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Tuesday, May 11, 2010

Why is God mad at me?

So, my sister got married this weekend.  I was already somewhat upset about Mother's Day, but I was looking forward to using my photography addiction for good (for once).

So then we get there, and one of my sister's friends brought her three week old baby.  Do the math.  My baby would have been three weeks old, had the miscarriage not happened.  OK, so that sucks. 

I was doing OK for the most is my new coping mechanism...but it was lurking.  It wasn't so much just that it was a baby, though I haven't been doing well with infants recently.  It was that it was a baby who was the same age that my child would have been--at MY family's wedding--being present for something that's a big deal for my family--bringing happiness that I don't have..  It's hard to explain.

I got a little teary just ONCE for about 30 seconds, and I hid it as best I could.  I didn't want people to know.  Sad looks and talking about it is just too hard for me.  I hate pity.  A lot.  Unfortunately, my mom noticed.  This made her upset.  Then my family noticed that she was upset.  So they asked her why.  She told them.  I then kept hearing whispers and getting pity looks and getting HUGS, for crying out loud, from a woman I hadn't even met before!  It was then close to impossible for me to feel in control.

I'm emotionally exhausted.

I also ended up sitting between two infants on the plane ride home...on Mother's Day...

So, really, what did I do to annoy God?  I know we don't get more than we can handle...but I think I'm getting a little too close!

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