tomorrow with FMU....I test multiple times a day!  Of COURSE I'll be testing tomorrow morning.  The question was what do you think of THIS test today??  Tomorrow morning is HOURS away.  Bah.

Wanting to be cautiously hopeful and optimistic, and feeling defeated.  Bah.

No, no, I mean it this time....maaaaybe??

So, I'm pretty sure Tuesday's test was an evap line...I let it sit for too long...but on my third test for today I got this:
Maaaaaybe??  Maybe?  Panic.  Sheer panic.  Maybe?????

At this point I'm remembering getting one of these and having it turn into a chemical pregnancy...that was back in....what, February??  March??  I have no idea.

Maaaaaybe??

Wednesday, August 4, 2010

Feeling discouraged

So I tested again today and nothing...so I think it had to have been an evap line.  Damn.  I was pretty hopeful.  HOWEVER....I am only at 9 dpo today, so it's still super early.  Trying not to give up hope on this yet.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010

No, no, really....maaaaaybe??

So, since I'm currently 8-9 dpo, I'm currently taking 2 tests a day...just in case. 

I decide to take one this afternoon at about 4, then I jump in the shower, completely forgetting to check it.  So when I looked later, there was DEFINITELY something there.  Now, I left it for too long, so it could TOTALLY be an evap line....but maybe not?  I don't know!

I'm DESPERATE to test again, but I don't want to be disappointed.  I'm worried I'm getting my hopes up for no good reason. :-/

Monday, August 2, 2010

Maaaaaybe?

So, I'm at 6-7 dpo.  I got my smiley last Sunday morning, and it's supposed to be 12-36 hours after that.

So, last night, I go to the bathroom (if you have issues with TMI, stop reading here...if you don't, don't blame me if you don't like it!).  When I wiped my normal cm looked wierd and orange.  Not in a bloody orange color...orange like the blogspot logo orange.  So I wipe again...the orange went away.  I think nothing of it.  Later that night, I went again, and THIS time it's brown...as in the color brown that I get at the very end or very beginning of AF...but it's too early for AF.

Implantation bleeding?!  Anyone?!  Maybe?!

Last time I didn't notice any ib, but last time I was on the pill, we weren't trying, and I highly doubt that I would have noticed anything if there was anything...if it was faint and vague like this, I'm sure I'd have just blown it off.  So what is it?!

I'm torn about whether or  not to talk to Mike about it.  On the one hand, I really really don't want to get his hopes up if I'm wrong.  I love it when he's positive and optimistic, but I hate telling him it's a no with a passion, especially when he's positive and optimistic.  On the other hand...what if it is?!  Don't I want to give him this hope so that these next few days seem a little brighter?  Shouldn't we be celebrating what could be? 

So torn...

As a side note, as I'm leaving for a week at the beach on Saturday, I would REALLY appreciate getting my BFP...AF on a good day really sucks, but AF at the beach is a major bummer.

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I hope 25 is enough...

So, I'm now 3-4dpo (since I got my smiley on Sunday morning, I O'ed either Sunday or Monday).  I ordered 25 of the internet cheapie tests...the kind that basically look like the ph balance strips you used in high school chemistry.  I've said it before, so let me say it again...I want to know as soon as it is physically possible to know.  This means that, though it's not even really possible to get a positive test until at LEAST 8dpo, I test AT LEAST once a day from day 3 on.  Just in case.  This is apparently my mantra.  I had a sharp pain on my lower left side on Tuesday night, and a part of me thought, "hmm...maybe it's implantation!"  Yeah right.  Even if I O'ed on Sunday afternoon, there's no WAY that there could be implantation on Tuesday...all the research says 5-8 days!!  So, yeah, I'm a goober.  So, I have my 25 strips...I really hope it's enough to last me through this cycle!  I have 23 left as of right now........

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ooh, thats new and different!

I finally got a positive OPK!  That means I'll be ovulating in the next day or two.  Woo hoo!  I've NEVER gotten a positive OPK...I always miss it!  This also means that my body's pretty well on track for this cycle, because tomorrow's the two week mark, which is when your body is "supposed to" ovulate.  Yay!  I'm excited that I actually KNOW.  How cool is that!?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wishes

While at the cabin, I made a lot of wishes.  First, since there was no light polution, we could see all the stars...including three shooting ones.  Second, we saw about a million butterflies...and if a butterfly crosses your path it's good luck...so I made a wish on about 20 butterflies, too.  Third, Mike lost two eyelashes while in the jacuzzi...so we each made a wish on those, and I got them...you know, you squeeze the eyelash between your finger and someone else's finger, and whoever the eyelash sticks to gets a wish.  I won.

So how many times do I have to wish for something to make it come true?  Every time I made a wish, I had a mental picture of what I wanted...and it was really nice...so here's hoping that I'm one wish over the line.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sprinting at the start of the race...

So, Mike and I rented a "cabin" (hot tub, jacuzzi, beautiful views....not in the slightest bit rustic) in the mountains for a few days this week.  We got to take our dog with us, and we totally enjoyed just being together...watching movies, playing games, sitting in the hot tub, and....yeah.  So, there was a lot of baby-dancing practice going on.  Lots of fun, but...I'm now coming up on my ovulation time for the month...and I'm exhausted!  I feel like I just sprinted the first two miles of a marathon, and the rest of the race is INCREDIBLY daunting right now.

On the bright side, I got a head start...so we'll see how that whole thing works out!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Concerned

One of my close friends is planning on TTC in the near future...another month or two.  I'm a little concerned that she'll be one of those first month trying people, and, if so, I might not handle it well.  I've never been a particularly patient person, especially when it's something that I want badly...and the only thing I've ever wanted as much as this was to marry Mike. 

Now, in retrospect, the YEARS I spent waiting for Mike to ask me to marry him don't seem that bad.  Our life together is really happy, and we just GET each other.  It makes sense.  It's been three years since we got married, and already the time before seems really distant and fuzzy...I'm hoping that TTC will be the same way...I really hope that, when (yes, when) we have a baby, all of this pain and heartache and exhaustion and frustration will all fade in the happiness and fulfillment that is being a parent.  I've got a lot of love that I want to share.

