So, for whatever reason, I felt compelled to become more active on the message boards again today. I hadn't been checking them much recently. My reactions to them are surprising me. It used to be that I turned to the boards when I was upset...when I wanted to share something I was thinking or feeling with other people who knew what I was going through...without judgment. Now...I don't know. I'm reading through people's stories...and I don't feel the need to cry. That's an unusual reaction from me.
Some people will think this is a good thing...it feels too weird to be good. It feels more like I'm numb, which doesn't make sense. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do right now.
I'm starting to feel like I can't get pregnant. I know that I WAS pregnant eight months ago (yup, it was that long ago) but I'm on my eighth cycle since then...and I think if I was to get a BFP this month I'd be more shocked than anything. I remember, back in August, when I found out about our first baby, I was in complete and total shock. I didn't believe it. I felt like I was lying when I told my family about it...I wasn't. When my husband mentioned something being "good for the baby" or "a symptom of pregnancy" I wanted to shush him, because it felt like it was make-believe...and now suddenly this whole trying to conceive process feels like make-believe, too. It's as though I'm a little girl playing with her dolls, not that I'm a grown, married woman. Have I lost faith in myself, or is this just how I was supposed to feel in the first place?