Should be....

Charlotte was born at 9:35pm on July 22, a Sunday.  It is currently exactly eight weeks later, 9:28.  In seven minutes, it will be exactly eight weeks.  Something about this number, eight, is overwhelming.  Can it really have been eight weeks already?  Didn't this just happen?  Wasn't I just pregnant?  Wasn't Charlotte alive yesterday?

Eight weeks. 

I'm so completely overwhelmed by what should be.  I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant today.  I should be wearing comfortable maternity clothes and rubbing my burgeoning belly.  I should be able to go pull out my doppler and listen to her little heart chugging along.  I should be happy.  I should be excited. I should be peaceful.  I should be...

I should be so many things.  I am so few.

I should be almost 29 weeks pregnant.  I am waiting for my first cycle to try again.

I should be wearing comfortable maternity clothes and rubbing my burgeoning belly.  I am wearing my pre-maternity clothes which still don't fit across my prematurely postpartum belly.

I should be able to go pull out my doppler and listen to her little heart chugging along.  I am sitting alone, in hollow silence, with the clack of the keys making a poor substitute for my daughter's heartbeat.

I should be happy.  I am lost and soggy in the swamp of my emotions.

I should be excited.  I am terrified and overwhelmed at the thought of starting over.

I should be peaceful.  I am haunted by what should have, could have, would have been.

I am...lost.