We're currently at the start of cycle nine.  One of my friends on the message boards said this is third time's the charm times three, so it's even luckier...I really hope she's right.  Again, I'm at the point that, if this IS our month, I'll be on EXACTLY the same time table that I was last year.  I'd be due within 2 days of my edd from the last time.  I don't know if that's good or bad...I think I would seriously freak out, come October...and, God help us, if anything bad happened again....just, wow.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

TLC show...really?

So I was watching TLC at 1am again...and they had a show on called "I'm pregnant and addicted". This particular episode was about a woman who was on methadone and 36 weeks pregnant. She said, "We were gonna wait until after I got offa the methadone, but, we weren't preventing, so...?"

OK, really??

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All things considered...

The worst part about the repeated BFNs is telling Mike about it. I HATE that I have to be the bearer of bad news over and over again. I just feel like I'm disappointing him. It's getting to the point that the telling of it is worse than the actual event itself. I know I'll eventually get my BFP. Well, maybe "know" is a little strong...but I'm pretty confident.

This month wasn't so bad, though. I told Mike it was a no for this cycle, and he was ok about it. We immediately started making plans for this month. We're going to try to work on self improvement in general starting this month...from cleaning and organizing, to correcting bad habits, to getting healthier...we spent an hour or two making a list of reasonable goals that have tangible rewards. I'm actually excited about it. It also doesn't hurt that we're going to be going to a cabin for three days during the BD marathon this cycle, so it won't be same old, same old all over again.

I'm actually cautiously optimistic, which is VERY early in the cycle for me. It's a good day...all things considered.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yeah, not so much.

So, that's it for cycle 8. Damn it. Both Mike and I really felt like this was it...it just seemed RIGHT. I guess not. So, if it happens in cycle 9, according to all the due date calculators I'll be due LITERALLY the same day as I was due the last time...I swear, fate is just laughing at me. Oh well. Fingers crossed for cycle 9. Ready, set, go.

Not feeling well...good or bad?

Still waiting, currently on CD30. Last 3 days I've felt really bad at night...nauseous, heartburn, rumbly...and I don't know whether or not to be happy about this. If I get my BFP, I welcome symptoms like these with open arms. Last time I had few symptoms, except for a craving/aversion combo (I craved one thing and had extreme aversion to anything else except that one thing...and it changed every hour or two.) I'd love to have the traditional morning (or night, in this case) sickness, the sore boobies (I have that, too), the heartburn...it'd help to convince me that it's real...that is, IF it's real. I'm concerned right now that it's NOT real, and I'm therefore just sick. Is it stress? Anxiety? Too many of the seasonal cherries? A product of my recent brie obsession?? I've been checking myself, and my cervix is still nice and closed, not like it is before AF. I also read an article that said only about 40% of women actually get their BFPs before their missed periods...and my last cycle was 30 days, so...fingers crossed? I hope I can be happy about my heartburn tomorrow.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I'll take that as a maybe.

I am not good about talking about these things with my husband. Therefore, when AF comes, I just say "It's a no for this month." I don't need to tell him the details. So, in theory, if I was on a 28 day cycle, I'd be getting AF tomorrow...I tested tonight, as is my norm, and I got the best maybe-sorta-shadow-of-a-possible-line-if-I-squint-my-eyes that I've gotten since the chemical that we had four or five months ago. So, as I told my husband, "It's a maybe for this month." I'd been getting down on this month over the last couple of days, but now I'm back to cautiously optimistic...I hope that's a good thing...it's suck if that optimism bit the dust tomorrow.

Friday, July 9, 2010

God's answer to my petition??

So, today was an interesting day. It was apparently pregnant women's day at the grocery store this morning. I was going to a party tonight, and I needed to buy stuff to make a fruit salad. I've never seen so many pregnant women in one place at once....and anyone NOT pregnant had an infant or toddler with them. What's the deal??

So then I go to the party tonight...and Sophie's there. For anyone who's not up with the blog, Sophie is a month old baby whose mother announced her pregnancy at the same time as me last September, when she was one month in and I was 2.5 months in. Sophie's been my ghost...it's like watching the child that would have been...she's even half Asian like my Seamonkey was. Anyways, so Sophie's there. Hadn't met her before.

I was doing ok, and even holding my own better than I thought I would (safely across the party from Sophie), when someone who knows my history said something to me...it was little, and it was meant to be supportive, but it cut through my tenuous hold on control like a hot knife through butter. So I excused myself to the bathroom before anyone noticed...except for the person who said the thing in the first place...to calm myself down before I got really upset and/or started crying. And then she FOLLOWED ME. OK, really? Obviously saying something to me didn't work out so well, so you're really going to follow me to the bathroom and make me talk about it more while locked in a small room?! So, yeah, I started crying, and it was stupid and made me feel like an idiot...I'm glad no one else noticed (I hope). I hung out in the bathroom until my eyes stopped being red.

So, God, was this the answer to my petition? If so, what was it? Were you saying that you're mad at me and that you want me to suffer? Were you showing me hope through the pregnant women and Sophie? Were you trying to make me break down the walls I'm building around my emotional swamp? Or was it all just coincidence? Please, God, can I have a baby now?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Petition to God.

So, I was reading Eat, Pray, Love for my book club last week, and there was a piece about writing a petition to God, then mentally asking everyone to sign it. At the time when I read this I thought it was silly...now, as it gets closer to the end of cycle 8, I find myself doing it....so here's my petition to God. Feel free to sign it. Most of the people I know have already signed it in my head, but hey, every little bit helps!

Dear God,
I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I know I haven't always been the best person that I can be. I'm sorry for that. I know I've asked for a lot of things over the years, some important and some not. I don't know why you wanted me to go through what we went through, or why you chose to take our seamonkey from us. I was mad at you about that for a long time. Now I'm just tired, and I'm starting to lose faith. I don't want to do that, God.
I want to be a mother. I want to make Mike a father. I want to share this love that we have with a new life. I know that we will make mistakes as parents, and I know that it's hard, but please just give us a chance. We have so much love to share. I want so badly to feel his child growing inside me, to feel special, to share happiness. This thing that I want will bring happiness to many people, God, so please, help us.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
me

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Feeling pessimistic...wait, I have time!!

