Apprehensions

My belly buddy is due any day now. There was a friend of mine who announced her pregnancy to our friends at the same time as me. She was just over a month behind me, but her pregnancy has progressed smoothly. Baby Sophie could arrive at any given moment. I am apprehensive about how I'll feel about this.

I had a really hard time seeing her in the months following my miscarriage. I sent her an email in February(ish) saying that I know I've been distant, but that I really was just happy for her...and that I was sorry if my sadness for myself made it hard to see that. I went to her baby shower (which was the weekend before what would have been my due date) last month, and I did ok...though I had to go outside at one point for a mini-breakdown...

So how will I feel when Sophie actually arrives? How will I feel when pictures of her are posted on facebook? How will I feel when all of our mutual friends are gushing about her? How will I feel when no one remembers that my arms are empty and that it's still hard for me?

I really want to be happy for Sophie's arrival...but I'm scared that I'm not strong enough for that. I know it's incredibly selfish...but I still hurt sometimes. This is really hard, and I don't know how I'll react to some things, and that unpredictability makes me very apprehensive.

I really want to be a mother, too.