I have a lot of anger. The problem is with me. I can't explain who I'm angry at. I can't explain what I'm angry at. I can't tell people why I'm angry. I can't even tell myself. I have this desire to lash out at those around me, and I know they didn't do anything worthy of my emotional whipping.
Am I angry at my family for not mentioning Charlotte or saying her name?
Am I angry at my body for still being messed up two months later?
Am I angry at my friends for skipping along with their lives while I still feel stuck?
Am I angry at my husband for being too patient?
Am I angry at my daughter for throwing her food on the floor?
Am I angry at my dog for waking Mia up from her nap?
Am I angry at my cat for peeing in the hall?
Am I angry at my coworkers for getting worked up about things I no longer care about?
Am I angry at my Charlotte for not fighting harder to stay with us?
Yes. The answer, at some point, to every one of these questions is yes.
No. The answer, at some point, to every one of these questions is no.
So on whom do I unleash my anger? None of them deserve it. It's a fierce, sharp whip.
But if I don't unleash it, it does the damage to me. It's like caging an overly energetic dog who is ripping my emotional living room to shreds. That's an awful analogy. I don't care.
My "give a shit" factor (GAS) is really low. I just don't have the energy to care about the things that used to make me happy, sad, excited, upset. They don't seem worth my emotions any more. And yet, I am happy, sad, excited, upset. So if I truly have no GAS, then why do I have the emotional speed?
The really annoying thing is that I don't think I could ever explain why I'm angry. I just know that I am. I don't have words, even for myself, to place my anger...hence the rambling blog post to explain what I just admitted I can't explain. Another reason to be angry.
And so my whip cracks...at no one. I'm like Indiana Jones as a kid...hitting himself in the face as he tries to tame the lion. The lion didn't eat him, though...so maybe there's still hope for me.