So, a part of my process in this whole thing is that I test early, and I test often, and the closer we get to AF, the less hope I have. That way, when AF shows, my hope is already diminished, so I'm not as crushed as I would otherwise be. OK, AF isn't due until Sunday, which makes today six days before my missed period, but for some reason today has made me kindof pessimistic. I don't want to be pessimistic yet! I've had REALLY good feelings about this month, plus the psychic said it was this month (not that I believe in that, but still...), and....I'm just READY. I don't WANT to be pessimistic yet! :-(

Monday, July 5, 2010

Mind games, take 8.

You would think I'd learn. No, no, no. I'm just not that fast of a learner. Here I am, a week from AF, and I'm starting the mind games with myself again. I'm testing twice a day using the el cheapo tests, and I'm staring at each of them for a good five minutes...just in case. My idiotic optimism is once again overriding my good sense, and I keep thinking this is the time, the line will be there, I swear there's a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a line...or maybe it really is just a shadow, let me move to better light....but this light is coming through a screen, so is that a shadow or a line...

Hopefully the eighth take will be the best one, and we can put this film to print. Oy.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

New tests

So I just got some more tests in the mail....I ordered 25 for $20...I'm going to attempt to limit myself to two a day, which would then make them last until the day AFTER AF is supposed to get here. I really strongly feel like I Oed on Thursday or Friday of last week, which means I SHOULD be able to get a positive test (if it's a go for this month) within the next week or so. We'll see how that goes.

I have a really good feeling about this month. First, the psychic said so. There's this psychic that all the women on my message boards use, and she said we'd find out July from a cycle that started in June...so here goes! I just hope she meant this year!! Also, after this one particular BDing session while in Atlantic City, I suddenly got very calm and very centered, and I remember thinking, "That was it. In nine months, I'm going to have a baby. This was the one." That's never happened before...I really hope it's right! I'm REALLY ready for some good news.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

I forgot to smile!

I bought the digital opks this month...simple right? When you are about to O, the digital test has a little smiley face on it....the other days it's just an empty circle. HOWEVER...

I went to Atlantic City this week. Lots of fun, and I think Mike and I needed it to reconnect....the sex-pressure doesn't feel so strong this month...THANK GOD....BUT it totally messed up my schedule, so I didn't test at the right times and I drank way too much caffeine, which could mess up my results...so now I'm worried I may have missed my smiley. There was still plenty of BDing to go around, so it I DID O, I didn't miss it....but now I have no idea if I should keep testing or not. Should I save my surplus tests for next month when I'm not so distracted, or should I keep testing "just in case".....What IS it with me and "just in case"???

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Cycle 8 BD Commencing...

So it's about that time again...the OPKs still say no...I caved and bought the digital ones with the smiley face...but it's time to start regardless...just in case.

We're leaving for Atlantic City tomorrow...this seems like deja vu. Check out my blog entry here to see why. Last time my luck took a vacation all together...this time, I would like either a major jackpot or a baby please. How big of a good luck charm do I need?

Sunday, June 20, 2010

Thoughts on Father's Day

It's Father's Day today. Mother's Day was decidedly difficult for me. I kept thinking about the child I wanted to have in my arms, not just in my heart, and it made me very sad that NO ONE saw me as a mother, though I have an angel baby somewhere out there. So now it's Father's Day...and I want to feel that same anger for Mike. He should be a father right now. His child should be breathing and smiling in his arms today, and it's not. At the same time, I know that he doesn't want to make it a big deal, so I've held back...I wanted to get him a card and acknowledge him as the father of my children (past and future...no present), but he doesn't want that. So I say it here: On this Father's Day, I want to thank my husband for being the father I needed him to be in times past, and I want to thank him for the hope he gives me of seeing him be the amazing father he can be in the future. Happy Father's Day MooBear.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Message board addict

I've been a fan of the whattoexpect.com message boards since I started this whole process in August...first I was on the "Due April 2010" board, then the "Grief and Loss" board, and now "Trying to Conceive".

My addiction to these message boards is getting worse. For the first two boards, I never actually had a signature...it seemed too complicated, and I didn't want to bother. I now have a banner for the "Green Girls" (girls who POAS the same week as me), an anniversary ticker, a cycle ticker, two stickers (1 TTC after loss and 1 police wife), a pikistrip (row of fun pictures), AND a link to my blog. It's getting obnoxious. Not only that, but I started this month's Green Girls thread, so I'm the one making and updating the banner....this is getting serious.

Monday, June 14, 2010

Well that's different.

So a weird version of AF came last night...watery as all get out and bright pinky/orange rather than red. Weird. I also tested this morning "just in case" (again, I'm a fan of just in case...) using a brand of test I don't usually use, and I got a weird result that I don't quite know how to interpret...it's just weird. Why can't anything ever just be clear? Do I have to second-guess this entire process?!

Ah...there it is.

So, apparently I just had a 30 day cycle for no apparent reason. Still planning to test tomorrow, just in case (I'm a big fan of just in case), but at least I know what the deal is now. On to cycle 8...I grow tired of this activity.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Still...

Still nothing.
Still frustrated.
Still waiting.
Still trying to be pessimistic.
Still fighting hope.
Still on cycle 7...30 days later.

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Now what?

So, after the mc, my cycles wandered from 3 to 5 weeks in length...but the last three have all been EXACTLY 28 days, even starting at the same TIME of day in exactly the same way....ok, it's the 28th day...now what? I've been testing every single morning...BIG no every time. So I accepted the inevitable, "OK, this isn't the month...let's move on." ...and no AF. Unfortunately, this gives me undue hope, and I know that when she eventually DOES rear her ugly head, I'll be more crushed than I would have been if she'd just shown up on time. Hope, in this case, is not a good thing.

