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Sunday, September 16, 2012

No logic in sadness

Logically, when you no longer need something, you put it away.  It stops taking up space in your life as you have no need of it, but you do have need of space.  Logically, this is how things work.  Sadness isn't logical.

I made the full transition to maternity clothes in early June.  I was three and a half months into my pregnancy, and, since it was my second, I was feeling huge.   I actually mentioned that I felt huge to my doctor at my appointment in early July, but she wasn't concerned.  That's neither here nor there.  The point is that I was pretty much only wearing maternity clothes at that point.

As a result, I cleaned out the top two drawers of my four drawer dresser to make room for said clothes.  I wanted them to be as easily accessible as possible, without me having to reach down when reaching down became difficult in the coming months.  It was incredibly logical...because I wasn't sad then.

When Charlotte died, I never put on another article of maternity clothing.  I just couldn't do it.  It was too hard, too emotional, too sad.  I lived in sweatpants and jersey dresses for the first month, because I couldn't fit into my other normal clothes, yet.  As I finished laundering the clothes I had been wearing in the last week before she died, I put them quietly away in the drawer...all of my lovely maternity clothes were shut into the drawers....almost entombed. 

They're still there.

Since I finished folding and putting away all of my clothes, I haven't opened either drawer.  I can't seem to make myself clean them out.  All of the clothes I'm currently wearing are squished into the bottom two drawers of my dresser, forcing me to basically do squats when I'm deciding what to wear.

Logically, I would put all the maternity clothes back in the laundry basket and back in my husband's office's closet, where they lived after Mia was born.  Logically I'd spread my clothes back into the top drawers and stop wasting that prime fashion storage real estate.  Logically that makes complete sense.

There is no logic in sadness.

If I take the maternity clothes out of the drawers, I'm admitting defeat.  I know that's not true, but that's how it (illogically) feels.  I'm just not ready to not need them any more, and I'm certainly not ready to ADMIT that I don't need them any more, so I'm leaving them where I would leave them if I did need them.  And that makes no sense.  I recognize that. 

I just realized the symbolism behind entombing my clothes.  We didn't have a burial for Charlotte.  As I've written before, no one else knew her like we did, so there was no memorial.  We have her ashes in an angel box in with her mementos.  Yet somehow I'm closing up my clothes as though to memorialize her.  Huh.

In addition, I'm desperate to believe that, once we're able to try to conceive again, it will happen quickly.  As I've written before, the belief system we've chosen makes it not only acceptable but NECESSARY for us to have another child.  If I put away the maternity clothes, it's like I'm accepting or admitting that it will take us a while to conceive again, like it did with Mia.  I'm not ready to accept or admit that.  I'm clinging by my bloody fingertips to the hope that we'll have another baby immediately, and I'll be able to feel like Charlotte's death had a larger purpose in my life than causing us pain and sadness.  We're choosing to believe that she's watching over us and her siblings....plural...and if we have struggles and heartache along the way, I'm afraid I won't be able to hold on to that belief....and if I can't hold on to that belief, I'm terrified of the waves of pure sadness and grief that will drown me.  The only reason I'm as ok as I am is that I BELIEVE that Charlotte's out there, protecting us.  If we're not protected... in the mean time I have clothes smooshed into the bottom drawers.  No, it's not logical.  It's just what I need because I'm still sad. 

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