Coping strategy #2...that's not good.

So, as the photos of the not-my-baby proliferate on facebook, I've come up with a second strategy to cope with my emotions...cookie dough. That can't be good. Luckily, strategy #1 is working out, so the two strategies somewhat negate one another.

*sigh* I'm an idiot. Testing in a week. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

Already...

Someone needs to explain to me how I justify the wasted money of testing so early every month. OK, granted, I only spend $1 per test, but it's only 3 dpo, and I'm already testing. Every day. Not only that, I actually test a few days after AF...just in case. I read an article once about how very few women have implantation bleeding that is very similar to a normal AF, so I test for that, too...just in case.

Who does that?

That's because you're an idiot.

For whatever reason, I've been going through the last week thinking this cycle started on the 16th. It took me until five minutes ago when I realized I was off by two days! That doesn't seem like much, but two days of baby dancing makes a HUGE difference. I'm an idiot.

I also was just reading through some of my old entries, and I realized that I wandered between thinking this is cycle 7 or 8...ok, let's break it down.

Dec 7--First AF (stands for Aunt Frannie) after miscarriage
Dec 27--BFN on Cycle 1 (and all kinds of scariness which I may elaborate on at some point.)
Jan 17--BFN on Cycle 2
Feb 19--Chemical Pregnancy on Cycle 3
Mar 19--BFN on Cycle 4
April 16--BFN on Cycle 5
May 14--BFN on Cycle 6
June 11--We'll see about cycle 7

OK, so I'm on cycle 7. It'll be my 8th AF, but it's my 7th cycle of TTC. Good to know.

Things I needed today...

I love to watch The Biggest Loser when I work out. It motivates me. Also, while I am not THAT overweight, I have similar emotions as a LOT of what the contestants say when they're doing the quasi-breakdowns and soul searching...it's good.

Now, I watch these episodes on OnDemand (yay Fios), so I'm several episodes behind. Yeah, I know the finale was this week. Anyways, back in episode ONE of this season, when Stephanie said "I've never been in love..." (PS-I feel like I looked like Stephanie a bit, and I really really identified with her.) I decided that I wanted her to get together with Sam. BL is NOTORIOUS for matchmaking, as the contestants are all similarly focused and bond over their goals. So, when I watched Sam get kicked off tonight, and they're doing the where are they now segment, Sam and Stephanie are living together in LA! How wonderful is that??

I really needed this today. When I saw the post about Sophie's birth, and I totally spiraled from zen to dark abyss, I wasn't able to pull myself out of it by myself. I'm really happy that I was able to find a way out of it through sweat (did I mention that I was working out for the entire hour and forty-five minutes of the show?) and happy endings.

...still very jealous, still want my OWN baby, and still very sad about what I lost, but I've gotten a little zen back.

Not so zen today.

I saw on facebook today that Sophie is either in the process of being or recently was born. Not feeling particularly zen about it. My heart hurts.

I'm finding it very hard that I can't talk to anyone about these feelings that I have. I just want someone to cry with.

I don't feel like I can talk to my friends...because they're all her friends too, and they all want to be happy for baby Sophie and her mama. I want to be happy for them, too, but it hurts too much right now.

I can't talk to my husband about it, because when I talk about being sad with him, it makes him more sad, which makes me feel worse...and it spirals down from there.

I can't talk to my family, because I haven't talked to my family about any of this since the miscarriage back in October.

I feel completely and utterly alone in my heartbreak. I haven't felt this empty for a few months now. It's hard. I wish I wasn't broken.

Articles I like

I think, when and if anyone else tells me to just stop trying so hard, I'm going to refer them to this article:

Trying Too Hard

I wish I'd been able to forward this article to my friends and family back in October. People say stupid things.

Is that really necessary?

So, I'm inexplicably watching Grey's Anatomy reruns on Lifetime today...and I see about 72 commercials for "The Pregnancy Pact"...a movie about 15(ish) teenage girls who make a pact to all get pregnant at the same time. You know what's the most annoying thing about these commercials? After the third time seeing it, I found myself compelled to yell at the screen "It's not that damn easy to get pregnant!!" on each subsequent viewing. I mean, really, how did ALL those teenage girls manage to actually get pregnant that quickly and at the same time?! I've been trying for 3/4 of a year!