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Thursday, November 29, 2012


I've been hiding.  From life.  From the reality that Charlotte should be here now.  From the reality that we're not going to get pregnant again before her "official" due date.  From the lonliness.

I'm behind on my days of thanks.  Maybe tomorrow I'll catch up...but I don't have the energy for it today. 

Mike's back at work again tonight, marking the first day I haven't seen him for more than a half hour since last Tuesday.  I had a half day last Wednesday, so we got to spend a few hours together before he went to work.  Then I was off on Thursday and Friday, so we got to spend all day together until 4.  He was off Saturday through Tuesday, and then he worked during the day yesterday, so he was home in time for dinner.  Today he's back to work.  It's hard when I forget how much it's a bummer to be here alone.  It's so much easier to be happy and distracted when I have another human to talk to. 

I'm trying to decide what I want to do on Wednesday to acknowledge Charlotte's due date.  I was thinking about going shopping for her Christmas presents.  I plan to shop for her as though she's still here, then donating the toys/clothes/books to Toys for Tots.  I like to think she would like it if her memory helped another little baby that's still here. 

....I miss her.  Some days still more than others.  Today, I miss her.  I wish the wind would blow so that I could hear her wind chimes.  They help fill the butterfly spaces when it's cold outside.

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