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Friday, September 7, 2012

Feeling really lonely

It's one of those bad nights.  They don't happen that often in the last couple of weeks, but every once in a we are. So I'm going to vent and ramble, and hopefully the sludge that's clogging up my emotions will extricate itself from my life, if only temporarily.

I have a significant feeling that a lot of the people that I've counted as friends, some even really close friends, don't really care about me that much at all.  I know it's been almost seven weeks since Charlotte's birth and death, but, damn it, I still need people to care.  Or I need people to even care in the first place.

With one or two very rare exceptions, I don't remember the last time one of my friends called ME to ask to hang out.  I don't remember the last time one of my friends checked in on me to see how I'm doing.  I know that what I'm going through is just a small blip on the corner of someone else's radar....but it's a hell of a lot more than a blip to me.

I feel like I try pretty hard to be a good friend to people.  I try to do and say things that make people's lives easier, make people feel better.  I try not to burden people too much with my own problems if I can help it...but damn it, I need something now.  Who's trying hard to be a good friend to me? 

I literally do not remember the last time the phone rang and it wasn't an immediate member of my family.  Am I that person?  That person who thinks they're a better friend to people than they really are?  The one everyone is secretly annoyed by but no one has the guts to actually say it?  Am I that person?

I wish my phone would ring.

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