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Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, September 16, 2012

Should be....

Charlotte was born at 9:35pm on July 22, a Sunday.  It is currently exactly eight weeks later, 9:28.  In seven minutes, it will be exactly eight weeks.  Something about this number, eight, is overwhelming.  Can it really have been eight weeks already?  Didn't this just happen?  Wasn't I just pregnant?  Wasn't Charlotte alive yesterday?

Eight weeks. 

I'm so completely overwhelmed by what should be.  I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant today.  I should be wearing comfortable maternity clothes and rubbing my burgeoning belly.  I should be able to go pull out my doppler and listen to her little heart chugging along.  I should be happy.  I should be excited. I should be peaceful.  I should be...

I should be so many things.  I am so few.

I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant.  I am waiting for my first cycle to try again.

I should be wearing comfortable maternity clothes and rubbing my burgeoning belly.  I am wearing my pre-maternity clothes which still don't fit across my prematurely postpartum belly.

I should be able to go pull out my doppler and listen to her little heart chugging along.  I am sitting alone, in hollow silence, with the clack of the keys making a poor substitute for my daughter's heartbeat.

I should be happy.  I am lost and soggy in the swamp of my emotions.

I should be excited.  I am terrified and overwhelmed at the thought of starting over.

I should be peaceful.  I am haunted by what should have, could have, would have been.

I am...lost.

1 comment:

  1. Hi Kait, I've cried all weekend over my mc. It happened Friday. I was 8 weeks pregnant with my first. The innocence of pregnancy is gone. I'm painfully aware of the chances of mc now. My life will never be the same. Then I read your posts and I've cried even harder. I can't imagine what you are going through. I dont even know what to say since no words can really help. I only hope our babies are in Gods arms now, what better place to be? I am so so sorry!

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