The pudge mask

I'm not the most svelte person on the planet...hello understatement.  That being said, I'm not grossly overweight or obese.  I do, however, have this annoying icky pudge on my lower abdomen...it's been there for as long as I can remember.  I think I got it before I knew how to take care of myself and/or exercise...and it's simply never gone away.  So now, when I'm desperate for a baby bump, I have a pudge mask.  If I poke my pudge, it's harder, and you can feel that there's something underneath it, but I look pretty much the same.  My belly has grown, but it doesn't look like a baby belly...it looks like my same old pudge.  I'm disgruntled that my pudge is masking my chicklet.  He's right there!!  Is it so wrong that I want other people to see it?  That being said, I turn fourteen weeks tomorrow, and I haven't told (or had to tell) anyone at work yet.  I guess that's the positive side of the pudge?

Making a big deal...

So, a friend recently told me that I'm downplaying everything too much...I don't like making a big deal about my pregnancy symptoms, I get embarrassed when people talk about the baby, and I'm just generally trying to keep my emotions in check.  I know that this is a huge, big deal to me, but women are pregnant all the time, and it's not the center of everyone else's worlds.  That being said, I'm still having problems with reactions.  People are taking my downplayed attitude as though I'm not excited and I don't want people to say even congratulations.  That's not it.  At all.  So what should I be doing?  Should I scream it from the mountain tops and beg people to be happy for me?  Should I keep on the same path and just take everything as it comes? 

I just don't understand...how can people (especially people who know my past and what I've gone through) not be excited for me?  And, really, if not excited, at least congratulatory.  I went through a massive heartbreak and then almost a year of trying to have a baby.  Now, when I actually AM having a baby, when everything is actually going well, and when it looks like I may actually get to meet this child, people won't share my happiness?

Maybe it's my own fault, in part.  When I went through the miscarriage (it's hard to write that, I'm not going to lie), I didn't want to talk about it.  I am a ridiculously private person when it comes to my emotions and my body, and I just didn't have the energy to talk about it.  I think people took that to mean that I didn't want to talk about anything....ever.  I don't know. 

If you know me, and you're reading this, please....please just be happy and enthusiastic for me, ok? 

So close....

I am only three days from the second trimester...I'm so very close...This week has me a little freaked out, though.  Last time, I was at 12 weeks 5 days (read: today) when I started spotting, 12 weeks 6 days when I had the ultrasound to confirm it, and 13 weeks 0 days when I had my D&C.  I know it's incredibly supersticious, but something about the next three days really freaks me out.  I remember having that same feeling of relaxing...feeling that the coming of the second trimester meant that I could stop worrying, at least to an extent...and then it go worse.  I'm really hopeful that when I hit 13 weeks 0 days with no spotting, and hearing the heartbeat, it'll seem ok.  I would love to stop worrying so much.  I haven't even told most people yet.  Even some of my family members don't know.  It seems silly, and yet it terrifies me to tell people...last time I told people about a week before I had to un-tell them.  I know it was just coincidence, but it still scares me.  *sigh*  So close...

It just wears off so fast!

So, thank GOD I have the fetal doppler (aka heartbeat monitor).  I have minor panic attacks at least once daily that Chicklet's just going to suddenly stop living...I don't know why, I just do.  So, I've been listening to Chicklet's little heartbeat at LEAST once a day to reassure myself that he's doing fine.  I just wish that sense of "aaaah....he's ok" would last longer than an hour!

Oh, thank God!

Chicklet---9weeks1day

Chicklet's OK!  We FINALLY had our ultrasound today, and he seems to be just about perfect!  He's measuring RIGHT on track (actually measured a day ahead, but she said they would keep the due date at May 16) with a heart rate of 171 beats/minute.  I'm so ridiculously relieved...I held my breath until we saw the little flickering of the heart. 

PS--I say he, but we have no idea what the actual gender is...we figure, if he turns out to be a girl, she'd probably prefer "he" to "it" just like we do. :-)

Send To Phone

Nervous

My ultrasound's tomorrow at 11am.  I'm a little nervous about it.  The only other experience I have with ultrasound was last year when they told me my baby didn't have a heartbeat....traumatic to say the least.  If I hadn't been able to listen to the heartbeat intermittently over the last four days, I would have had a panic attack by now. 

Here's the scary part: 
My ultrasound last year, the bad one, was on October 12.
Tomorrow is October 12.
My ultrasound was at some place 20-30 miles away, even though there are closer places.
My appointment tomorrow is in the same place.

The coincidence of this nonsense is freaking me out a bit.

Oh wow!!!

So, last time I was pregnant, I bought a fetal doppler...a little wand you use to hear the baby's heartbeat.  See, at my first doctor's appointment, the doctor said she heard the heartbeat...but I couldn't.  I only heard my own.  I had a meltdown in the car on the way home.  Poor Mike, in an effort to make me feel better, let me buy my OWN doppler online....never did hear the heartbeat last time.

Fast forward to now.  I'm currently 8weeks 4days preggo.  I've been using the doppler for about 5 minutes a day, just in case.  (I'm a HUGE fan of just in case)  So, tonight, I'm getting ready to call it quits, when I toot.  Yeah, yeah, silly and gross....BUT....when that gas left my tummy, I heard a little rumble...so I waited, and reangled....and I heard it!!! I heard Chicklet's heartbeat!!  He's ALIVE!!!!!  It sounds JUST like it's supposed to sound and, while it's still super-faint (he's only a raspberry, for crying out loud!), it was really clear!  SOOOOOO unbelievably excited.  I think I'm more excited now than I was when I got my positive pregnancy test. 

THIS IS IT!!!  I'm going to be a mama!!!  :-) :-) :-) :-)