That's reason #2 of why I test early...there's a time between 3 days before AF and 2 days before AF when my hope starts to dim. Every negative just brings it down a little bit more...it gets to the point that, when AF does actually show, it's almost a relief. It means that I get to try again. I need that hope to fade so that I'm not CRUSHED...and being late just gets my hopes up. Not good....because I start thinking about last time. Last time, I didn't test until 5 days AFTER my period was due...I was on birth control, so it didn't really SERIOUSLY cross my mind until four days later...and then I waited another day, just in case. So then I start thinking to myself...maybe it just takes a long time for the HCG to work its way from my blood to my urine...maybe I'm just one of those people who has a harder time with the POAS tests...maybe tomorrow will be my positive...maybe a lot of things.

...trying VERY hard to be pessimistic. I need to protect myself.

Tuesday, June 8, 2010

How many and how much?

I was one of those people who watched Titanic in the theater several (read:many) times. Whenever I told someone the exact number, they always wanted to try to figure out either how long I sat in the theater, or how much money I spent on tickets...

So now for the conception version of this party game. It's called "How many and how much?" I'm on my 7th cycle...for each cycle, I've gone through 15-40 internet cheapies, worth approximately $.50 each. I also have taken at LEAST two FRER tests with each cycle, worth $4-5 each. With my cycle that turned chemical, I think I went through about 15 FRERs...not good.

Numbers first:

averaging 25 ICs/cycle x 7 cycles = 175 ICs
averaging 2 FRERs/cycle x 7 cycles = 14 FRERs
additional FRERs (cycle 3) = 12
Approximate number of tests taken = 200


Cost second:

175 ICs x $.50 = $62.50
26 FRERs x $4.50 = $117
Approximate total cost = $180

...wow.

Sunday, June 6, 2010

I should probably feel guilty about that...

I had brunch with some friends today, and mimosas were the drink of the day. Now, I'm at about 10-11 (ish) dpo, and it's possible to be preggo at this point and still be testing negative...I should probably feel guilty about drinking today...but I don't. You see, I'm usually, by the end of a cycle, feeling like a moron because I cut back on all the bad stuff "just in case" when there was no case...so, if all my friends were going to have mimosas, I was going to have mimosas too!

There's a part of me that's kindof goading fate...like, haha fate, you won't let me get knocked up, I'm going to drink...so spite me by giving me a baby! Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, so I suppose that'll have to do!

Friday, June 4, 2010

A List of Imagined Symptoms

1. My nose...it's suddenly good again. That was one of my most pronounced pregnancy symptoms the first time around. I stuck my head in my husband's office this afternoon, and I could smell his cologne PAINFULLY clearly...did I mention that he's exceedingly stingy with cologne?
2. My chest...it doesn't HURT exactly...but that's not normal. Seriously.
3. Cramps...it's 3-4 days early to be AF cramps, and it's actually supposed to be a GOOD sign this early.
4. TIRED. Took a 3 hour nap on Tuesday, sleep-walked through most of Wednesday, and went to bed at 9 last night. Am currently exhausted.
5. TMI, but take my word for it, it's a good sign.

So, am I imagining things again? Probably. But at least I care again! Haven't cared too much in the last cycle and a half!
:-)

Wednesday, June 2, 2010

I think I'm just lazy...

So yesterday after school (teacher, not student), I lay on my couch to read for a few minutes, and I fell asleep for about three hours. There's a part of me that wants to count that (and the cookie dough that was my dinner) as an exceedingly early pregnancy symptom...I can't even legitimately test for another week or so...so, yeah, right.

I think I'm just lazy. This happens to me every month. I get psycho-somatic symptoms for pregnancies that don't exist. I'm extra tired and take a nap (that's just lazy), or I have a craving for cookie dough/salsa/cheese/whatever (I'm just piggy), or my chest hurts (from chest presses with free weights and/or from poking myself to see if I'm sore)....all kinds of fictional nonsense.

The two-week-wait is a killer. The mind can play all kinds of tricks on you if you're looking for signs that don't exist.

*sigh*

Monday, May 31, 2010

Coping strategy #2...that's not good.

So, as the photos of the not-my-baby proliferate on facebook, I've come up with a second strategy to cope with my emotions...cookie dough. That can't be good. Luckily, strategy #1 is working out, so the two strategies somewhat negate one another.

*sigh* I'm an idiot. Testing in a week. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Already...

Someone needs to explain to me how I justify the wasted money of testing so early every month. OK, granted, I only spend $1 per test, but it's only 3 dpo, and I'm already testing. Every day. Not only that, I actually test a few days after AF...just in case. I read an article once about how very few women have implantation bleeding that is very similar to a normal AF, so I test for that, too...just in case.

Who does that?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

That's because you're an idiot.

For whatever reason, I've been going through the last week thinking this cycle started on the 16th. It took me until five minutes ago when I realized I was off by two days! That doesn't seem like much, but two days of baby dancing makes a HUGE difference. I'm an idiot.

I also was just reading through some of my old entries, and I realized that I wandered between thinking this is cycle 7 or 8...ok, let's break it down.

Dec 7--First AF (stands for Aunt Frannie) after miscarriage
Dec 27--BFN on Cycle 1 (and all kinds of scariness which I may elaborate on at some point.)
Jan 17--BFN on Cycle 2
Feb 19--Chemical Pregnancy on Cycle 3
Mar 19--BFN on Cycle 4
April 16--BFN on Cycle 5
May 14--BFN on Cycle 6
June 11--We'll see about cycle 7

OK, so I'm on cycle 7. It'll be my 8th AF, but it's my 7th cycle of TTC. Good to know.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Things I needed today...

I love to watch The Biggest Loser when I work out. It motivates me. Also, while I am not THAT overweight, I have similar emotions as a LOT of what the contestants say when they're doing the quasi-breakdowns and soul searching...it's good.

Now, I watch these episodes on OnDemand (yay Fios), so I'm several episodes behind. Yeah, I know the finale was this week. Anyways, back in episode ONE of this season, when Stephanie said "I've never been in love..." (PS-I feel like I looked like Stephanie a bit, and I really really identified with her.) I decided that I wanted her to get together with Sam. BL is NOTORIOUS for matchmaking, as the contestants are all similarly focused and bond over their goals. So, when I watched Sam get kicked off tonight, and they're doing the where are they now segment, Sam and Stephanie are living together in LA! How wonderful is that??

