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Monday, April 5, 2010

What would/could/should have been

I was due April 21.  It occurs to me that, if things had been different, I could have a baby right now.  Occasionally I find myself daydreaming about what my big, huge belly would look like, or what I would be feeling.  I pass infants in carseats on grocery carts at Wegmans, and I wonder which carseat I would have chosen.

When we were expecting, we started work on the nursery.  We removed furniture, painted, put up a border, and hung new curtains.  Since we're TTC, it doesn't make sense to take it down, but sometimes that empty room haunts me a little.  I walk past it and see the ghost of a crib.  I imagine it full of all the shower gifts I would have gotten.  I can't help but think of the joy I would feel looking at that room.  It's empty. 

Sometimes I feel like I'm empty too.  I'm surrounded by the ghosts of what would have/should have been.

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