Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Fourth day of thanks...

On the fourth day of November, my fourth day of thanks, I'm thankful for...

This one was a little rough...I woke up this morning feeling not particularly thankful.  On our first cycle of trying again after losing Charlotte, we had a chemical pregnancy, and my period just started up again today.  Woke up a little bitter...

...I've been thinking on it all day though, and I've realized something in it that I'm thankful for.  I'm actually thankful that I was able to be joyous and happy about the possibility of a new baby for one day.  Yeah, I got one day of happiness followed by a huge let down, but I still got that day...  I also am thankful, strange as it sounds, that we had a chemical pregnancy instead of nothing.  That sounds weird. I mean, a chemical pregnancy is really just a super early miscarriage, right?  Shouldn't I freak out about that a little?

I'm choosing not to.  I'm not HAPPY it happened, and, given the choice, I'd obviously choose the easier route of getting pregnant again on the first try, a weird way I can see Charlotte's influence on this.  I've been praying every day that we will have another child soon, and that Charlotte will see her little brother or sister safely into the world...and it's not that we didn't get pregnant this cycle.  We did.  It's that this baby couldn't come safely into the world.  There was something wrong with this baby, and that little spirit is waiting for a stronger host.  In a corner of my head, it's like I can hear Charlotte saying, "See Mom, you're going to have another baby...we're going to get through this together...and I'm protecting you from the bad stuff."

This is what I'm choosing to believe...and I'm thankful for that.

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