So, back before the big m.c., I had a belly buddy...a girl preggo at the same time as me due around the same time as me. Awesome right? Well, then October happened, and just when I let my guard down when we hit the second trimester, we lost our Seamonkey.
So today was my belly buddy's shower. Oh my God, was that hard. I mean, I knew it would be. Don't get me wrong...I'm totally happy for her, and I harbor no ill-will for anyone...but it's impossible not to be jealous. I sat there, smiling, watching her open present after present, and I just kept thinking about what I would have registered for, and what my child would have looked like in that onesie, and what I would look like with the big round belly....Forcing happiness when it hurts so much is exhausting.
This girl has been my reminder of what would have been....when she found out it was a girl, I would have been finding out gender, too. When she felt the baby move, I would have felt the baby move. When she...well, you get the idea.
So, yeah. Today was hard. It doesn't help that my due date (would-have-been) is this Thursday and I just found out that we didn't get pregnant this month. I really thought, honestly, that, with this baby shower, and my due date coming up, and mother's day this month, too, that God would cut me a break. We've been actively trying to concieve for five cycles now, and I really thought this would be it. God wouldn't make me go through all these hard days without a rainbow to hold on to. Well, apparently I was wrong.
At least I have a few friends who understand that I'm hurting and are trying to help me out. Quick shout-outs to Jess and Liz. Jess gave me an out during the shower by asking me to go out with her to get something from her car. I needed a few minutes alone to cry and hurt and not pretend to be happy...Thanks for that. Liz drove with me so that I had someone to talk to....without judgement...Thanks for that.
Today was hard. Trying to concieve sucks.