I really needed this today. When I saw the post about Sophie's birth, and I totally spiraled from zen to dark abyss, I wasn't able to pull myself out of it by myself. I'm really happy that I was able to find a way out of it through sweat (did I mention that I was working out for the entire hour and forty-five minutes of the show?) and happy endings.

...still very jealous, still want my OWN baby, and still very sad about what I lost, but I've gotten a little zen back.

Not so zen today.

I saw on facebook today that Sophie is either in the process of being or recently was born. Not feeling particularly zen about it. My heart hurts.

I'm finding it very hard that I can't talk to anyone about these feelings that I have. I just want someone to cry with.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends...because they're all her friends too, and they all want to be happy for baby Sophie and her mama. I want to be happy for them, too, but it hurts too much right now.

I can't talk to my husband about it, because when I talk about being sad with him, it makes him more sad, which makes me feel worse...and it spirals down from there.

I can't talk to my family, because I haven't talked to my family about any of this since the miscarriage back in October.

I feel completely and utterly alone in my heartbreak. I haven't felt this empty for a few months now. It's hard. I wish I wasn't broken.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Articles I like

I think, when and if anyone else tells me to just stop trying so hard, I'm going to refer them to this article:

Trying Too Hard

I wish I'd been able to forward this article to my friends and family back in October. People say stupid things.

Is that really necessary?

So, I'm inexplicably watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on Lifetime today...and I see about 72 commercials for "The Pregnancy Pact"...a movie about 15(ish) teenage girls who make a pact to all get pregnant at the same time. You know what's the most annoying thing about these commercials? After the third time seeing it, I found myself compelled to yell at the screen "It's not that damn easy to get pregnant!!" on each subsequent viewing. I mean, really, how did ALL those teenage girls manage to actually get pregnant that quickly and at the same time?! I've been trying for 3/4 of a year!

That's just inconvenient...

My husband is on a canoe trip with some of his friends today/tonight. He left early this morning, and will return sometime tomorrow afternoon. Now, I am NOT a clingy wife that wants "my man" around all the time. No, no, not at all...

HOWEVER

I failed to do the math prior to OKing this trip...because I ovulate this week. The goal is to "baby dance" once a day, every day during the week I "O". Now I've missed a day accidentally, and I know that if this month's a no, I'm going to wonder if it's because of this trip.

That's just plain inconvenient!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Apprehensions

My belly buddy is due any day now. There was a friend of mine who announced her pregnancy to our friends at the same time as me. She was just over a month behind me, but her pregnancy has progressed smoothly. Baby Sophie could arrive at any given moment. I am apprehensive about how I'll feel about this.

I had a really hard time seeing her in the months following my miscarriage. I sent her an email in February(ish) saying that I know I've been distant, but that I really was just happy for her...and that I was sorry if my sadness for myself made it hard to see that. I went to her baby shower (which was the weekend before what would have been my due date) last month, and I did ok...though I had to go outside at one point for a mini-breakdown...

So how will I feel when Sophie actually arrives? How will I feel when pictures of her are posted on facebook? How will I feel when all of our mutual friends are gushing about her? How will I feel when no one remembers that my arms are empty and that it's still hard for me?

I really want to be happy for Sophie's arrival...but I'm scared that I'm not strong enough for that. I know it's incredibly selfish...but I still hurt sometimes. This is really hard, and I don't know how I'll react to some things, and that unpredictability makes me very apprehensive.

I really want to be a mother, too.

Hmm...

So, for whatever reason, I felt compelled to become more active on the message boards again today. I hadn't been checking them much recently. My reactions to them are surprising me. It used to be that I turned to the boards when I was upset...when I wanted to share something I was thinking or feeling with other people who knew what I was going through...without judgment. Now...I don't know. I'm reading through people's stories...and I don't feel the need to cry. That's an unusual reaction from me.

Some people will think this is a good thing...it feels too weird to be good. It feels more like I'm numb, which doesn't make sense. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do right now.

I'm starting to feel like I can't get pregnant. I know that I WAS pregnant eight months ago (yup, it was that long ago) but I'm on my eighth cycle since then...and I think if I was to get a BFP this month I'd be more shocked than anything. I remember, back in August, when I found out about our first baby, I was in complete and total shock. I didn't believe it. I felt like I was lying when I told my family about it...I wasn't. When my husband mentioned something being "good for the baby" or "a symptom of pregnancy" I wanted to shush him, because it felt like it was make-believe...and now suddenly this whole trying to conceive process feels like make-believe, too. It's as though I'm a little girl playing with her dolls, not that I'm a grown, married woman. Have I lost faith in myself, or is this just how I was supposed to feel in the first place?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Don't really care...that's just weird.

Ever since mother's day (and strike number 7), I suddenly find myself not really caring. That's not true. It's not that I don't care, it's that it's not on the forefront of my mind. I haven't been temping. I'm not going within 10 feet of an ovulation stick. I really just am not thinking about it.

Here's the glitch: I can't decide if this is good or bad.

Good: I'm not as sad or emotional about it so far this month. I'm better able to handle the pregnant people and babies I see in my day to day life. My sex life is less stressed.

Bad: What if I'm missing something because I'm not paying attention? What if it ends up taking us longer since I'm not monitoring my ovulation days? Does this mean that I'm less excited as well?

*shrug* At least I'm not sad.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My new (proverbial) take on this process...we'll see how long it lasts.

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.

I'm actually in a good mood today. I have a lot of love in my life, and I'm going to try very hard not to take if for granted. I think my husband and I have a wonderful relationship, and we are very truly happy together. For the moment, I'm appreciating that happiness and love, and I know that we'll have a baby sometime soon. In the meantime, Mike and I were sitting in bed this morning at 11 drinking coffee and watching funny movies...that's not a bad life.

Time to appreciate my feet.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Strike Seven

This is starting to feel increasingly hopeless...and if one more person who knows what's going on says either "If you stop trying, it will happen" or "It's just God's plan" I will throw the hissiest hissy fit anyone has ever seen.

Comment A-Please tell me how to stop trying for the thing I want more than anything in the world. Please tell me how to forget what I want so that I don't go crazy for weeks on end paying attention to every infinitesimal tweak and twinge within my body, wondering if it's working the way it's supposed to.

