So, I'm mostly accepted the fact that I'm pregnant. Whoa. Weird to write that.
HOWEVER....
I can't quite shake my fear that this is going to turn chemical or end in an early miscarriage at any given second. I'm focusing on relaxing and being as calm and non-stressed as possible...but MAN I want this. I want this SO bad. It's hard not to worry about it.
Friday, September 3, 2010
Thursday, September 2, 2010
Testing, testing
Taken many test in the last few days. Not going to display the internet cheapies, but here's a series of first response tests. The one on the right is from two days ago, the one in the center is from yesterday, and the one on the left is from today....notice how the line is getting darker??
This one here is also from this afternoon:
PS--MASSIVE back pain tonight. Ow. I'll take it though! :-)
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
Sooo....
Feeling REALLY good about this cycle. :-)
Send To Phone
I'm currently trying NOT to get my hopes up....I'd only be 3 weeks 2 days, so I don't want to believe it yet....but it looks good! This was a FRER, not an internet cheapie test, so.....seriously, it looks good!
Monday, August 30, 2010
Over-testing as a coping mechanism
A friend recently helped me to realize the extent to which my over-testing is in fact a thinly veiled coping mechanism. Allow me to explain....
1. I start testing at 4-5 dpo, which is ridiculous. It's not even possible to get a positive that early. It's simply not. That means, when I see a big fat negative, it's not really a bad thing. It's SUPPOSED to be negative. In that was I allow myself to be OK with seeing negative tests.
2. After 8dpo, the threshold at which I might actually see a positive, I start testing twice a day. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I start two-a-days even earlier than that. As I get closer to the definitive yes or no answer, I take twice as many tests, and see twice as many negatives. It's almost as though I'm building up an immunity to disappointment.
3. As I cross the threshold of 11-13 days post ovulation, the time in which I really SHOULD see something if there were something to see, I've seen so many negatives already that it's no big shock. At the same time, each additional negative test brings my hope down just a little lower.
4. When AF actually rings the doorbell, I'm expecting it, because I've had 3,536 negative tests. At that point, I'm almost GLAD that AF has shown up so that I can start on the next month, all fresh and shiny.
So you see, over-testing isn't just an addiction. It's a (relatively) logical answer to depression and a coping mechanism for repeated failure to conceive.
PS--am currently at 7.5 dpo, and am firmly on step two of the coping plan for this month. I'm not going to lie, I'd really love to skip steps three and four.
1. I start testing at 4-5 dpo, which is ridiculous. It's not even possible to get a positive that early. It's simply not. That means, when I see a big fat negative, it's not really a bad thing. It's SUPPOSED to be negative. In that was I allow myself to be OK with seeing negative tests.
2. After 8dpo, the threshold at which I might actually see a positive, I start testing twice a day. I'm not going to lie, sometimes I start two-a-days even earlier than that. As I get closer to the definitive yes or no answer, I take twice as many tests, and see twice as many negatives. It's almost as though I'm building up an immunity to disappointment.
3. As I cross the threshold of 11-13 days post ovulation, the time in which I really SHOULD see something if there were something to see, I've seen so many negatives already that it's no big shock. At the same time, each additional negative test brings my hope down just a little lower.
4. When AF actually rings the doorbell, I'm expecting it, because I've had 3,536 negative tests. At that point, I'm almost GLAD that AF has shown up so that I can start on the next month, all fresh and shiny.
So you see, over-testing isn't just an addiction. It's a (relatively) logical answer to depression and a coping mechanism for repeated failure to conceive.
PS--am currently at 7.5 dpo, and am firmly on step two of the coping plan for this month. I'm not going to lie, I'd really love to skip steps three and four.
Saturday, August 28, 2010
Fighting bitterness
So, yet another of my friends has announced her pregnancy today. I knew this one was coming, but it doesn't make seeing ultrasound pictures on facebook any easier. She and her husband were trying for approximately three and a half minutes...or at least, that's the way it feels to me. I'm having a hard time not being bitter at the apparent ease of her fertility. What's the deal with us? Why are we the ones who are dealing with all the struggles and seemingly endless disappointment? Sometimes life really seems unfair. Is it so wrong that I want to be someone's mother?
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Is it 8 days yet?
Currently at 4dpo....hating it. The 2ww is always awful. On the bright side, this one is going by slightly faster...since I'll be testing the week I have to go back to school, which I am dreading more than I'm looking forward to 8dpo, the strange time-warp that is my relative perception is going very quickly right now. If I get a positive, I'll be more than happy to go back and teach, thank you. :-)
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Last 2WW of the summer
Wow. I'm now two days into my last two week wait of the summer. Time flies by way too fast sometimes. I plan to test for "real" starting on Monday, which puts me at 8 dpo...it'd be nice to start the school year off with a positive, so that I have something to look forward to. *sigh(
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