So, I just blogged yesterday about the baby shower invitation that knocked me on my rear end.
Just as I was starting to get my balance back, I went on facebook today. Why do I do that? Seriously, why? The things I enjoyed about facebook don't make up for the inundation of things I'm not ready to handle.
So I got an invitation to a private facebook group...which is a support page for one of my friends whose son has a severe speech development problem which just got diagnosed.
Really, God? Really?
OK, I do not, at ALL, begrudge this girl her support. It's amazing. There are over 225 members on this page, and a good fifty of them have written heartfelt messages of support and prayer on the wall. Very cool. I am absolutely thrilled that her brother decided to create this support page for her. I know she's struggling a bit to find her footing.
The thing is, this page was just bashing me over the head with how different her support is from mine. I really don't understand...
My child died.
Shouldn't you care?
Shouldn't you want to support me?
Shouldn't you want to tell me that you're thinking of me?
Praying for me?
Sad for me?
I have a smattering of texts, a few facebook messages, three cards, and four phone calls. The number of people who have been TRULY supportive of me when I needed it could be counted on one hand...and I'm including my husband.
I feel really lonely.
I feel like no one cares about me, really, at all.
I feel like I'm going through a lot of this alone.
In some ways this is almost harder than losing Charlotte. I can mourn for and accept my daughter's death. I can look for meaning in her life. I can cherish the memories I had with her.
I feel like maybe a lot of my relationships died a long time ago and I just didn't realize it. I've lived my life believing that people care about me. I care about them. So where's the proof that I even know these people at all?
What's wrong with me?
...as a side note, I recognize that this is a bit of a self-pitying spiral...but I'm ok...if you read this and worry that I need help, I just want you to know that I'm ok...but the thoughts I have need to go somewhere...so here they are.