Comment B-It doesn't make me feel any better to think of a supposedly benevolent deity forcing all of this heartache. But hey, thanks for imposing your religious viewpoints on me...that was really what was missing from my life.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Drawing the line

There comes a point between testing way too early and getting close to my period at which I start becoming exceedingly pessimistic.  I feel like that line is very thin.  One day I'm feeling OK because it's still early, and the next day I've lost hope because I should have seen something by now. 

The first time I got pregnant, I didn't test until five days after my expected period.  That's what you get when it's a total and complete surprise.  The nice thing about it was that there was no guessing.  I looked, and I saw two equally dark and clear lines. 

If I had self control, I'd wait until after my period is supposed to come to test...then I wouldn't have to draw the thin line between blind optimism and complete and total pessimism.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why is God mad at me?

So, my sister got married this weekend.  I was already somewhat upset about Mother's Day, but I was looking forward to using my photography addiction for good (for once).

So then we get there, and one of my sister's friends brought her three week old baby.  Do the math.  My baby would have been three weeks old, had the miscarriage not happened.  OK, so that sucks. 

I was doing OK for the most part...photography is my new coping mechanism...but it was lurking.  It wasn't so much just that it was a baby, though I haven't been doing well with infants recently.  It was that it was a baby who was the same age that my child would have been--at MY family's wedding--being present for something that's a big deal for my family--bringing happiness that I don't have..  It's hard to explain.

I got a little teary just ONCE for about 30 seconds, and I hid it as best I could.  I didn't want people to know.  Sad looks and talking about it is just too hard for me.  I hate pity.  A lot.  Unfortunately, my mom noticed.  This made her upset.  Then my family noticed that she was upset.  So they asked her why.  She told them.  I then kept hearing whispers and getting pity looks and getting HUGS, for crying out loud, from a woman I hadn't even met before!  It was then close to impossible for me to feel in control.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I also ended up sitting between two infants on the plane ride home...on Mother's Day...

So, really, what did I do to annoy God?  I know we don't get more than we can handle...but I think I'm getting a little too close!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My addiction is back in full force...

My POAS addiction is rearing its ugly head.  I only ordered five tests at the start of this month, because I promised myself that I was going to be a good, patient little girl...and I went through those tests within 7 days of ovulation and then ordered ten more.  It's a really good thing they only cost about $1 each...though I did buy a few of the First Response tests for just in case for later.  While the cheap internet versions satisfy my need to test, I don't know that I would actually trust the results.  I should probably stop and think about the futility of the process, considering this, but I choose not to.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Staying positive is hard...

We're currently on our sixth cycle of actively trying to concieve.  With each passing cycle it's harder and harder not to get my hopes up, and it's also harder and harder to deal with the disappointment. 

I just realized for the first time last night exactly how jaded my poor husband is becoming about the whole process.  Ever since the miscarriage, I've had a hard time dealing with my emotions related to this process, children, pregnancies, etc.  There has not been one single day that has gone by in the last seven months that I haven't felt emotional upheaval and/or pain as a result of something seemingly insignificant to everyone else.  My husband has been very good and strong in dealing with me and his own emotions, but the more months that go by with no luck, the harder it is becoming for him to put on a strong face for me.

I don't slide as badly into darkness as I did for the first month or so after it happened, but I'm still reminded more frequently than people can imagine or what exactly it is that I've lost.  When I see a pregnant woman...a child with his or her parents...a car seat in a grocery cart...baby clothes at Target...the calendar reminding me that I should have a baby in my arms right now...my former guest room, currently a cheery yellow with cartoonish animals in preparation for the baby that doesn't exist anymore...a commercial for Disney World...

It's really quite difficult to stay positive and upbeat about trying to have a baby when I feel so weighted down still with what SHOULD have been. 

I do have one thing to be thankful for...many people on grief and loss message boards write about how one pregnancy doesn't replace another and how one healthy child doesn't erase the loss of the other who was lost.  I believe, however, that the spirit and soul of the child I carried is the spirit and soul of the child I'm meant to have. When I lost that child, that spirit and soul went somewhere safe, and it's waiting to be provided a new home. I truly believe that, when we do finally have a child (I force myself to write "when" and not "if"),  the child I'm meant to have will come back to me....I have to believe this for my sanity.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I probably wouldn't have either...

So, tonight my family celebrated Mother's Day, a week early.  The reason for this is that my sister is getting married in Texas next Saturday, so most of us will be in airports and cars and such on Sunday. 

There was a part of me, a much bigger part than I realized, that fully expected ONE of my family members to acknowledge that I was a mother this year.  Unfortunately there is no card for mothers of angel babies (again, that's what they call it in miscarriage land).  It was hard. 

I know that it's more than likely that they just don't see what happened to me as a piece of motherhood.  The difficult part is, since I DO see myself that way, their lack of acknowledgement feels somehow like a personal slight.  I know it's not, and I know that, if I said something, they would be very supportive.  The problem with that is, if I said something, the point is lost.  I wanted someone to see me as I see myself...as a mother of a child that didn't get a chance to live.  If they don't see me that way, them acknowledging me for being a mother because I said something feels more like it's being patronizing than that they really see me the way I see myself. 

Mike thinks it's because they don't want to risk upsetting me.  That's a sweet thing to say, but I don't believe him.  Yeah, it would upset me, and yeah, I would cry...but I want to have the opportunity to feel those emotions, rather than hiding the hurt I feel behind a camera...since photography of events like that has become my coping mechanism.

Friday, April 30, 2010

Dreams

My dreams have been getting increasingly weird and baby related.  It's starting to concern me a bit.  I think the weirdest one was the one where I was breast-feeding a child...but I was relatively sure that it wasn't my child.  I feel like I need to do some Freudian self-analysis on that one.

Tuesday, April 27, 2010

On again, off again

I was one of those people who completely gave up anything that could remotely be considered bad during pregnancy.  This included (but is not limited to) caffeine, alcohol, bean sprouts (weird, right?  apparently they carry parasites or some such thing), lunch meat, etc. etc. etc.

