Swimming somewhere

So...

I've been considering what to write for a few days. 

I've really enjoyed the last week with Mia.  I loved watching her open her presents. I loved getting to hold her on Christmas morning. I loved waking up and snugggling together while watching Sesame Street.  In so many ways I feel so lucky this last week. Mia is happy and healthy and so very wonderful.  I love her so much. 

I got to walk with her in the snow on Christmas Eve. I got to help her open her stocking. I got to help her leave out cookies for Santa. I got to dress her in her Christmas dress. I got to watch my favorite Christmas specials with her.  I got to enjoy all the best of the holidays with my little girl, and it was wonderful.

Dear God, I miss Charlotte.

There have been so many hard moments this last week.

At church on Christmas Eve, a girl sat in front of me with a small, purple, rhindstone butterfly barrette in her hair...and then the priest said something about loved ones who we wish were here with us this holiday but were in heaven...

It's been windy...but there were a couple of days when I didn't hear the chimes.

It was the testing week again. If this was our month, we could have gotten a positive test on Christmas day. I believed it this month. I think maybe I believe it every month...but I believed it so much. I thought...she'd come back to us...as least in part. I thought I'd get to feel her with us on Christmas.

It's a no for this month.  I'm so tired.

I feel guilty for being sad...being upset. I know I am blessed in so many ways. I have the most amazing, perfect, smart little girl...and I lost the most amazing, perfect little girl. How do you feel when you have everything and you've lost everything at the same time?

I'm going to attempt to start pulling my head out of the sand today.  It scares me...but I think the world may be starting to notice that, in everything except Mia, I've just been treading water since July. I'm mot sure where I'll swim to...but I think I have to move.  At least I hear the chimes today.

Wish me luck...and love. I can always use more love.

Shopping for Charlotte

We finally did Charlotte's Christmas shopping today.  It was hard, but in a good way.  We got a baby swing, two blankets (purple with butterflies), four pairs of jammies (again, with butterflies), a pink monkey lamaze toy, a pink butterfly rattle, and a portable butterfly mobile. We're going to donate it all to a local charity soon.

I cried...a lot...but I'm happy that we're remembering our girl like this.  It was windy today, so I heard the windchimes all day.  I think that means she approves.

Merry Christmas Charlotte--Momma and Daddy love you.

Christmas Preparations

I'm finally, officially, on winter break...thank the Lord.  I've been looking forward to the next few days with such anticipation for weeks, now.

Tomorrow afternoon Mike and I are having a date day.  My parents are coming over to watch the Meemers, and Mike and I are going out...just the two of us.  The last time we did this was two weeks before Charlotte was born.  I'm not kidding.  ...well, there was the 45 minutes we went out together to pick up her ashes...but that doesn't count, I don't think.  We're going to go have lunch together (at one of the new places in Stonebridge), we're going to go do stocking stuffer shopping at Target, and we're going to do Charlotte's Christmas shopping.  I know we waited a little too long for that, and it's not quite a date day activity, but I'm still looking forward to it.  Finding the positives.

Tomorrow night we're going to make Christmas cookies and watch Christmas movies.  Mike's never made Christmas cookies with me before...and, while I don't think he'll REALLY enjoy it, I think he'll enjoy the spirit of it.  Mia will get her first chance to sneak some cookie dough. :-)  I need to remember to take pictures with my real camera, not just my cell phone.

Sunday afternoon we're having lunch in Occoquan (a cute little town chock-full of little independent businesses) and going to the Golden Goose to pick out Christmas ornaments and a new piece for my village.  This is always one of my favorite things to do during the Christmas season...everything just feels so full of expectation and excitement.

Sunday evening we're going to see the Bull Run Festival of Lights. We've done this the last 5-7 years or so.  Mike doesn't always get to go, but we've scheduled it for when he's not working this year.  We're going to be turning Mia's car seat around for the occasion so that she can see all of the fun lights as we drive through.

Monday is Christmas Eve, which is actually my favorite holiday.  It's all about family, and being with the people you love, and being grateful and peaceful.  I want to try to go have lunch near the mall...to see all the men panicking and doing last minute shopping for their wives.  I may or may not get to go to church with my parents, and then everyone is coming back to our house to get Chinese food.  That's one of our family traditions, since restaurants used to close on Christmas Eve.  As the sanctity of holidays has wandered, other restaurants are now open on Christmas Eve, too...but we'll stick with Chinese.

And then Tuesday is Christmas.  We get to do presents at home first...stockings and Santa and our gifts and all of that.  Then we're going over to my family's house for a few hours...more stockings and gifts and brunch.  Then we're going to Mike's parents house in the evening...again, more presents and Christmas dinner.

Oh, and Mike's birthday is Wednesday....so I'm going to be (at some point) planning and executing a special meal for him, complete with chocolate cake/cupcakes, as they're his favorite. 

In the midst of all of this, it's also the week when we would find out if we got pregnant this cycle.  I'm a little worried that if it's a no it will put a huge damper on my mood.  I'm trying really hard not to think about that, as I'm still in the foolishly optimistic phase that I go through every month at about this time, but in the back of my head I'm worried.  Luckily, I won't know for SURE that it's a no until next weekend...so I'll get through Christmas with at least a shred of hope.  I'm really hopeful that I'll be able to give Mike a REALLY good Christmas gift, but it seems like as soon as I start envisioning that things go downhill, so I'm trying to put it out of my mind.

I'm so excited for Mia to experience all of this.  I know we're in for a VERY busy few days coming up, and I know we're in for some overtired, overstimulated meltdowns along the way, but the best part of these holidays, for me, are watching my daughter do all of this for the first time.  She sort of gets it now.  She knows who Santa is.  She realizes that she's seeing her family members more often.  She gets that we're excited.  She can eat the cookies.  She can unwrap the presents...

...how wonderful and amazing is that??

Feeling grateful

My daughter is amazing. It's very tempting sometimes to simply sulk and be angry and withdraw...but my daughter...she's wonderful.

My heart just hurts with love for her. I know that sounds super cliche, but that doesn't mean it isn't true. Sometimes I just feel desperate to hold her and snuggle her and not let go. She's been growing up too fast since the day she was born, but I'm so proud of her every day.

So grateful for her today. I'm grateful for her every day, but some days overwhelm me. I will never take my child for granted.

Really?

Got this in the mail today. Really, Enfamil? Did you not get the memo? Bah.

Calendars

My sister makes a photo calendar every year with pictures of her kids and Mia, listing everyone's birthdays and anniversaries and such.

She called to ask for pics of Mia for next year's calendar.  So as I sifted through the many, many pictures of Mia, I got to July. Just for a second, I considered sending a picture of Charlotte for the calendar.

The thing is, only my mom has ever asked to see her pictures. My dad and Kris looked at one or two of the cell phone pics right after she was born...but not the others. So, yeah, I don't think she's going on the calendar.  I don't think it would occur to anyone that she might belong there.

I also considered requesting that her birthday, July 22 be added as one of the dates...but again, I don't think anyone else gets why it should be there...if they did, they would do it without prompting. If they don't...well if they don't then I don't want it on there...her birthday should be remembered by people who want to love and remember her.

This sounds like I've already resigned myself to being disappointed.  I know some people won't understand why I don't just insist on putting her birthday in the calendar...but I have a desire to guard it against people who don't remember or care about my Charlotte...so I'll wait and see.

Meh

Lonely. Nothing else to say that I haven't already said.