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Monday, April 5, 2010


In August, 2009, my husband and I found out we were expecting our first child.  I may tell the story of HOW we found out later.  For now, I'll tell you that we had been on birth control at the time, and we had been planning on waiting to try to conceive for another two years. 

Well, when we found out, we were thrilled (once the shock wore off, that is).  We modified our plans.  We picked out names (Amelia Sophia or William Alexander).  We moved the guest bed out of what was to be the baby's room.  We picked a paint color and a border and repainted the room (I wanted to do it early so that we could have the windows open while we painted).

Everything was going fine.  We had our appointment at 10.5 weeks at which we were told everything was fine and we heard the heartbeat.  Life was good.  We started to tell people, since the first trimester was just about over and we were out of the woods...or so we thought.

So, on October 10, I started spotting.  I wasn't too worried about it.  I am obsessive about researching everything about what's going on in my life, and I knew that spotting often happened in the first trimester.  No worries.  On the morning of October 12, when I was exactly 13 weeks pregnant, the bleeding got worse.  I went to school (I'm a teacher), but I called my OB after my first class.  She set me up for an ultrasound for three hours later.  I went home, woke my husband up (he works nights), and off we went. 

I remember saying to Mike (my husband), "This will either be a really good day or a really bad day."  I had a feeling it was going to be bad, but I remained optimistic that maybe this was a blessing in disguise, and we'd get to enjoy an unexpected ultrasound viewing.

When we got called in the room, I remember staring at the screen WILLING it to show a flicker of life.  The tech was quiet for a while, then she said (I remember her exact words), "I should see some movement and a heartbeat at thirteen weeks, and, I'm sorry, but I don't see that."  Mike didn't speak again for about an hour.  I dealt with the call to my OB from the ultrasound clinic, I set up the D&C for the following morning(I may elaborate that in a future post), and I didn't break down until I got to the hospital for pre-op.

We decided that we wanted to try again as soon as possible.  Well, my body didn't get back to normal until the end of December (again, I may elaborate on that later), but we've been trying ever since.  It's been six months since we lost the baby, and trying to conceive again seems harder and harder to handle.  We're on our fifth cycle of trying, and no good news yet.

So that's where I am. 

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