Ah...there it is.

So, apparently I just had a 30 day cycle for no apparent reason. Still planning to test tomorrow, just in case (I'm a big fan of just in case), but at least I know what the deal is now. On to cycle 8...I grow tired of this activity.

Still...

Still nothing.
Still frustrated.
Still waiting.
Still trying to be pessimistic.
Still fighting hope.
Still on cycle 7...30 days later.

Now what?

So, after the mc, my cycles wandered from 3 to 5 weeks in length...but the last three have all been EXACTLY 28 days, even starting at the same TIME of day in exactly the same way....ok, it's the 28th day...now what? I've been testing every single morning...BIG no every time. So I accepted the inevitable, "OK, this isn't the month...let's move on." ...and no AF. Unfortunately, this gives me undue hope, and I know that when she eventually DOES rear her ugly head, I'll be more crushed than I would have been if she'd just shown up on time. Hope, in this case, is not a good thing.

That's reason #2 of why I test early...there's a time between 3 days before AF and 2 days before AF when my hope starts to dim. Every negative just brings it down a little bit more...it gets to the point that, when AF does actually show, it's almost a relief. It means that I get to try again. I need that hope to fade so that I'm not CRUSHED...and being late just gets my hopes up. Not good....because I start thinking about last time. Last time, I didn't test until 5 days AFTER my period was due...I was on birth control, so it didn't really SERIOUSLY cross my mind until four days later...and then I waited another day, just in case. So then I start thinking to myself...maybe it just takes a long time for the HCG to work its way from my blood to my urine...maybe I'm just one of those people who has a harder time with the POAS tests...maybe tomorrow will be my positive...maybe a lot of things.

...trying VERY hard to be pessimistic. I need to protect myself.

How many and how much?

I was one of those people who watched Titanic in the theater several (read:many) times. Whenever I told someone the exact number, they always wanted to try to figure out either how long I sat in the theater, or how much money I spent on tickets...

So now for the conception version of this party game. It's called "How many and how much?" I'm on my 7th cycle...for each cycle, I've gone through 15-40 internet cheapies, worth approximately $.50 each. I also have taken at LEAST two FRER tests with each cycle, worth $4-5 each. With my cycle that turned chemical, I think I went through about 15 FRERs...not good.

Numbers first:
averaging 25 ICs/cycle x 7 cycles = 175 ICs
averaging 2 FRERs/cycle x 7 cycles = 14 FRERs
additional FRERs (cycle 3) = 12
Approximate number of tests taken = 200

Cost second:
175 ICs x $.50 = $62.50
26 FRERs x $4.50 = $117
Approximate total cost = $180

...wow.

I should probably feel guilty about that...

I had brunch with some friends today, and mimosas were the drink of the day. Now, I'm at about 10-11 (ish) dpo, and it's possible to be preggo at this point and still be testing negative...I should probably feel guilty about drinking today...but I don't. You see, I'm usually, by the end of a cycle, feeling like a moron because I cut back on all the bad stuff "just in case" when there was no case...so, if all my friends were going to have mimosas, I was going to have mimosas too!

There's a part of me that's kindof goading fate...like, haha fate, you won't let me get knocked up, I'm going to drink...so spite me by giving me a baby! Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, so I suppose that'll have to do!

A List of Imagined Symptoms

1. My nose...it's suddenly good again. That was one of my most pronounced pregnancy symptoms the first time around. I stuck my head in my husband's office this afternoon, and I could smell his cologne PAINFULLY clearly...did I mention that he's exceedingly stingy with cologne?
2. My chest...it doesn't HURT exactly...but that's not normal. Seriously.
3. Cramps...it's 3-4 days early to be AF cramps, and it's actually supposed to be a GOOD sign this early.
4. TIRED. Took a 3 hour nap on Tuesday, sleep-walked through most of Wednesday, and went to bed at 9 last night. Am currently exhausted.
5. TMI, but take my word for it, it's a good sign.

So, am I imagining things again? Probably. But at least I care again! Haven't cared too much in the last cycle and a half!
:-)

I think I'm just lazy...

So yesterday after school (teacher, not student), I lay on my couch to read for a few minutes, and I fell asleep for about three hours. There's a part of me that wants to count that (and the cookie dough that was my dinner) as an exceedingly early pregnancy symptom...I can't even legitimately test for another week or so...so, yeah, right.

I think I'm just lazy. This happens to me every month. I get psycho-somatic symptoms for pregnancies that don't exist. I'm extra tired and take a nap (that's just lazy), or I have a craving for cookie dough/salsa/cheese/whatever (I'm just piggy), or my chest hurts (from chest presses with free weights and/or from poking myself to see if I'm sore)....all kinds of fictional nonsense.

The two-week-wait is a killer. The mind can play all kinds of tricks on you if you're looking for signs that don't exist.

*sigh*