Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Monday, August 20, 2012

Wandering among the stages of grief

So, I thought I had gone through the stages of grief already, yet I find myself recently wandering back among the middle few.  Now, granted, there are several different models of the grief stages, but I prefer the seven stage model.

According to this model, the stages of grief are:

1) Shock and Denial--did that on July 22 before Charlotte was born.  I couldn't deny it once I held her.

2) Pain and Guilt--did that on the 23rd, after we left the hospital.

3) Anger--did that sporadically the week after.

4) Depression and Loneliness--did that before I sent out the reading from the horribly titled Empty Cradle, Broken Heart book.
5) The Upward Turn--did that as I started to write my journal.

6) Reconstruction and Working Through--did that totally as I wrote my journal and started to share it.

7)  Acceptance and Hope--did that as I reflected at the end of my journal.

OK, so don't people usually go from 1 to 7 with relative order?  Why did I go from 1 to 7 only to loop back and hover between 3 and 4?

I am so ANGRY at the majority of people in my life.  I'm usually NOT one to talk about my feelings, particularly my problems, so I can understand why people wouldn't come running to ask me how I first...but then I went out on a limb...several limbs, in fact, basically begging people to ask me questions.  I told people that I wouldn't bring it up on my own, but that I really wanted to talk about it, so please ask.  This is incredibly out of character for me, which, to me, makes it that more important!  Most people aren't doing it.  At all.  Even a little bit.  I'm so ANGRY that people aren't willing to make themselves a little uncomfortable in order to be there for me.  I know it's weird to ask, and it's uncomfortable to not know what to say, but BELIEVE me, it's worse for me!!

This leads me to #4...I feel SO lonely.  When everyone in my life refuses to ask, basically pretending like nothing's wrong, I feel ridiculously isolated.  It's not fair.  It's not right.  Is it just that I've surrounded myself with people who don't REALLY care so much about me?  I feel like maybe I don't have any real friends at all.  Even my family...not so much.  I mean, my family. Really?  The people who care the most about me (or should) can't go outside of their comfort zones to be there for me when I really, truly need them?  Really?

I individually emailed or spoke to everyone in my family, to clarify again that I wanted to talk about what happened, that I wanted to share my daughter with them, but that I needed for them to initiate the conversation...and I actually got one response back that basically said to join a support group.  Awesome.  You don't want to be there for me, so you're going to send me to talk to strangers instead.  Yup.  That's exactly what I need.

So, does this mean I'll get a second upward turn?  I went through the first seven stages in a week and a half, then I've spent the last two weeks careening between 3 and 4.  I need a turn.

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