Ok, ok, I hear you!

So...windy day today. I was just thinking about Charlotte and listening to the wind chimes...and for some reason I felt a desire to sit on the couch and listen to the wind chimes for few minutes...I thought about putting up the windchime for Chris so that I could hear them together. I sat there for a good half hour, just thinking...and when I finally stopped because I couldn't put of working out any longer, I, for some reason, felt a desire to check the app of the day from Amazon...and it was a field guide to identifying butterflies. Wow. Seriously?

Okay baby. I get the hint. You're near.

I love you, angel girl.

Weak day

Mike returns to work today. I'm scared. As with being a military wife, as a police wife you know your husband has a dangerous job. Of course you know...still, you try not to think about it. Days like today, though...

I want to beg him to stay home. I want to lock the doors, lower the blinds, and just shut out the world and the danger.

I would be a horrible widow. Robin has had such strength and grace through this week. She gave dignity to her husband's funeral and burial. I admire and respect her more than I could express...and I know that I would not have strength, grace, or dignity.

If you read this, please say a prayer for Robin and for me. Bring her peace, and bring my husband home.

someone to take care of Charlotte

A friend of Mike's died this week. It's been a rough week for him and for me as well. In going through the process with him of dealing with the loss, I realized that I would really like it if this person would watch out for Charlotte, to take care of her. So, yesterday, the morning of the funeral I asked for some kind of sign to know he really is taking care of her and caring for her and with her somewhere. During the course of the funeral, one of his friends was telling stories about him and person that he was, and he told the story of how this man stood in uniform at the grave of an infant that had died in order to give comfort to a grieving mother who didn't want her baby to be alone. Of all the stories he could have chosen, he shared this one at the funeral...I guess I have to believe he's taking care of my little girl now.

Going home

I'm in the process of trying to write down all of the beautiful and painful and inspiring and awful moments of the last few days...but as it did with Charlotte, it will take me some time to get it all down.  

I'm realizing now that maybe a part of my mourning for Chris was also a mourning for my daughter.  Charlotte had no ceremonies, no words spoken, no grave to visit, no flowers bought.  I think going through this process of mourning for Chris also took me through the process for my daughter, in a way I never got before.  Maybe.

In the mean time, I want to share the song "Going Home."  I've heard it played several times the last few days...and it breaks my heart a little each time.  Here are the lyrics, and a video of it being played.  

To be fair...no one likes bagpipes.  But I think, in this circumstance (and only this circumstance) they are the only instrument that would work.

Lyrics: "GOING HOME"(Antonin Dvorak)    

Going home, going home,
I'm a going home.
Quiet-like, some still day,
I'm just going home.
It's not far, just close by,
Through an open door.
Work all done, care laid by,
Going to fear no more.
Mother's there, expecting me,
Father's waiting too.
Lots of folk gathered there,
All the friends I knew.
Nothing's lost, all's gain,
No more fear or pain,
No more stumbling by the way,
Going to roam no more.

Saddest Radio Call

This call is made for every fallen officer. This one was a friend.
Officer Yung - End of Watch

Chris Yung through my eyes

Another death

Mike's friend died yesterday. He was a motorcycle cop, and he was in an accident. He died.

He had a little girl and two little boys at home. His wife is all alone.

He was a really, really nice guy. I don't fit in well with the police wives, but he always acted happy to see me. He was kind and generous and so sweet. He was always smiling, always laughing.

I am sad today on so many levels.

The world lost a really good man. The world will be a little darker and colder without him in it.  He didn't have to be a cop...he had money. He CHOSE to be an officer. He didn't have to ride bikes, but he CHOSE to do it because he was an amazing driver and he loved it.

Sweet little kids lost a really great dad. He was a good dad. He loved his kids. 24 hours ago he kissed them goodbye just like any other day. Now he's gone. No more bedtime stories. No more kisses.

A wonderful, strong woman has lost her husband. I can so easily put myself in her place, and I don't know how I would breathe.  I'm praying she has  the support that I so wanted in July. I don't know what I would do. In an entirely selfish way, I'm consumed with my own fear, terrified that it could happen to me...and I don't think I'd be strong enough to survive it.

My husband has lost his good friend. Mike doesn't trust or care easily. There are very few people he feels he can really talk to, open up to. I'm so incredibly sad that he lost one of them.

The world stopped for me and my family again yesterday, as it did for every law enforcement family...and the rest of the world, the world he died to protect, they went to their new year's eve parties.  The world is unfair, and I don't understand. I just don't.

I can find meaning and purpose in Charlotte's death. I can see a larger plan. I can't find meaning here. 

I'm sad...so sad.