Not so zen today.

I saw on facebook today that Sophie is either in the process of being or recently was born. Not feeling particularly zen about it. My heart hurts.

I'm finding it very hard that I can't talk to anyone about these feelings that I have. I just want someone to cry with.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends...because they're all her friends too, and they all want to be happy for baby Sophie and her mama. I want to be happy for them, too, but it hurts too much right now.

I can't talk to my husband about it, because when I talk about being sad with him, it makes him more sad, which makes me feel worse...and it spirals down from there.

I can't talk to my family, because I haven't talked to my family about any of this since the miscarriage back in October.

I feel completely and utterly alone in my heartbreak. I haven't felt this empty for a few months now. It's hard. I wish I wasn't broken.

Articles I like

I think, when and if anyone else tells me to just stop trying so hard, I'm going to refer them to this article:

Trying Too Hard

I wish I'd been able to forward this article to my friends and family back in October. People say stupid things.

Is that really necessary?

So, I'm inexplicably watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on Lifetime today...and I see about 72 commercials for "The Pregnancy Pact"...a movie about 15(ish) teenage girls who make a pact to all get pregnant at the same time. You know what's the most annoying thing about these commercials? After the third time seeing it, I found myself compelled to yell at the screen "It's not that damn easy to get pregnant!!" on each subsequent viewing. I mean, really, how did ALL those teenage girls manage to actually get pregnant that quickly and at the same time?! I've been trying for 3/4 of a year!

That's just inconvenient...

My husband is on a canoe trip with some of his friends today/tonight. He left early this morning, and will return sometime tomorrow afternoon. Now, I am NOT a clingy wife that wants "my man" around all the time. No, no, not at all...

HOWEVER

I failed to do the math prior to OKing this trip...because I ovulate this week. The goal is to "baby dance" once a day, every day during the week I "O". Now I've missed a day accidentally, and I know that if this month's a no, I'm going to wonder if it's because of this trip.

That's just plain inconvenient!

Apprehensions

My belly buddy is due any day now. There was a friend of mine who announced her pregnancy to our friends at the same time as me. She was just over a month behind me, but her pregnancy has progressed smoothly. Baby Sophie could arrive at any given moment. I am apprehensive about how I'll feel about this.

I had a really hard time seeing her in the months following my miscarriage. I sent her an email in February(ish) saying that I know I've been distant, but that I really was just happy for her...and that I was sorry if my sadness for myself made it hard to see that. I went to her baby shower (which was the weekend before what would have been my due date) last month, and I did ok...though I had to go outside at one point for a mini-breakdown...

So how will I feel when Sophie actually arrives? How will I feel when pictures of her are posted on facebook? How will I feel when all of our mutual friends are gushing about her? How will I feel when no one remembers that my arms are empty and that it's still hard for me?

I really want to be happy for Sophie's arrival...but I'm scared that I'm not strong enough for that. I know it's incredibly selfish...but I still hurt sometimes. This is really hard, and I don't know how I'll react to some things, and that unpredictability makes me very apprehensive.

I really want to be a mother, too.

Hmm...

So, for whatever reason, I felt compelled to become more active on the message boards again today. I hadn't been checking them much recently. My reactions to them are surprising me. It used to be that I turned to the boards when I was upset...when I wanted to share something I was thinking or feeling with other people who knew what I was going through...without judgment. Now...I don't know. I'm reading through people's stories...and I don't feel the need to cry. That's an unusual reaction from me.

Some people will think this is a good thing...it feels too weird to be good. It feels more like I'm numb, which doesn't make sense. I'm not sure why I feel the way I do right now.

I'm starting to feel like I can't get pregnant. I know that I WAS pregnant eight months ago (yup, it was that long ago) but I'm on my eighth cycle since then...and I think if I was to get a BFP this month I'd be more shocked than anything. I remember, back in August, when I found out about our first baby, I was in complete and total shock. I didn't believe it. I felt like I was lying when I told my family about it...I wasn't. When my husband mentioned something being "good for the baby" or "a symptom of pregnancy" I wanted to shush him, because it felt like it was make-believe...and now suddenly this whole trying to conceive process feels like make-believe, too. It's as though I'm a little girl playing with her dolls, not that I'm a grown, married woman. Have I lost faith in myself, or is this just how I was supposed to feel in the first place?

Don't really care...that's just weird.

Ever since mother's day (and strike number 7), I suddenly find myself not really caring. That's not true. It's not that I don't care, it's that it's not on the forefront of my mind. I haven't been temping. I'm not going within 10 feet of an ovulation stick. I really just am not thinking about it.

Here's the glitch: I can't decide if this is good or bad.

Good: I'm not as sad or emotional about it so far this month. I'm better able to handle the pregnant people and babies I see in my day to day life. My sex life is less stressed.

Bad: What if I'm missing something because I'm not paying attention? What if it ends up taking us longer since I'm not monitoring my ovulation days? Does this mean that I'm less excited as well?

*shrug* At least I'm not sad.