Hiding

I've been hiding.  From life.  From the reality that Charlotte should be here now.  From the reality that we're not going to get pregnant again before her "official" due date.  From the lonliness.

I'm behind on my days of thanks.  Maybe tomorrow I'll catch up...but I don't have the energy for it today. 

Mike's back at work again tonight, marking the first day I haven't seen him for more than a half hour since last Tuesday.  I had a half day last Wednesday, so we got to spend a few hours together before he went to work.  Then I was off on Thursday and Friday, so we got to spend all day together until 4.  He was off Saturday through Tuesday, and then he worked during the day yesterday, so he was home in time for dinner.  Today he's back to work.  It's hard when I forget how much it's a bummer to be here alone.  It's so much easier to be happy and distracted when I have another human to talk to. 

I'm trying to decide what I want to do on Wednesday to acknowledge Charlotte's due date.  I was thinking about going shopping for her Christmas presents.  I plan to shop for her as though she's still here, then donating the toys/clothes/books to Toys for Tots.  I like to think she would like it if her memory helped another little baby that's still here. 

....I miss her.  Some days still more than others.  Today, I miss her.  I wish the wind would blow so that I could hear her wind chimes.  They help fill the butterfly spaces when it's cold outside.

Day 22 of thanks...Thanksgiving

On thanksgiving, i am thankful for the love in my life. Sometimes it doesn't feel like enough...but it's what I need, in times of joy,sadness, and all the times between. 
I think of the movie Love Actually...what I love about that movie is that the love we think we want and need isn't always the love we get...but the love is still there. There may not be a happily ever after or two perfect children like clockwork...but there's love.

You have to be grateful for that.

10 months for you...

So, in the memoir I read, there's a section when she wrote about other people having children...

I feel like there should be a way to stop pregnant people from doing pregnant people things when you have a loss, or around your due date.  The doctor should be able to go to the woman and say, "Yes, I know it's normally a 9 month process, but Kait can't really handle hearing about your new baby right now, so it's going to be 10 months for you..."  That seems fair.

Charlotte's due date is only 2 weeks away...and I'm struggling a lot more this week with hearing and seeing things about new babies and pregnancies.  I'm trying hard to not be swept away by the "should be"s and remember and be thankful for what I do have...I have a lot of good in my life.  Especially with tomorrow being Thanksgiving...I want to be thankful...

...it's just hard right now.

Days 20 and 21 of thanks

For day 20 of thanks, I am/was thankful for DVR.  I get that this is a stupid/silly thing to be thankful for, but it's nice.  When Mia decides she wants to turn off the tv, I can rewind or pause.  When bath time falls in the middle of Dancing with the Stars, it's OK because it's being recorded.  DVR is a pretty amazing thing.

For day 21 of thanks, I am thankful for Mia.  Yeah, I know, I said her already...but I think she deserves two days.  She's the sweetest, most adorable little person in the world, and I love her dearly.  She's learning to fist bump...seriously.  She also "blows it out" after fist bumping.  I don't think it gets much cuter than that.  She loves her animals, though I caught her trying to ride the dog like a pony today...luckily the dog didn't mind too much.  She is the reason I'm able to be OK.

Days 17-19 of thanks

Darn it...running behind.  Life keeps getting in the way of my unnecessary and unread blog musings...the nerve!


Day 17 of Thanks--I am thankful for that feeling you get when you finally do something you've been putting off for a long time.  I finally folded and put away the last of the maternity clothes, and, while the process sucked and was painful, I feel much better for being done with it.  I also, as always, went ten steps farther once I started the project, cleaning out all the clothes I never wear to give away.  Really, if I haven't folded clothes since August, and something is still sitting folded in the drawer, CLEARLY I don't wear it or want it, and it should go away.  I feel cleansed, literally and metaphorically.  It's a good feeling.

Day 18 of Thanks--I'm thankful for hot showers on a cold day.  There's really not much better than getting into a hot shower when you're feeling a little cold and dreary.  Those are the showers that make you do the crazy, pampering stuff that you usually don't have time for...things like exfoliating your feet, or trying a mud mask, or using a deep conditioner.  It's a good feeling.

Day 19 of Thanks--I'm thankful for technology.  It's a yearbook deadline today, and I am the yearbook adviser.  Much as I whine and moan and get headaches and tear out my hair...I am so, completely, incredibly grateful for computers and the internet and design software.  The thought of cutting and pasting and measuring everything literally makes me shudder.  I am thankful that I am sitting in my own home right now, wearing my fuzzy, polka-dot bathrobe and mismatched fuzzy, pink socks, getting ready to drink a cup of coffee at my desk...not at school with a ruler and a bottle of glue.  Yeesh.  It's a good feeling.

More legitimate reasons for not folding laundry

I haven't folded or put away laundry since August.

Let me be clear: I have DONE laundry...I just put the clean laundry in baskets which make it to my bedroom but never actually get folded.  Clothes get hopelessly wrinkled, but they're clean and available.  Still, why the sloth?  Why haven't I put these things away?

