Since Charlotte died, there has been a marked increase in the amount of stuff a few members of my family have bought me. They sucked (and continue to suck) at providing actual support. They think it's just not them, and they aren't willing to try. Instead, they're buying me stuff.
Now, as today isn't too bad of a day, I don't feel too much resentment towards them for not being there for me. On the bad days, everyone gets lost in the black fog of anger...but today isn't a day like that. Today is a day when I shrug my shoulders and accept that it is what it is and they are what they are.
That being said, they've missed the point. It seems like they're trying to buy, literally buy, my happiness back. As though that new sweater or scarf or book or pair of shoes or door (yes, a bedroom door...I'm not kidding) is going to make me stop hurting and grieving for Charlotte. Intellectually, I can see as they're just trying to make me happy in any way that they can, but it's so totally and completely not the point.
I needed someone to talk to. I needed someone who loved me to sit down and share my daughter with me. I needed someone who would listen to me cry and know that it's what I needed to do. I needed someone to just be there. They weren't. Some people were (hint: if you know me in real life and I gave you the link to this blog, I count you among those people). They weren't.
Still, I have to acknowledge that they're trying, right? Maybe they're trying in ways that don't make sense to me. Maybe they're trying in ways that are contradictory with what I asked them, straightforwardly, to do. Maybe it feels like they're cheapening my grief and my daughter's memory by trying to fix it through retail therapy. But they're trying.
I'm a little torn. On the one hand I want to tell them that they're being silly. I don't need stuff. I don't need them to spend money on me. I needed an ear, a shoulder, and a heart (to be cliche for a moment). I don't need a sweater. On the other hand....I do like stuff.
Is it wrong to just let them? I know inside that I harbor some resentment that they wouldn't be what I asked and needed them to be. I know inside that there are some wounds from this that will always mar our relationships. It'll eventually fade to a rough scar, but it will always be there. How much of a horrible, selfish, greedy person does it make me if I just let them do this?
It makes them feel better, I think. I can justify it. And I do like stuff....