Well, for the last five months, I've been enjoying these things on a two week on again, off again system.  See, I enjoy whatever I want during the two weeks from the beginning of my cycle through ovulation, then I cut it out for the next two weeks...just in case...then I start over again.

The caffeine thing is the hardest one.  I always intend to not imbibe too freely, but then the coffee calls to me, or I stop at Wawa (my own personal temptation island) and I feel like a soda, or...whatever.  By the time I get to the end of the two weeks on, I have to suffer from a massive withdrawl headache for at least a full day. 

I'm an idiot.

Monday, April 26, 2010

Sleep.

So, my husband works nights.  The week around ovulation, therefore, is really tough on me.  He gets home at 2am, I get up at 5:30am...he therefore wakes me up, I'm awake for a bit (I'll leave out details.  I'm just not that person), and then I go back to sleep for an hour or two.  I cease to get solid sleep for about a week.  I know it's supposed to be a process that we enjoy (again, leaving out details), but the need to time things and our opposing schedules make things difficult.  It makes me very, very happy when he has days off....because then I don't have to worry about the schedule.  I know that in theory we should let it happen organically...but we've been ttc for 6 cycles now...so it's time to get serious. 

I just wish it didn't result in me not getting sleep!

Friday, April 23, 2010

Conception Math

Though it's only been six months, it's hard to remember what life was like before I gave a damn when I ovulate.  It used to be that I couldn't have cared less.  To be honest, the whole thing grossed me out a bit.  Not so much anymore. 

There are all kinds of ways to do conception math:

1) Ovulating for Dummies--so, if your cycle is 4 weeks, in theory you should ovulate approximately two weeks after the first day after your period.  this is the most simple version of conception math, and at the end of the four weeks you take a pregnancy test.  Unfortunately, this is kindof like when a car says it gets 32 miles per gallon...it's a nice theory, but don't expect to drive cross country on a tank of gas.

2)Ovulation Calculators--if you go to whattoexpect.com (my personal favorite) or pregnology.com or any other pregnancy related website, you can use their wierd math calculators that give you a window during which you might ovulate.  The problem with that is that it gives you a very vague window based on what most people's bodies do.  My body hasn't really acted normally in months.

3) OPK (Ovulation Prediction Kits)--an OPK, in theory, tests the amount of LH in your system.  LH is a hormone that "surges" (this is the popular TTC word) right before ovulation.  The OPK looks exactly like a home pregnancy test, but you can't just SEE a second line.  The second line has to be DARKER than the first in order for the test to be positive.  Once it's positive, you (in theory) will be ovulating within the next 48 hours.  Here's the issue...not everyone gets the same levels of LH surges, and so some people NEVER get a positive OPK.  I went through three cycles of OPKs with no positive results, but I know I ovulated based on options 4 and 5 coming up.  OPKs are also very expensive.  I use internet cheapies, and they're still a dollar a day.  Yes, I know I just said they didn't work well for me...that doesn't mean that I want to give up on them...just in case.

4) Temping--this is a fun one.  In theory, something about the hormone balace causes your basal body temperature to be cooler (by 1/2-1 degree) before ovulation than after ovulation.  This means, when your BBT rises significantly, you have ovulated.  Yay.  Here's the procedure:  you have to get at LEAST three hours sleep before taking your temperature, you have to take your temperature at the same time every day (meaning set the alarm on Saturday morning), and you can't get out of bed, talk, eat, or drink before taking your temps.  It's a pain in the ass.  Seriously.  It is, however, pretty effective.

5) The cervix--this is the TMI factor.  The cervix does all kinds of interesting things during each cycle.  It's position, texture, opening, and mucus consistancy and color all tell part of the story of your body.  I won't get into too much of the details here, but feel free to google cervix and ovulation together.

So here's how conception math works:  You need to know when you ovulate.  Think of this as the constant.  In addition, you need to BD (stands for "Baby Dance" in TTC message board lingo, which means sex.  I don't know why they don't just say sex.  Me having sex looks absolutely nothing like dancing.) in (estimated!) the three days before and during said ovulation.  The BDing is somewhat of the variable, as, while the egg can only really survive for a few hours after ovulation (seriously!!), the sperm can hang out up in there for hours and days.  It's a good idea to build up a nice wall-o-sperm for when the egg finally graces us with her presence.  The problem is, if you don't know when ovulation is, you don't know when to BD, and then you lose the sperm.  So you have to take the OPKs, and the temping, and the calculators, and the cervical mucus, and you have to try to put all that nonsense together somehow and figure out when the hell you're supposed to have sex during all of this.

Is there partial credit on this test??

Thursday, April 22, 2010

Mother's Day

I'm worried about getting through Mother's Day. 

It really upsets me that I don't count on Mother's Day...I feel like I should.  I know I was only mother to a child for three months...and many people would argue that I wasn't a mother at all...but I think I was.  I loved my child.  I still do.  Doesn't that count for something?

At the same time, I can't MAKE people recognize me as a mother...even the mother of an angel baby.  That defeats the purpose.  If people wouldn't naturally recognize me, it has no value.  I actually talked to my husband about it...he said (humoring me, I think, but I'll take it) that he agrees that I count as a mother, but doesn't think that it is something to be celebrated on Mother's Day, because it makes him sad.  I guess that makes sense...but it still makes me sad that I don't count.  My child existed...

He said we'd celebrate Mother's Day if we get pregnant before then...testing on Mother's Day morning would put me at 5 days before my next period, so I guess it's possible.  I doubt it though.  I thought God would cut me a break last cycle, and it didn't happen, so I'm really not getting my hopes up about this one.

*sigh*  It is what it is....I think I'd be a good mom, though.

Surviving the day

I've done much better today than I thought I would.  I really wanted to talk to someone about the fact that it's my would-have-been due date, and that I'm having a hard time, but I don't know what to say.  I honestly really want to just talk about the fact that I'm sad and cry, but people always want to say something to make me feel better.

There is no way to make me feel better today.  Saying "It'll happen when it's meant to happen" or "Everything happens for a reason" or "Just stay positive" really doesn't help me.  I get it.  I know all that.  It doesn't change the fact that I just want to be sad about it right now.  It's not that I "lost the pregnancy"...I lost a child.  I had a child, for a very short time, and it died.  Am I not allowed to mourn that child's loss? Let me be sad, damn it.  I know it's been six months, but today was the day I was supposed to meet that child.

