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Saturday, November 3, 2012

Realization about trying to conceive after loss

I just had this epiphany in the last few days...

...when one is trying to conceive after a loss, things are harder, and I think I realized why.  When one is trying to conceive after a loss, one has already had taken from her the thing she wants...a baby.  So then, in trying to conceive again, it's just trying to reclaim what should have been yours already. 

It's almost as if one has lost thousands of dollars at the blackjack table...a win isn't a win because you're already so far behind.  You start to feel desperate.  Any loss is a blow. Any setback seems huge.  Johnny Knuckles, the bookie, is breathing down your neck and you feel like, if you don't win it back soon, he'll break your legs.  OK, I took that analogy too far.  I do that.  But it's not far off, either!

...but it's more than that.

When one is trying to conceive after a loss, the pressure and desire are so much more heightened.  Every cycle, she tells herself that this will be the one.  She has to.  If she doesn't she'll lose hope, and hope is sometimes all it feels like she has left.  The problem is, it's impossible to contain the hope.  The hope grows.  It thrives.  She starts daydreaming about a positive test, telling her husband, feeling the baby move.  Hope is a slippery slope...

When it doesn't work...when the period comes...when those hopes crash and shatter around's like another loss.  It's as though she's losing another baby.  The hope gets so built up it becomes real, and then the reality is gone in the blink of an eye.   It's clearly a different type of loss, as the baby never really existed...but didn't it? 

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