We're currently on our sixth cycle of actively trying to concieve. With each passing cycle it's harder and harder not to get my hopes up, and it's also harder and harder to deal with the disappointment.
I just realized for the first time last night exactly how jaded my poor husband is becoming about the whole process. Ever since the miscarriage, I've had a hard time dealing with my emotions related to this process, children, pregnancies, etc. There has not been one single day that has gone by in the last seven months that I haven't felt emotional upheaval and/or pain as a result of something seemingly insignificant to everyone else. My husband has been very good and strong in dealing with me and his own emotions, but the more months that go by with no luck, the harder it is becoming for him to put on a strong face for me.
I don't slide as badly into darkness as I did for the first month or so after it happened, but I'm still reminded more frequently than people can imagine or what exactly it is that I've lost. When I see a pregnant woman...a child with his or her parents...a car seat in a grocery cart...baby clothes at Target...the calendar reminding me that I should have a baby in my arms right now...my former guest room, currently a cheery yellow with cartoonish animals in preparation for the baby that doesn't exist anymore...a commercial for Disney World...
It's really quite difficult to stay positive and upbeat about trying to have a baby when I feel so weighted down still with what SHOULD have been.
I do have one thing to be thankful for...many people on grief and loss message boards write about how one pregnancy doesn't replace another and how one healthy child doesn't erase the loss of the other who was lost. I believe, however, that the spirit and soul of the child I carried is the spirit and soul of the child I'm meant to have. When I lost that child, that spirit and soul went somewhere safe, and it's waiting to be provided a new home. I truly believe that, when we do finally have a child (I force myself to write "when" and not "if"), the child I'm meant to have will come back to me....I have to believe this for my sanity.