Thanks for stopping in. There isn't really a rhyme or reason to this blog. It's just what comes to my head as I go through each day. If something I say resonates with you (positively or not), please leave a comment. It helps to know that people care. Thanks for reading!

Saturday, June 12, 2010

Now what?

So, after the mc, my cycles wandered from 3 to 5 weeks in length...but the last three have all been EXACTLY 28 days, even starting at the same TIME of day in exactly the same way....ok, it's the 28th what? I've been testing every single morning...BIG no every time. So I accepted the inevitable, "OK, this isn't the month...let's move on." ...and no AF. Unfortunately, this gives me undue hope, and I know that when she eventually DOES rear her ugly head, I'll be more crushed than I would have been if she'd just shown up on time. Hope, in this case, is not a good thing.

That's reason #2 of why I test early...there's a time between 3 days before AF and 2 days before AF when my hope starts to dim. Every negative just brings it down a little bit gets to the point that, when AF does actually show, it's almost a relief. It means that I get to try again. I need that hope to fade so that I'm not CRUSHED...and being late just gets my hopes up. Not good....because I start thinking about last time. Last time, I didn't test until 5 days AFTER my period was due...I was on birth control, so it didn't really SERIOUSLY cross my mind until four days later...and then I waited another day, just in case. So then I start thinking to myself...maybe it just takes a long time for the HCG to work its way from my blood to my urine...maybe I'm just one of those people who has a harder time with the POAS tests...maybe tomorrow will be my positive...maybe a lot of things.

...trying VERY hard to be pessimistic. I need to protect myself.

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