Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Thursday, July 29, 2010

I hope 25 is enough...

So, I'm now 3-4dpo (since I got my smiley on Sunday morning, I O'ed either Sunday or Monday).  I ordered 25 of the internet cheapie tests...the kind that basically look like the ph balance strips you used in high school chemistry.  I've said it before, so let me say it again...I want to know as soon as it is physically possible to know.  This means that, though it's not even really possible to get a positive test until at LEAST 8dpo, I test AT LEAST once a day from day 3 on.  Just in case.  This is apparently my mantra.  I had a sharp pain on my lower left side on Tuesday night, and a part of me thought, "hmm...maybe it's implantation!"  Yeah right.  Even if I O'ed on Sunday afternoon, there's no WAY that there could be implantation on Tuesday...all the research says 5-8 days!!  So, yeah, I'm a goober.  So, I have my 25 strips...I really hope it's enough to last me through this cycle!  I have 23 left as of right now........

Sunday, July 25, 2010

Ooh, thats new and different!

I finally got a positive OPK!  That means I'll be ovulating in the next day or two.  Woo hoo!  I've NEVER gotten a positive OPK...I always miss it!  This also means that my body's pretty well on track for this cycle, because tomorrow's the two week mark, which is when your body is "supposed to" ovulate.  Yay!  I'm excited that I actually KNOW.  How cool is that!?

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Wishes

While at the cabin, I made a lot of wishes.  First, since there was no light polution, we could see all the stars...including three shooting ones.  Second, we saw about a million butterflies...and if a butterfly crosses your path it's good luck...so I made a wish on about 20 butterflies, too.  Third, Mike lost two eyelashes while in the jacuzzi...so we each made a wish on those, and I got them...you know, you squeeze the eyelash between your finger and someone else's finger, and whoever the eyelash sticks to gets a wish.  I won.

So how many times do I have to wish for something to make it come true?  Every time I made a wish, I had a mental picture of what I wanted...and it was really nice...so here's hoping that I'm one wish over the line.

Friday, July 23, 2010

Sprinting at the start of the race...

So, Mike and I rented a "cabin" (hot tub, jacuzzi, beautiful views....not in the slightest bit rustic) in the mountains for a few days this week.  We got to take our dog with us, and we totally enjoyed just being together...watching movies, playing games, sitting in the hot tub, and....yeah.  So, there was a lot of baby-dancing practice going on.  Lots of fun, but...I'm now coming up on my ovulation time for the month...and I'm exhausted!  I feel like I just sprinted the first two miles of a marathon, and the rest of the race is INCREDIBLY daunting right now.

On the bright side, I got a head start...so we'll see how that whole thing works out!

Monday, July 19, 2010

Concerned

One of my close friends is planning on TTC in the near future...another month or two.  I'm a little concerned that she'll be one of those first month trying people, and, if so, I might not handle it well.  I've never been a particularly patient person, especially when it's something that I want badly...and the only thing I've ever wanted as much as this was to marry Mike. 

Now, in retrospect, the YEARS I spent waiting for Mike to ask me to marry him don't seem that bad.  Our life together is really happy, and we just GET each other.  It makes sense.  It's been three years since we got married, and already the time before seems really distant and fuzzy...I'm hoping that TTC will be the same way...I really hope that, when (yes, when) we have a baby, all of this pain and heartache and exhaustion and frustration will all fade in the happiness and fulfillment that is being a parent.  I've got a lot of love that I want to share.

We're currently at the start of cycle nine.  One of my friends on the message boards said this is third time's the charm times three, so it's even luckier...I really hope she's right.  Again, I'm at the point that, if this IS our month, I'll be on EXACTLY the same time table that I was last year.  I'd be due within 2 days of my edd from the last time.  I don't know if that's good or bad...I think I would seriously freak out, come October...and, God help us, if anything bad happened again....just, wow.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

TLC show...really?

So I was watching TLC at 1am again...and they had a show on called "I'm pregnant and addicted". This particular episode was about a woman who was on methadone and 36 weeks pregnant. She said, "We were gonna wait until after I got offa the methadone, but, we weren't preventing, so...?"

OK, really??

Wednesday, July 14, 2010

All things considered...

The worst part about the repeated BFNs is telling Mike about it. I HATE that I have to be the bearer of bad news over and over again. I just feel like I'm disappointing him. It's getting to the point that the telling of it is worse than the actual event itself. I know I'll eventually get my BFP. Well, maybe "know" is a little strong...but I'm pretty confident.

This month wasn't so bad, though. I told Mike it was a no for this cycle, and he was ok about it. We immediately started making plans for this month. We're going to try to work on self improvement in general starting this month...from cleaning and organizing, to correcting bad habits, to getting healthier...we spent an hour or two making a list of reasonable goals that have tangible rewards. I'm actually excited about it. It also doesn't hurt that we're going to be going to a cabin for three days during the BD marathon this cycle, so it won't be same old, same old all over again.

I'm actually cautiously optimistic, which is VERY early in the cycle for me. It's a good day...all things considered.

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

Yeah, not so much.

So, that's it for cycle 8. Damn it. Both Mike and I really felt like this was it...it just seemed RIGHT. I guess not. So, if it happens in cycle 9, according to all the due date calculators I'll be due LITERALLY the same day as I was due the last time...I swear, fate is just laughing at me. Oh well. Fingers crossed for cycle 9. Ready, set, go.

Not feeling well...good or bad?

