I was due April 21. It occurs to me that, if things had been different, I could have a baby right now. Occasionally I find myself daydreaming about what my big, huge belly would look like, or what I would be feeling. I pass infants in carseats on grocery carts at Wegmans, and I wonder which carseat I would have chosen.
When we were expecting, we started work on the nursery. We removed furniture, painted, put up a border, and hung new curtains. Since we're TTC, it doesn't make sense to take it down, but sometimes that empty room haunts me a little. I walk past it and see the ghost of a crib. I imagine it full of all the shower gifts I would have gotten. I can't help but think of the joy I would feel looking at that room. It's empty.
Sometimes I feel like I'm empty too. I'm surrounded by the ghosts of what would have/should have been.