Capture Your Grief--Days 1-4

October is pregnancy and infant loss awareness month.  Breast cancer gets all they hype, but this is my month, too.  So, one of the blogs I follow has a 31 day photo challenge in observance of this month.  She has a fabulous facebook page for it here...but I never announced on facebook and I'm too chicken to place my photos there.  So I'll post here.  I won't manage to do it every day, but hopefully by posting a few days at a time I'll manage to get them all...Here is the list of days:

Day 1 (10/1): Sunrise
I took this at the Outer Banks in 2010.  I was still mourning the loss of my first child and waiting for the start of my second, Mia.  I was in a dark place, and photography was the outlet I used to keep myself going and focused.  It was a helpful coping mechanism.I didn't fully grasp the symbolism at the time, but I have literally dozens of photos of sunrises from these months.  I think I was waiting for my new start.

 

Day 2 (10/2): Self-Portrait Before Loss

This was taken of Mike and me on the day we found out we were having a baby for the first time.  It was at the Magic Kingdom in Disney World, of all places.  That was when I still had the mindset that a positive pregnancy test would lead to a baby in 9 months.  Done deal.  I look and feel so different from that person now.  Whenever I look at this picture, I can't help but think, "I was pregnant then..."  It makes me kind of sad, and I don't look at these Disney pictures often for that reason.

 

Day 3 (10/3): Self-Portrait After Loss

This was taken about three weeks after Charlotte's birth and death.  I think it's important to note that I still smile.  It's hard.  Sometimes it feels forced.  Sometimes it feels wrong.  Sometimes I feel guilty.  Then there's Mia.  I have to smile for Mia.  If I've learned nothing else, I have to cherish my children for as long as I have them. I have to enjoy them every day.  I hope I will be enjoying them for every day of the rest of my life...but if not, I don't want to regret the happiness we didn't get to share.

 Day 4 (10/4): Treasured Items

I know I already shared this photo.  But I do treasure it.  It feels good to have a place where Charlotte can "live", so to speak.  I feel a sense of peace now that the special things that need a place have a place.  Her remains, her prints, her picture, and her angels...they have a protected place of importance now in my house.

 

My photo journey continues HERE