Still waiting, currently on CD30. Last 3 days I've felt really bad at night...nauseous, heartburn, rumbly...and I don't know whether or not to be happy about this. If I get my BFP, I welcome symptoms like these with open arms. Last time I had few symptoms, except for a craving/aversion combo (I craved one thing and had extreme aversion to anything else except that one thing...and it changed every hour or two.) I'd love to have the traditional morning (or night, in this case) sickness, the sore boobies (I have that, too), the heartburn...it'd help to convince me that it's real...that is, IF it's real. I'm concerned right now that it's NOT real, and I'm therefore just sick. Is it stress? Anxiety? Too many of the seasonal cherries? A product of my recent brie obsession?? I've been checking myself, and my cervix is still nice and closed, not like it is before AF. I also read an article that said only about 40% of women actually get their BFPs before their missed periods...and my last cycle was 30 days, so...fingers crossed? I hope I can be happy about my heartburn tomorrow.

Sunday, July 11, 2010

I'll take that as a maybe.

I am not good about talking about these things with my husband. Therefore, when AF comes, I just say "It's a no for this month." I don't need to tell him the details. So, in theory, if I was on a 28 day cycle, I'd be getting AF tomorrow...I tested tonight, as is my norm, and I got the best maybe-sorta-shadow-of-a-possible-line-if-I-squint-my-eyes that I've gotten since the chemical that we had four or five months ago. So, as I told my husband, "It's a maybe for this month." I'd been getting down on this month over the last couple of days, but now I'm back to cautiously optimistic...I hope that's a good thing...it's suck if that optimism bit the dust tomorrow.

Friday, July 9, 2010

God's answer to my petition??

So, today was an interesting day. It was apparently pregnant women's day at the grocery store this morning. I was going to a party tonight, and I needed to buy stuff to make a fruit salad. I've never seen so many pregnant women in one place at once....and anyone NOT pregnant had an infant or toddler with them. What's the deal??

So then I go to the party tonight...and Sophie's there. For anyone who's not up with the blog, Sophie is a month old baby whose mother announced her pregnancy at the same time as me last September, when she was one month in and I was 2.5 months in. Sophie's been my ghost...it's like watching the child that would have been...she's even half Asian like my Seamonkey was. Anyways, so Sophie's there. Hadn't met her before.

I was doing ok, and even holding my own better than I thought I would (safely across the party from Sophie), when someone who knows my history said something to me...it was little, and it was meant to be supportive, but it cut through my tenuous hold on control like a hot knife through butter. So I excused myself to the bathroom before anyone noticed...except for the person who said the thing in the first place...to calm myself down before I got really upset and/or started crying. And then she FOLLOWED ME. OK, really? Obviously saying something to me didn't work out so well, so you're really going to follow me to the bathroom and make me talk about it more while locked in a small room?! So, yeah, I started crying, and it was stupid and made me feel like an idiot...I'm glad no one else noticed (I hope). I hung out in the bathroom until my eyes stopped being red.

So, God, was this the answer to my petition? If so, what was it? Were you saying that you're mad at me and that you want me to suffer? Were you showing me hope through the pregnant women and Sophie? Were you trying to make me break down the walls I'm building around my emotional swamp? Or was it all just coincidence? Please, God, can I have a baby now?

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Petition to God.

So, I was reading Eat, Pray, Love for my book club last week, and there was a piece about writing a petition to God, then mentally asking everyone to sign it. At the time when I read this I thought it was silly...now, as it gets closer to the end of cycle 8, I find myself doing it....so here's my petition to God. Feel free to sign it. Most of the people I know have already signed it in my head, but hey, every little bit helps!

Dear God,
I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I know I haven't always been the best person that I can be. I'm sorry for that. I know I've asked for a lot of things over the years, some important and some not. I don't know why you wanted me to go through what we went through, or why you chose to take our seamonkey from us. I was mad at you about that for a long time. Now I'm just tired, and I'm starting to lose faith. I don't want to do that, God.
I want to be a mother. I want to make Mike a father. I want to share this love that we have with a new life. I know that we will make mistakes as parents, and I know that it's hard, but please just give us a chance. We have so much love to share. I want so badly to feel his child growing inside me, to feel special, to share happiness. This thing that I want will bring happiness to many people, God, so please, help us.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
me

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Feeling pessimistic...wait, I have time!!

So, a part of my process in this whole thing is that I test early, and I test often, and the closer we get to AF, the less hope I have. That way, when AF shows, my hope is already diminished, so I'm not as crushed as I would otherwise be. OK, AF isn't due until Sunday, which makes today six days before my missed period, but for some reason today has made me kindof pessimistic. I don't want to be pessimistic yet! I've had REALLY good feelings about this month, plus the psychic said it was this month (not that I believe in that, but still...), and....I'm just READY. I don't WANT to be pessimistic yet! :-(

Monday, July 5, 2010

Mind games, take 8.

You would think I'd learn. No, no, no. I'm just not that fast of a learner. Here I am, a week from AF, and I'm starting the mind games with myself again. I'm testing twice a day using the el cheapo tests, and I'm staring at each of them for a good five minutes...just in case. My idiotic optimism is once again overriding my good sense, and I keep thinking this is the time, the line will be there, I swear there's a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a line...or maybe it really is just a shadow, let me move to better light....but this light is coming through a screen, so is that a shadow or a line...

Hopefully the eighth take will be the best one, and we can put this film to print. Oy.