The loads of laundry I did after Charlotte died were filled with all of my favorite maternity clothes.  See this blog post for my feelings on my maternity clothes.  The thing is, once I'd washed and dried those clothes...I didn't really want to touch them again.

I didn't want to fold a t-shirt and think, "I should be wearing this today."  I don't want to put away the pretty sleeveless top with the lace detail and think, "I was so happy when I wore this the last time."  I didn't want to pull out my favorite black stretchy pants that felt like yoga pants but looked like slacks and think, "I wore this the day she died."

I finally put them away tonight.  I thought all those things.  I thought many other things.  It was really hard. 

It was actually harder than I thought it would be.  If things had been different, I wouldn't be going back to school after Thanksgiving.  I would be preparing for my new baby right now.  I'd be pulling out the baby stuff and finding ways to meld it with Mia's big girl toys.  I'd be washing and folding all of the baby's clothes.  I'd be so many things that I'm not now.  I know my maternity clothes are just clothes, but they've become this painful extended metaphor for my life, my emotions...maybe my sanity to an extent..  I left them wrinkled in the bottom of a laundry basket, hoping that if I just ignored them and didn't deal with them, maybe I could pull them out when I'm happy again.  

But I finally put them away tonight.

Now, to be fair and transparent, I did not put them folded into a laundry basket and into the closet...they're still in the drawers of my dresser.  This was not, perhaps the biggest leap in my healing process...but it was a step.  I'm not ready to take them out of the drawers yet.  I still have hope...probably too much hope, but hope none the less...that I'll need them again soon.  I still have hope that I'll feel Charlotte's influence on my life and be able to wear those clothes with happiness again.  I'm not ready for them to go away.

Days 15 and 16 of thanks

For the 15th of November, my 15th day of thanks, I'm thankful for the wind. 

I know that sounds very odd and granola, but I mean it.  Think about it.  When you need something...a prayer, a hug, a hand to hold...if you close your eyes and feel the wind blow on your face, you don't feel so alone.  The wind is healing.

In Tibet, they hang prayer flags to be blown by the wind, and they believe the wind carries the prayers up to the g/God(s).  They also believe the prayers clean the air of the wind as it passes.  Sometimes they hang bells as well which ring when the wind blows, letting them know that the prayers and mantras are being carried.  It's a beautiful thought.

I have Charlotte's wind chime hanging on my front porch.  I feel toward it similar to a Tibetan prayer flag.  It's my prayer and memorial for my daughter, and, when I hear the chimes, I know that my hopes and love for her are being carried.  I feel that she's near when I hear the chimes sound.  It's comforting, especially when I feel such need of comfort.

The wind is like a fresh start, a prayer, comfort of nature.

_________

For the 16th of November, my 16th day of thanks, I am thankful for Christmas music.

I realize that this is a complete mood shift from the 15th.  My bad...but not really.

The local radio station begins playing Christmas music on the Friday before Thanksgiving.  They start it when Delilah, the nationally syndicated radio host, starts playing it on her show...which is today.  I got to listen to Christmas music on my way home from work today.

I dive down and snuggle into Christmas.  I love the tacky claymation Rudolph, the Boris Karloff Grinch, and poor, sad Charlie Brown.  I love tinsel, garland, and lights (though not blue lights! Christmas lights should not look sad!).  I love setting up my Christmas tree, baking cookies for Santa, and wrapping presents.  I spend far too much money on wrapping paper, ribbons, and tags to wrap the presents I also spent far too much money on.  I wear antlers.  I own a Christmas village.  I have a Christmas door mat.

It's strange, really.  For someone who feels so alone sometimes, it's strange to get so enthralled by a holiday that is all about friends and family.  I don't know why, but I never really feel unloved on Christmas.  Something about the holiday, and listening to Christmas music, makes me feel like I am wrapped and cozy in a large, fuzzy, metaphorical blanket.

Actually, I much prefer Christmas Eve to Christmas...strange as that may sound.  Christmas is about gifts, traveling between parents' houses, and some form of traditional, gluttonous meal.  Christmas Eve is about being with the people I love.  We have lunch out, watch men struggle at the mall to find last minute presents for their wives/girlfriends/mothers/etc, go to church (which is really all about singing Christmas songs and being joyful), eat Chinese food, unwrap ONE present (traditionally jammies, but it's negotiable), set out cookies for Santa, and go to sleep: warm, loved, grateful, and happy. 

I will own that I had a brief moment of sadness...this Christmas was supposed to be different...and listening to the Christmas music briefly took me back to my daydreams in June and early July...what Christmas would be like with a new baby.  Charlotte was due December 5, though she would have been born at the end of November because she was to be a scheduled C-section.  She should have been here for Christmas.  A part of me isn't quite as excited this year, knowing that someone is missing...and will always be missing.  An inordinate number of Christmas songs are about birth and motherhood (rightfully so), which slightly tampers my enthusiasm...

...but still...

Christmas music is something to be thankful for.