I should probably feel guilty about that...

I had brunch with some friends today, and mimosas were the drink of the day. Now, I'm at about 10-11 (ish) dpo, and it's possible to be preggo at this point and still be testing negative...I should probably feel guilty about drinking today...but I don't. You see, I'm usually, by the end of a cycle, feeling like a moron because I cut back on all the bad stuff "just in case" when there was no case...so, if all my friends were going to have mimosas, I was going to have mimosas too!

There's a part of me that's kindof goading fate...like, haha fate, you won't let me get knocked up, I'm going to drink...so spite me by giving me a baby! Does that make any sense? Well, it does to me, so I suppose that'll have to do!

A List of Imagined Symptoms

1. My nose...it's suddenly good again. That was one of my most pronounced pregnancy symptoms the first time around. I stuck my head in my husband's office this afternoon, and I could smell his cologne PAINFULLY clearly...did I mention that he's exceedingly stingy with cologne?
2. My chest...it doesn't HURT exactly...but that's not normal. Seriously.
3. Cramps...it's 3-4 days early to be AF cramps, and it's actually supposed to be a GOOD sign this early.
4. TIRED. Took a 3 hour nap on Tuesday, sleep-walked through most of Wednesday, and went to bed at 9 last night. Am currently exhausted.
5. TMI, but take my word for it, it's a good sign.

So, am I imagining things again? Probably. But at least I care again! Haven't cared too much in the last cycle and a half!
:-)

I think I'm just lazy...

So yesterday after school (teacher, not student), I lay on my couch to read for a few minutes, and I fell asleep for about three hours. There's a part of me that wants to count that (and the cookie dough that was my dinner) as an exceedingly early pregnancy symptom...I can't even legitimately test for another week or so...so, yeah, right.

I think I'm just lazy. This happens to me every month. I get psycho-somatic symptoms for pregnancies that don't exist. I'm extra tired and take a nap (that's just lazy), or I have a craving for cookie dough/salsa/cheese/whatever (I'm just piggy), or my chest hurts (from chest presses with free weights and/or from poking myself to see if I'm sore)....all kinds of fictional nonsense.

The two-week-wait is a killer. The mind can play all kinds of tricks on you if you're looking for signs that don't exist.

*sigh*

Coping strategy #2...that's not good.

So, as the photos of the not-my-baby proliferate on facebook, I've come up with a second strategy to cope with my emotions...cookie dough. That can't be good. Luckily, strategy #1 is working out, so the two strategies somewhat negate one another.

*sigh* I'm an idiot. Testing in a week. Fingers, toes, and eyes crossed.

Already...

Someone needs to explain to me how I justify the wasted money of testing so early every month. OK, granted, I only spend $1 per test, but it's only 3 dpo, and I'm already testing. Every day. Not only that, I actually test a few days after AF...just in case. I read an article once about how very few women have implantation bleeding that is very similar to a normal AF, so I test for that, too...just in case.

Who does that?

That's because you're an idiot.

For whatever reason, I've been going through the last week thinking this cycle started on the 16th. It took me until five minutes ago when I realized I was off by two days! That doesn't seem like much, but two days of baby dancing makes a HUGE difference. I'm an idiot.

I also was just reading through some of my old entries, and I realized that I wandered between thinking this is cycle 7 or 8...ok, let's break it down.

Dec 7--First AF (stands for Aunt Frannie) after miscarriage
Dec 27--BFN on Cycle 1 (and all kinds of scariness which I may elaborate on at some point.)
Jan 17--BFN on Cycle 2
Feb 19--Chemical Pregnancy on Cycle 3
Mar 19--BFN on Cycle 4
April 16--BFN on Cycle 5
May 14--BFN on Cycle 6
June 11--We'll see about cycle 7

OK, so I'm on cycle 7. It'll be my 8th AF, but it's my 7th cycle of TTC. Good to know.

Things I needed today...

I love to watch The Biggest Loser when I work out. It motivates me. Also, while I am not THAT overweight, I have similar emotions as a LOT of what the contestants say when they're doing the quasi-breakdowns and soul searching...it's good.

Now, I watch these episodes on OnDemand (yay Fios), so I'm several episodes behind. Yeah, I know the finale was this week. Anyways, back in episode ONE of this season, when Stephanie said "I've never been in love..." (PS-I feel like I looked like Stephanie a bit, and I really really identified with her.) I decided that I wanted her to get together with Sam. BL is NOTORIOUS for matchmaking, as the contestants are all similarly focused and bond over their goals. So, when I watched Sam get kicked off tonight, and they're doing the where are they now segment, Sam and Stephanie are living together in LA! How wonderful is that??

I really needed this today. When I saw the post about Sophie's birth, and I totally spiraled from zen to dark abyss, I wasn't able to pull myself out of it by myself. I'm really happy that I was able to find a way out of it through sweat (did I mention that I was working out for the entire hour and forty-five minutes of the show?) and happy endings.

...still very jealous, still want my OWN baby, and still very sad about what I lost, but I've gotten a little zen back.