I feel a little selfish today.
Yesterday marked six weeks since Charlotte's birth and death. I'm still dealing with it every day. I still hurt and grieve every day. I will miss her every day for the rest of my life.
...but it's been six weeks. I've apparently passed the invisible line of time after which people don't care anymore. I've used up my support. Sorry, better luck next time. OK, maybe that's a little harsh...but that's pretty much how it feels.
So my sister's husband is having heart problems. She married a man in his 60s. He is generally very fit and healthy, but this isn't exactly a huge shock considering. That sounds cold, and I don't mean it that way. Having just gone through what Mike and I went through, I understand, probably better than most of my family, how she's feeling. Alone, unsure, angry, sad....I get it.
I did not call her when I found out....as she did not call me when she found out about Charlotte. She was dealing with her husband at the time. I think the two of us have a mutual understanding that, since we're each dealing with our own rough times, we aren't really able to be there for one another significantly. I haven't blamed her for not trying to talk to me about Charlotte...but I know that, if I were to call her now, she would feel obligated to try to talk to me about MY loss, and I don't want to add that burden to her.
Instead, Mike and I sent them a bouquet of flowers last week with a card saying that we're thinking of them and praying for them, and that we're here if they need support. Really, that's all I would want from the people in my family, particularly those who live far away (as we do).
We went to lunch today with the family that lives locally...and they were talking about Beth and Luis. They were talking about how much they were calling her, and how they were arranging for a personal nurse to help Luis recover at home, and all the things they were going to say and do to make this easier on Beth.
And I got mad. Really mad. I feel incredibly selfish about this, and I do not, at all, begrudge Beth the support she is getting. I'm happy and relieved that they're able and willing to be there for her...but...
What did any of them say to me? Do they just like her more, or is it that, since her husband is still alive they feel more comfortable talking about it? How many of my family members never even said anything to my husband? How many of them chose not to ask to see pictures or read my journal? How many of them, when I asked them as a group, through a reading I sent via email, and in individual emails and conversations to talk to me about my daughter because I NEED to talk about her, never once brought her up. Not ONCE.
When you spend your entire life believing that, if you really and truly needed it, your family would always be there to support you in whatever you need, and then when that's tested to have the bottom drop out...I'm hurt. I walk away from family dinners now being angry, and sad, and upset...to the extent that I don't even want to be around them any more.
I feel selfish. I dislike myself. Maybe I'm asking too much. I don't know. I'm disappointed.