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Saturday, January 4, 2014

Charlotte's Legacy

I was out to dinner with my mom a little while ago.  We went to the McDonalds with the play area so Mia could have fun even when it's so cold outside.  I was sitting in the booth with Ethan, my dad was watching Mia play, and I was talking with my mom.

Apparently she told the knitting circle in the retirement community she lives in about LLOST.  Apparently they made about a hundred blankets of varying sizes with matching hats and donated them to the local hospital so that babies like Charlotte will have something our little purple potholder.    It was very sweet of my mom and them.  My mom said, "It's Charlotte's legacy."

I looked down at Ethan.  No, that's not her legacy....he is.  Ethan wouldn't be here if it were not for Charlotte, in so many ways.  We choose to see her death as a sacrifice so that we could have a strong, healthy child.  We choose to believe that she chose to let go rather than make us or her suffer.  If we hadn't gone through what we went through, Ethan wouldn't be here.

It's a hard thing to grasp.  I wouldn't wish Ethan away for anything in the world, and yet I wouldn't wish Charlotte to die, obviously either.  She had to die so that he could come to be, could live, could be loved.  Yet given the choice I wouldn't have her die.  I can't quite get a handle on the emotions of this. 

They call the birth of a child after a loss a rainbow baby.  It's the light and beauty that comes after the storm and darkness.  This symbol seems confusing to me.  Losing Charlotte was the most painful experience of my life.  It continues to hurt my heart, and I still cry for her loss frequently.  At the same time, I would not, for anything in the world, wish that it hadn't happened to me.  The fact that she lived, even so briefly, even so quietly, is more important than that she died.  Her little soul is watching out for our family now, and I feel so blessed for it.  It was a storm, yes, and it was darkness, yes, but it was also rain...nourishing rain.  Rain makes the flowers grow.  I guess the rainbow isn't a bad symbol.  You can't have a rainbow without the rain.  Ethan wouldn't exist without Charlotte. 

My heart bursts with love for my children.  Charlotte has quite a legacy.

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