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Wednesday, January 23, 2013

The last time...I hope.

I found out I'm pregnant again today. Mike finally reacted the way I wanted him to. It's been a bit of a running joke for us that he never reacts the way I want him to when I tell him we're pregnant. The first time we weren't trying. His reaction wasn't bad, but he was more surprised than happy, as was I. He and I were still feeling out how we felt about it for the first couple if days. Kids weren't supposed to be on the radar yet. With Mia, we had had a few chemical pregnancies, and Mike was gun shy. He didn't really believe it until we got bloodwork done, so there was no moment of recognition, really....no big celebration. With Charlotte, again we weren't trying. He and I were both completely blindsided by it. He didn't react at all. I don't blame him, really....but it's not the kind of story you retell a lot. For this baby....he finally reacted well.

I took the test at school. I don't know why I was so intent to take a test today. I just....knew. it's still super early. Anyways, I got a decent line. So I went home and we were snuggling in bed watching tv during Mia's nap. We had been talking about our hopes for this month. I asked him how confident he was, on a scale of 1-10. He said 5....then asked me the samme question. I asked for clarification on what was a one and what was a ten. He said a one was being shocked if it happened and ten was being shocked if it didn't happoen. I said 10. He didn't get it at first. He asked me, incredulously if I was really that confident. I just looked at him. I tried to smile, but my body was trying to cry. I got stuck in the middle. I saw it when itdawned on him....his eyes filled, and he just said, "Oh my God..." And then he hugged me tight...in that way he hugs me when it really matters. It was a good reaction.

I'm scared. Mike thinks Charlotte is going to protect this kid....he's freakishly confident that it'll be ok. I'm not sure he really believes it or if he needs to believe it...but i'm still scared. O'm going to leave these entries as drafts for a while. I'm not ready to put it out there yet.

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