Yeah, not so much.

So, that's it for cycle 8. Damn it. Both Mike and I really felt like this was it...it just seemed RIGHT. I guess not. So, if it happens in cycle 9, according to all the due date calculators I'll be due LITERALLY the same day as I was due the last time...I swear, fate is just laughing at me. Oh well. Fingers crossed for cycle 9. Ready, set, go.

Not feeling well...good or bad?

Still waiting, currently on CD30. Last 3 days I've felt really bad at night...nauseous, heartburn, rumbly...and I don't know whether or not to be happy about this. If I get my BFP, I welcome symptoms like these with open arms. Last time I had few symptoms, except for a craving/aversion combo (I craved one thing and had extreme aversion to anything else except that one thing...and it changed every hour or two.) I'd love to have the traditional morning (or night, in this case) sickness, the sore boobies (I have that, too), the heartburn...it'd help to convince me that it's real...that is, IF it's real. I'm concerned right now that it's NOT real, and I'm therefore just sick. Is it stress? Anxiety? Too many of the seasonal cherries? A product of my recent brie obsession?? I've been checking myself, and my cervix is still nice and closed, not like it is before AF. I also read an article that said only about 40% of women actually get their BFPs before their missed periods...and my last cycle was 30 days, so...fingers crossed? I hope I can be happy about my heartburn tomorrow.

I'll take that as a maybe.

I am not good about talking about these things with my husband. Therefore, when AF comes, I just say "It's a no for this month." I don't need to tell him the details. So, in theory, if I was on a 28 day cycle, I'd be getting AF tomorrow...I tested tonight, as is my norm, and I got the best maybe-sorta-shadow-of-a-possible-line-if-I-squint-my-eyes that I've gotten since the chemical that we had four or five months ago. So, as I told my husband, "It's a maybe for this month." I'd been getting down on this month over the last couple of days, but now I'm back to cautiously optimistic...I hope that's a good thing...it's suck if that optimism bit the dust tomorrow.

God's answer to my petition??

So, today was an interesting day. It was apparently pregnant women's day at the grocery store this morning. I was going to a party tonight, and I needed to buy stuff to make a fruit salad. I've never seen so many pregnant women in one place at once....and anyone NOT pregnant had an infant or toddler with them. What's the deal??

So then I go to the party tonight...and Sophie's there. For anyone who's not up with the blog, Sophie is a month old baby whose mother announced her pregnancy at the same time as me last September, when she was one month in and I was 2.5 months in. Sophie's been my ghost...it's like watching the child that would have been...she's even half Asian like my Seamonkey was. Anyways, so Sophie's there. Hadn't met her before.

I was doing ok, and even holding my own better than I thought I would (safely across the party from Sophie), when someone who knows my history said something to me...it was little, and it was meant to be supportive, but it cut through my tenuous hold on control like a hot knife through butter. So I excused myself to the bathroom before anyone noticed...except for the person who said the thing in the first place...to calm myself down before I got really upset and/or started crying. And then she FOLLOWED ME. OK, really? Obviously saying something to me didn't work out so well, so you're really going to follow me to the bathroom and make me talk about it more while locked in a small room?! So, yeah, I started crying, and it was stupid and made me feel like an idiot...I'm glad no one else noticed (I hope). I hung out in the bathroom until my eyes stopped being red.

So, God, was this the answer to my petition? If so, what was it? Were you saying that you're mad at me and that you want me to suffer? Were you showing me hope through the pregnant women and Sophie? Were you trying to make me break down the walls I'm building around my emotional swamp? Or was it all just coincidence? Please, God, can I have a baby now?

Petition to God.

So, I was reading Eat, Pray, Love for my book club last week, and there was a piece about writing a petition to God, then mentally asking everyone to sign it. At the time when I read this I thought it was silly...now, as it gets closer to the end of cycle 8, I find myself doing it....so here's my petition to God. Feel free to sign it. Most of the people I know have already signed it in my head, but hey, every little bit helps!

Dear God,
I know I've made a lot of mistakes in my life. I know I haven't always been the best person that I can be. I'm sorry for that. I know I've asked for a lot of things over the years, some important and some not. I don't know why you wanted me to go through what we went through, or why you chose to take our seamonkey from us. I was mad at you about that for a long time. Now I'm just tired, and I'm starting to lose faith. I don't want to do that, God.
I want to be a mother. I want to make Mike a father. I want to share this love that we have with a new life. I know that we will make mistakes as parents, and I know that it's hard, but please just give us a chance. We have so much love to share. I want so badly to feel his child growing inside me, to feel special, to share happiness. This thing that I want will bring happiness to many people, God, so please, help us.
Thank you.
Respectfully,
me

Feeling pessimistic...wait, I have time!!

So, a part of my process in this whole thing is that I test early, and I test often, and the closer we get to AF, the less hope I have. That way, when AF shows, my hope is already diminished, so I'm not as crushed as I would otherwise be. OK, AF isn't due until Sunday, which makes today six days before my missed period, but for some reason today has made me kindof pessimistic. I don't want to be pessimistic yet! I've had REALLY good feelings about this month, plus the psychic said it was this month (not that I believe in that, but still...), and....I'm just READY. I don't WANT to be pessimistic yet! :-(

Mind games, take 8.

You would think I'd learn. No, no, no. I'm just not that fast of a learner. Here I am, a week from AF, and I'm starting the mind games with myself again. I'm testing twice a day using the el cheapo tests, and I'm staring at each of them for a good five minutes...just in case. My idiotic optimism is once again overriding my good sense, and I keep thinking this is the time, the line will be there, I swear there's a shadow of a shadow of a shadow of a line...or maybe it really is just a shadow, let me move to better light....but this light is coming through a screen, so is that a shadow or a line...

Hopefully the eighth take will be the best one, and we can put this film to print. Oy.