My friend had her little girl today. I would have hit the third trimester tomorrow. I felt a bit like I'd been punched in the stomach when I saw the status update on facebook with pictures of baby Caroline. I don't begrudge my friend her little girl. I miss my own little girl, is all. I'm feeling selfish and jealous, and I don't like myself right this second.
I sent her a set of clothes from Gymboree over the weekend. They have a line of newborn clothes out with monkeys...pink, blue, or yellow. I had decided that, once we found out if Charlotte was a boy or a girl, I would buy her those clothes to celebrate. I didn't ever get to do that. I put a note with the pink monkey outfits saying that it's what I would have bought my little girl, had things been different. I said that I hoped, when Caroline wears them, maybe Charlotte will be watching over her and protecting her. It hurts my heart.
The piece that tears at me the most is the picture of my friend's older daughter meeting her baby sister. Ever since I found out I was pregnant, that was the moment I was looking forward to the most. I even had a dream that I somehow missed that moment (I was asleep or something...) and was heartbroken when I found out. I couldn't wait for my babies to meet one another. Instead, the closest my daughters came to meeting one another is when I held a picture of Mia close to Charlotte's face so I could remember how much they resembled one another.
This was the picture I wanted:
This was the picture I got:
My heart hurts.