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Tuesday, December 4, 2012

Not a happy day

Tomorrow is Charlotte's due date...or was her due date.  I guess it still is her due date, though she is no longer due.  She's done.  I think I'm tired.

I'm not sure what to feel...

A part of me wants to delve down into those feelings of sadness and hopelessness and loss and regret.  I want to write and ramble about what I think and how I feel until it's all out of my system and I can breathe again. I want to share my pain with the anonymous people that the stat tracker says read this blog.  Do you care, faceless people?

Another part of me feels like I need to curl up around my grief tomorrow.  Tomorrow isn't a day to celebrate who my daughter was and is.  Tomorrow is a day to mourn the fact that I'll never know what color her eyes are.  Tomorrow is a day to long to hold her in my arms for just one more second of my life.  I don't know that I want to get that sadness out of my system....maybe, just for tomorrow, I should just let the sadness win.  I shouldn't look for relief from the pain.  I think maybe she deserves to have me ache for her.  More weight.

Another part of me wants to tell people about it.  I want to stop random strangers on the street and tell them that my daughter is gone.  I want to tell anyone who will listen, and maybe some who won't, that my angel is perfect but she's gone...she's perfect and she's gone...that seems like a contradiction.  I need people to care.  I know that it doesn't matter what other people think...I know it just matters that I know, and I remember, and I love.  Still, it seems like the world should care.  It seems wrong, in so many ways, that everyone is just going about their lives and my daughter is dead.  I don't want to use a euphemism.  It's a harsh reality.

So where does that leave me?  I don't know.  I don't know what to feel or how to act or what to say.  I'm expected to get through my day like a normal human being tomorrow, but I don't feel like one.  So many people in the world just don't understand.  They can't.  I could never begin to explain, and they wouldn't want to listen.  So how do I function?  I don't know.

I remember you, baby girl.  I miss you, baby girl.  I love you, baby girl.

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