Thanks

Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Monday, May 31, 2010

Coping strategy #2...that's not good.

So, as the photos of the not-my-baby proliferate on facebook, I've come up with a second strategy to cope with my emotions...cookie dough. That can't be good. Luckily, strategy #1 is working out, so the two strategies somewhat negate one another.

*sigh* I'm an idiot. Testing in a week. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

Sunday, May 30, 2010

Already...

Someone needs to explain to me how I justify the wasted money of testing so early every month. OK, granted, I only spend $1 per test, but it's only 3 dpo, and I'm already testing. Every day. Not only that, I actually test a few days after AF...just in case. I read an article once about how very few women have implantation bleeding that is very similar to a normal AF, so I test for that, too...just in case.

Who does that?

Saturday, May 29, 2010

That's because you're an idiot.

For whatever reason, I've been going through the last week thinking this cycle started on the 16th. It took me until five minutes ago when I realized I was off by two days! That doesn't seem like much, but two days of baby dancing makes a HUGE difference. I'm an idiot.

I also was just reading through some of my old entries, and I realized that I wandered between thinking this is cycle 7 or 8...ok, let's break it down.

Dec 7--First AF (stands for Aunt Frannie) after miscarriage
Dec 27--BFN on Cycle 1 (and all kinds of scariness which I may elaborate on at some point.)
Jan 17--BFN on Cycle 2
Feb 19--Chemical Pregnancy on Cycle 3
Mar 19--BFN on Cycle 4
April 16--BFN on Cycle 5
May 14--BFN on Cycle 6
June 11--We'll see about cycle 7

OK, so I'm on cycle 7. It'll be my 8th AF, but it's my 7th cycle of TTC. Good to know.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Things I needed today...

I love to watch The Biggest Loser when I work out. It motivates me. Also, while I am not THAT overweight, I have similar emotions as a LOT of what the contestants say when they're doing the quasi-breakdowns and soul searching...it's good.

Now, I watch these episodes on OnDemand (yay Fios), so I'm several episodes behind. Yeah, I know the finale was this week. Anyways, back in episode ONE of this season, when Stephanie said "I've never been in love..." (PS-I feel like I looked like Stephanie a bit, and I really really identified with her.) I decided that I wanted her to get together with Sam. BL is NOTORIOUS for matchmaking, as the contestants are all similarly focused and bond over their goals. So, when I watched Sam get kicked off tonight, and they're doing the where are they now segment, Sam and Stephanie are living together in LA! How wonderful is that??

I really needed this today. When I saw the post about Sophie's birth, and I totally spiraled from zen to dark abyss, I wasn't able to pull myself out of it by myself. I'm really happy that I was able to find a way out of it through sweat (did I mention that I was working out for the entire hour and forty-five minutes of the show?) and happy endings.

...still very jealous, still want my OWN baby, and still very sad about what I lost, but I've gotten a little zen back.

Not so zen today.

I saw on facebook today that Sophie is either in the process of being or recently was born. Not feeling particularly zen about it. My heart hurts.

I'm finding it very hard that I can't talk to anyone about these feelings that I have. I just want someone to cry with.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends...because they're all her friends too, and they all want to be happy for baby Sophie and her mama. I want to be happy for them, too, but it hurts too much right now.

I can't talk to my husband about it, because when I talk about being sad with him, it makes him more sad, which makes me feel worse...and it spirals down from there.

I can't talk to my family, because I haven't talked to my family about any of this since the miscarriage back in October.

I feel completely and utterly alone in my heartbreak. I haven't felt this empty for a few months now. It's hard. I wish I wasn't broken.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Articles I like

I think, when and if anyone else tells me to just stop trying so hard, I'm going to refer them to this article:

Trying Too Hard

I wish I'd been able to forward this article to my friends and family back in October. People say stupid things.

Is that really necessary?

So, I'm inexplicably watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on Lifetime today...and I see about 72 commercials for "The Pregnancy Pact"...a movie about 15(ish) teenage girls who make a pact to all get pregnant at the same time. You know what's the most annoying thing about these commercials? After the third time seeing it, I found myself compelled to yell at the screen "It's not that damn easy to get pregnant!!" on each subsequent viewing. I mean, really, how did ALL those teenage girls manage to actually get pregnant that quickly and at the same time?! I've been trying for 3/4 of a year!

That's just inconvenient...

My husband is on a canoe trip with some of his friends today/tonight. He left early this morning, and will return sometime tomorrow afternoon. Now, I am NOT a clingy wife that wants "my man" around all the time. No, no, not at all...

HOWEVER

I failed to do the math prior to OKing this trip...because I ovulate this week. The goal is to "baby dance" once a day, every day during the week I "O". Now I've missed a day accidentally, and I know that if this month's a no, I'm going to wonder if it's because of this trip.

