I'm considering posting this on October 15th, Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance day:
I bought this postcard online HERE when I started to consider sharing this.
To be honest, I'm scared to share this. I'm not ashamed of Charlotte. I'm so very proud to be her mother. She is not a secret. She has a place of honor in my home that anyone close enough to me to enter my house would see.
And yet...
I never announced to the world that I was pregnant. I don't know why. I was scared. So it becomes very difficult to go back now and say that not only was I pregnant, I gave birth to a little girl who died.
I don't want people to think that I am doing this for attention. That isn't what I want. I know that seems a little hard to believe, considering my varied blog rants about no one caring about me, but it's the truth. I don't want or need the people I'm "friends" with to do or be anything.
So why would I post it? Mike wouldn't like it. So why would I post it? I have nothing to gain. So why would I post it? I don't have interest in the placating remarks of the people I know only tangentially on facebook. So why would I post it?
It's infant and pregnancy loss awareness day. Shouldn't I be brave enough to make people aware? Aren't I brave enough to say to the world that my baby girl existed? Isn't that the day, if I ever would, that I should be brave enough to say, "this happened to my family"?
There's a part of me who is bursting to say something...all the time. Some times the voice in my head is screaming, "ACKNOWLEDGE YOUR DAUGHTER." I haven't listened. I haven't told anyone new about Charlotte since the week after she died, when I told a few "friends" (see this post to see how well that went).
I don't know if I will or not. What do you think, silent people who may or may not read my blog?
Hi Kait,
ReplyDeleteI thought I should let you know I've been reading your blog for about a month now. I saw it posted on WTE and I've been addicted to the way you write. (I hope that's not creepy).
I'm so sorry for everything you went through. I can't say I understand, but I certainly do wish there was something I could do to help you. I hope it helps to know that I'm someone out there who does care enough to at least read how you're feeling. I have two little girls myself and your blog has reminded me over and over how important it is to hug them so close everyday. I wanted to thank you so much for that reminder of how important it is to cherish your children every single day, like you have both of your girls.
I ache for you with every post and i always wish do badly that I was able to do something to help. I'm listening.
Thank you, really, so very much. I keep telling myself that I'm just writing this for me, to have a place to say the things that the people in my life aren't equipped to listen to...but it's incredibly soothing and helpful to see a response like this and know that someone really does care. I feel so often let down by a lot of the people that are in my life, so it really helps to have a little, relatively anonymous boost like this. Thank you.
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