So I haven't really gotten to talk about what I'm going through today.  Most people don't even realize today means anything to me.  I guess it's probably better that way.  So, possibly fictional people reading my blog, I'll send my sadness out to you.  It's nice to just be sad to someone...even if no one reads this....so thanks.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

Days I have been dreading

So, tomorrow was supposed to be my due date.  Awesome.

I feel a bit like God is a vindictive little kid with a magnifying glass, and I'm the ant he's presently burning.

OK, that's probably melodramatic.  I know there are people out there with much worse things going on in their lives...but this is really hard.  If you haven't gone through it, you have no idea.  I sort of feel like my body is just inexplicably messed up. Bah.

...I've been dreading tomorrow.

Saturday, April 17, 2010

Harder than I thought it would be...and I thought it would be hard...

So, back before the big m.c., I had a belly buddy...a girl preggo at the same time as me due around the same time as me.  Awesome right?  Well, then October happened, and just when I let my guard down when we hit the second trimester, we lost our Seamonkey. 

So today was my belly buddy's shower.  Oh my God, was that hard.  I mean, I knew it would be.  Don't get me wrong...I'm totally happy for her, and I harbor no ill-will for anyone...but it's impossible not to be jealous.  I sat there, smiling, watching her open present after present, and I just kept thinking about what I would have registered for, and what my child would have looked like in that onesie, and what I would look like with the big round belly....Forcing happiness when it hurts so much is exhausting.

This girl has been my reminder of what would have been....when she found out it was a girl, I would have been finding out gender, too.  When she felt the baby move, I would have felt the baby move.  When she...well, you get the idea.

So, yeah.  Today was hard.  It doesn't help that my due date (would-have-been) is this Thursday and I just found out that we didn't get pregnant this month.  I really thought, honestly, that, with this baby shower, and my due date coming up, and mother's day this month, too, that God would cut me a break.  We've been actively trying to concieve for five cycles now, and I really thought this would be it.  God wouldn't make me go through all these hard days without a rainbow to hold on to.  Well, apparently I was wrong.

At least I have a few friends who understand that I'm hurting and are trying to help me out.  Quick shout-outs to Jess and Liz.  Jess gave me an out during the shower by asking me to go out with her to get something from her car.  I needed a few minutes alone to cry and hurt and not pretend to be happy...Thanks for that.  Liz drove with me so that I had someone to talk to....without judgement...Thanks for that.

Today was hard.  Trying to concieve sucks.

So, not so much

So, the day before I have to go to the baby shower of a girl who was due the month after me, the week before my would-have-been due date, and my last chance to get pregnant before mother's day....big fat no.  Trying to concieve really sucks.

So now I'm getting ready to go to a baby shower.  Trying to remember to breathe.  I'm really scared that I won't be able to hold myself together.  Someone suggested that I not go...but I don't want to be that person.

Deep breaths...

Deep breaths...

Deep breaths....

...dammit.

Wednesday, April 14, 2010

Hoping my luck was displaced

So, over spring break (I'm a teacher, not a student), my husband and I went to Atlantic City.  We usually don't win a lot of money, but neither do we lose a lot of money...except for this trip.  I don't know what the deal was, but we couldn't seem to win to save our lives.  I'm hoping we just displaced our luck.  We were in AC around the big O for this month, so hopefully we weren't lucky at gambling, but....

....but I'm still waiting...and waiting...and waiting....

Last time I called the baby "Seamonkey", because that's what the pictures in the books looked like for how far along we were when we first found out.  This time, if it goes this month, I want to call it "Lucky".

Fingers, toes, and eyes are crossed.

Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Going cross-eyed

The closer I get to the day my period should start, the more I stare at each and every test.  About 1/3 of the time my mind puts a second line there.  Other times I'm tilting and turning the strips, taking apart the test if it's a real one and not an internet cheapie, and moving to different light.  This sucks. 

I'm now 10 days past ovulation...I'm getting to the time where I should see something...so do I see something, or am I just going cross-eyed and crazy.  Maybe both. *sigh*

My husband and I recently got the same fortune cookie when we had Chinese food (there were 3 other cookies with different fortunes that neither of us chose.)  "All your hard work will soon be rewarded."  I really hope so.  My would-have-been due date is next week.  Getting through it without my rainbow baby (that's what they call the child concieved after a miscarriage) would (not will, not yet) be really hard.

Here's hoping.  Waiting for "Lucky".

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

The waiting game.

There is a thing called the two week wait.  This refers to the two weeks between ovulation and when you can take a pregnancy test (or get your period).  It sucks.

Now, there are many theories about when one can actually take a pregnancy test.  Some women claim to have gotten a positive as soon as six or seven days after ovulation, which obviously cuts down on the two week wait concept.  Many websites (I've looked) contend that it's really close to impossible to get a positive that soon.  So, when to start?

It's stupid really...if one is pregnant, knowing about it one week sooner makes little to no difference.  It's not as though, if you don't take the test as early as possible, you won't still be pregnant, and it's not as if you wouldn't figure it out soon enough anyway.  That being said, I'm a POAS(pee on a stick) addict.

I want to know as soon as it is physically possible to know, and so I start testing illogically early, just so I'm sure I don't wait one second of time that I could "know".  I started testing three days ago.  I'm not ENTIRELY sure when I ovulated, but I'm pretty sure it was only five days ago.  OK, really?  Who does that?  I started testing only two days after ovulation...just in case.  For those of you not up on the baby-making science, that's just dumb.  I do it knowing full well that A) I'm wasting a lot of money on tests (I get the super cheap internet ones, but still...it adds up) and B) I'm going to see a ton of negatives...which could all be wrong, but I won't know that for another week.

It's not a surprise to take test after test, morning after morning, and see only one line.  I know I can't know yet...  So why do I do it?  Just in case.  You never know.  It could happen.  Besides, a negative isn't a negative until you get your period.  I should know.  I've seen a lot of negatives.


So that's how I've been playing out the waiting game.  I suck at waiting.