That's just plain inconvenient!

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Apprehensions

My belly buddy is due any day now. There was a friend of mine who announced her pregnancy to our friends at the same time as me. She was just over a month behind me, but her pregnancy has progressed smoothly. Baby Sophie could arrive at any given moment. I am apprehensive about how I'll feel about this.

I had a really hard time seeing her in the months following my miscarriage. I sent her an email in February(ish) saying that I know I've been distant, but that I really was just happy for her...and that I was sorry if my sadness for myself made it hard to see that. I went to her baby shower (which was the weekend before what would have been my due date) last month, and I did ok...though I had to go outside at one point for a mini-breakdown...

So how will I feel when Sophie actually arrives? How will I feel when pictures of her are posted on facebook? How will I feel when all of our mutual friends are gushing about her? How will I feel when no one remembers that my arms are empty and that it's still hard for me?

I really want to be happy for Sophie's arrival...but I'm scared that I'm not strong enough for that. I know it's incredibly selfish...but I still hurt sometimes. This is really hard, and I don't know how I'll react to some things, and that unpredictability makes me very apprehensive.

I really want to be a mother, too.

Hmm...

So, for whatever reason, I felt compelled to become more active on the message boards again today. I hadn't been checking them much recently. My reactions to them are surprising me. It used to be that I turned to the boards when I was upset...when I wanted to share something I was thinking or feeling with other people who knew what I was going through...without judgment. Now...I don't know. I'm reading through people's stories...and I don't feel the need to cry. That's an unusual reaction from me.

Some people will think this is a good thing...it feels too weird to be good. It feels more like I'm numb, which doesn't make sense. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do right now.

I'm starting to feel like I can't get pregnant. I know that I WAS pregnant eight months ago (yup, it was that long ago) but I'm on my eighth cycle since then...and I think if I was to get a BFP this month I'd be more shocked than anything. I remember, back in August, when I found out about our first baby, I was in complete and total shock. I didn't believe it. I felt like I was lying when I told my family about it...I wasn't. When my husband mentioned something being "good for the baby" or "a symptom of pregnancy" I wanted to shush him, because it felt like it was make-believe...and now suddenly this whole trying to conceive process feels like make-believe, too. It's as though I'm a little girl playing with her dolls, not that I'm a grown, married woman. Have I lost faith in myself, or is this just how I was supposed to feel in the first place?

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Don't really care...that's just weird.

Ever since mother's day (and strike number 7), I suddenly find myself not really caring. That's not true. It's not that I don't care, it's that it's not on the forefront of my mind. I haven't been temping. I'm not going within 10 feet of an ovulation stick. I really just am not thinking about it.

Here's the glitch: I can't decide if this is good or bad.

Good: I'm not as sad or emotional about it so far this month. I'm better able to handle the pregnant people and babies I see in my day to day life. My sex life is less stressed.

Bad: What if I'm missing something because I'm not paying attention? What if it ends up taking us longer since I'm not monitoring my ovulation days? Does this mean that I'm less excited as well?

*shrug* At least I'm not sad.

Saturday, May 15, 2010

My new (proverbial) take on this process...we'll see how long it lasts.

I cried because I had no shoes. Then I met a man who had no feet.

I'm actually in a good mood today. I have a lot of love in my life, and I'm going to try very hard not to take if for granted. I think my husband and I have a wonderful relationship, and we are very truly happy together. For the moment, I'm appreciating that happiness and love, and I know that we'll have a baby sometime soon. In the meantime, Mike and I were sitting in bed this morning at 11 drinking coffee and watching funny movies...that's not a bad life.

Time to appreciate my feet.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Strike Seven

This is starting to feel increasingly hopeless...and if one more person who knows what's going on says either "If you stop trying, it will happen" or "It's just God's plan" I will throw the hissiest hissy fit anyone has ever seen.

Comment A-Please tell me how to stop trying for the thing I want more than anything in the world. Please tell me how to forget what I want so that I don't go crazy for weeks on end paying attention to every infinitesimal tweak and twinge within my body, wondering if it's working the way it's supposed to.

Comment B-It doesn't make me feel any better to think of a supposedly benevolent deity forcing all of this heartache. But hey, thanks for imposing your religious viewpoints on me...that was really what was missing from my life.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Drawing the line

There comes a point between testing way too early and getting close to my period at which I start becoming exceedingly pessimistic.  I feel like that line is very thin.  One day I'm feeling OK because it's still early, and the next day I've lost hope because I should have seen something by now. 

The first time I got pregnant, I didn't test until five days after my expected period.  That's what you get when it's a total and complete surprise.  The nice thing about it was that there was no guessing.  I looked, and I saw two equally dark and clear lines. 

If I had self control, I'd wait until after my period is supposed to come to test...then I wouldn't have to draw the thin line between blind optimism and complete and total pessimism.

Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why is God mad at me?

So, my sister got married this weekend.  I was already somewhat upset about Mother's Day, but I was looking forward to using my photography addiction for good (for once).

So then we get there, and one of my sister's friends brought her three week old baby.  Do the math.  My baby would have been three weeks old, had the miscarriage not happened.  OK, so that sucks. 

I was doing OK for the most part...photography is my new coping mechanism...but it was lurking.  It wasn't so much just that it was a baby, though I haven't been doing well with infants recently.  It was that it was a baby who was the same age that my child would have been--at MY family's wedding--being present for something that's a big deal for my family--bringing happiness that I don't have..  It's hard to explain.

I got a little teary just ONCE for about 30 seconds, and I hid it as best I could.  I didn't want people to know.  Sad looks and talking about it is just too hard for me.  I hate pity.  A lot.  Unfortunately, my mom noticed.  This made her upset.  Then my family noticed that she was upset.  So they asked her why.  She told them.  I then kept hearing whispers and getting pity looks and getting HUGS, for crying out loud, from a woman I hadn't even met before!  It was then close to impossible for me to feel in control.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I also ended up sitting between two infants on the plane ride home...on Mother's Day...

So, really, what did I do to annoy God?  I know we don't get more than we can handle...but I think I'm getting a little too close!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

My addiction is back in full force...

My POAS addiction is rearing its ugly head.  I only ordered five tests at the start of this month, because I promised myself that I was going to be a good, patient little girl...and I went through those tests within 7 days of ovulation and then ordered ten more.  It's a really good thing they only cost about $1 each...though I did buy a few of the First Response tests for just in case for later.  While the cheap internet versions satisfy my need to test, I don't know that I would actually trust the results.  I should probably stop and think about the futility of the process, considering this, but I choose not to.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Staying positive is hard...

We're currently on our sixth cycle of actively trying to concieve.  With each passing cycle it's harder and harder not to get my hopes up, and it's also harder and harder to deal with the disappointment. 

I just realized for the first time last night exactly how jaded my poor husband is becoming about the whole process.  Ever since the miscarriage, I've had a hard time dealing with my emotions related to this process, children, pregnancies, etc.  There has not been one single day that has gone by in the last seven months that I haven't felt emotional upheaval and/or pain as a result of something seemingly insignificant to everyone else.  My husband has been very good and strong in dealing with me and his own emotions, but the more months that go by with no luck, the harder it is becoming for him to put on a strong face for me.

I don't slide as badly into darkness as I did for the first month or so after it happened, but I'm still reminded more frequently than people can imagine or what exactly it is that I've lost.  When I see a pregnant woman...a child with his or her parents...a car seat in a grocery cart...baby clothes at Target...the calendar reminding me that I should have a baby in my arms right now...my former guest room, currently a cheery yellow with cartoonish animals in preparation for the baby that doesn't exist anymore...a commercial for Disney World...

It's really quite difficult to stay positive and upbeat about trying to have a baby when I feel so weighted down still with what SHOULD have been. 

I do have one thing to be thankful for...many people on grief and loss message boards write about how one pregnancy doesn't replace another and how one healthy child doesn't erase the loss of the other who was lost.  I believe, however, that the spirit and soul of the child I carried is the spirit and soul of the child I'm meant to have. When I lost that child, that spirit and soul went somewhere safe, and it's waiting to be provided a new home. I truly believe that, when we do finally have a child (I force myself to write "when" and not "if"),  the child I'm meant to have will come back to me....I have to believe this for my sanity.

Saturday, May 1, 2010

I probably wouldn't have either...

So, tonight my family celebrated Mother's Day, a week early.  The reason for this is that my sister is getting married in Texas next Saturday, so most of us will be in airports and cars and such on Sunday. 

There was a part of me, a much bigger part than I realized, that fully expected ONE of my family members to acknowledge that I was a mother this year.  Unfortunately there is no card for mothers of angel babies (again, that's what they call it in miscarriage land).  It was hard. 

I know that it's more than likely that they just don't see what happened to me as a piece of motherhood.  The difficult part is, since I DO see myself that way, their lack of acknowledgement feels somehow like a personal slight.  I know it's not, and I know that, if I said something, they would be very supportive.  The problem with that is, if I said something, the point is lost.  I wanted someone to see me as I see myself...as a mother of a child that didn't get a chance to live.  If they don't see me that way, them acknowledging me for being a mother because I said something feels more like it's being patronizing than that they really see me the way I see myself. 

Mike thinks it's because they don't want to risk upsetting me.  That's a sweet thing to say, but I don't believe him.  Yeah, it would upset me, and yeah, I would cry...but I want to have the opportunity to feel those emotions, rather than hiding the hurt I feel behind a camera...since photography of events like that has become my coping mechanism.